The Food and Drug Administration has ordered a nationwide recall on the Republican Party after tests revealed the party to be contaminated by nuts. The agency took the unprecedented step after the GOP refused to issue a voluntary recall.
Rep. Brian Baird (Connecticut for Lieberman Party-WA) became one of the high profile victims, when he was forced to hold a town hall meeting-style forum on health insurance reform via teleconference.
“I used to be fine with nuts, I opposed withdrawing from Iraq and everything,” said Baird.
“But last week I had to go to my spin doctor with tightness in my throat. Imagine my surprise when he told me it was an anaphylactic reaction to nutjob dust,” he said. The contamination was traced to contacts with the many deathers in his 3rd Congressional District in southwest Washington.
Baird pledged that he would seek to have mental health parity included in any health reform legislation in the House.
An FDA spokesman urged the public to always inspect their political parties for nuts. “Last week we had this one guy, ate a half-cooked bildernutburger and came down with Mad Larouche Disease,” said Rick X. Frandle. He recommended that anyone with known sensitivity to nuts and nutjobs should stop consuming Republican ideas, and return the party’s products unopened to the manufacturer.