FDA recalls Republican Party – Contaminated by nuts

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered a nationwide recall on the Republican Party after tests revealed the party to be contaminated by nuts. The agency took the unprecedented step after the GOP refused to issue a voluntary recall.

Rep. Brian Baird (Connecticut for Lieberman Party-WA) became one of the high profile victims, when he was forced to hold a town hall meeting-style forum on health insurance reform via teleconference.

“I used to be fine with nuts, I opposed withdrawing from Iraq and everything,” said Baird.

“But last week I had to go to my spin doctor with tightness in my throat. Imagine my surprise when he told me it was an anaphylactic reaction to nutjob dust,” he said. The contamination was traced to contacts with the many deathers in his 3rd Congressional District in southwest Washington.

Baird pledged that he would seek to have mental health parity included in any health reform legislation in the House.

An FDA spokesman urged the public to always inspect their political parties for nuts. “Last week we had this one guy, ate a half-cooked bildernutburger and came down with Mad Larouche Disease,” said Rick X. Frandle. He recommended that anyone with known sensitivity to nuts and nutjobs should stop consuming Republican ideas, and return the party’s products unopened to the manufacturer.

3 thoughts on “FDA recalls Republican Party – Contaminated by nuts”

  1. Dear Consumer

    Sorry all sales are final, once you buy our nuts, they’re yours. We are not in the business of you giving us back our nuts, we have truck loads of new nuts to get out. It is company policy to flood the market with nuts, forever.

    Thanks for buying our nuts

  2. It’s become obvious that pecans are being replaced by pecan’ts, but there should be enough left over to make a batch of Ben & Jerry’s “Yes Pecan” ice cream.

    Also, every one of the toxic nuts has a cracker on the inside.

  3. The way I heard it, what ails Republicans is that they became so plugged up and then backed up with their own BS that it soon got to where they couldn’t say or do anything without spilling or spewing it all over the place. Which is where they are now.

    Someone suggested an intervention with Depends and duct tape a few years back, but the danger or creating messy explosions seemed too great.

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