From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—
Headline: Troubles cloud first Obama vacation.
Translation: Limbaugh hopes Obama vacation fails.
Headline: With Nickels gone, will the City Council assert itself?
Translation: When the cat’s away – Council knocks off at 4:45 Friday afternoon
Headline: White House tried to manipulate threat level, says former DHS chief
Translation: Ridge is new CEO of Psychic Friends Network
Headline: Seattle schools mum on missing property
Translation: The dog ate it
Headline: Prisons Bureau says Madoff does not have cancer
Translation: Madoff cancels plans for transfer to Libya
Headline: Obama Reappoints Bernanke as Fed Chair
Translation: Averted Depression – avoided selling the chair at garage sale
Headline: Sanford Vows to Stay
Translation: Sanford vows to try to fall back in love with Southwest Airlines
Headline: Mariners sweep Oakland
Translation: Bottom half of AL West has never been so tidy!
Headline: Ted Kennedy dead at 77
Translation: We could be in deep doo-doo
Headline: Conservatives cry foul on Kennedy legacy
Translation: Glenn Beck slams Kennedy for riding alone in low-MPG hearse
Headline: Frank Hanawalt, who expelled Jimi Hendrix, dies
Translation: “Groups with guitars are on their way out,” principal said
Headline: Kennedy’s body takes final poignant tour
Translation: Dems search for next liberal lion- but it’s Bernie Sanders
Headline: Ted Kennedy to be buried Saturday at Arlington National Cemetery
Translation: Spirits of Joe, Jack and Bobby to pour bottle of Lagavulin on grave
Headline: Romney Not Interested in Kennedy’s Seat
Translation: How many minutes has Teddy been gone? Chillax, Mittens.
Headline: Boeing’s Tinseth – “We’re cautiously confident”
Translation: 787 “will probably stay aloft”