iNews Friday, Special Patriotic Edition – 7/4/2008

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator–

Headline: Obama and Scarlett emails
Translation: McCain and Apostle Paul epistles

Headline: Gaza Truce ‘Violated Repeatedly’
Translation: Violations inevitable, Gaza truce might as well enjoy it, Clayton Williams says

Headline: Bill Clinton answers Barack Obama’s phone call — finally
Translation: When Obama called at 3AM phone just rang and rang

Headline: Obama, McCain campaigns go global
Translation: Obama running to lead globe, McCain plans to occupy it

Headline: Obama, Bill Clinton to meet
Translation: Creation scientists warn – High energy collision risks black hole, end of universe

Headline: Sharpton targets Nader over Obama comment
Translation: Nader promises to use codeword “itewhay” from now on

Headline: Fire damages home of congressional candidate Darcy Burner
Translation: Rep. Dave Reichert’s home crushed by avalanche of phony bipartisanship

Headline: After McCain takes hit, ‘Swift-boater’ joins fray
Translation: Has “convincing evidence” Obama didn’t deserve Silver Star, never even served on a Swift boat

Headline: Public transit gets a lift from commuters
Translation: Some commuters taking opportunity to touch the public on transit

Headline: Sonics leave Seattle
Translation: Players looking forward to exciting Oklahoma City night life, farming
Translation (Turbo mode): Mayor can now realize dream of million dollar condos on team’s Mercer Street training center

Headline: McCain – Staff shake-up part of ‘natural evolution’
Translation: Rev. Dobson angry at McCain – “God, not Darwin, created staff shake-up”

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