Headline: MI6 reports own officer over torture allegations.
Translation: 007 assigned to desk duty pending review.
Headline: Serena Williams out after US Open rant.
Translation: Williams yells out “You lie!” at lineswoman.
Headline: Ichiro record getting little attention in the US.
Translation: Exchange rate leaves Ichiro with only 2.2 hits US
Headline: Patrick Swayze Dies at 57.
Translation: Universal greenlights “Ghost II”
Headline: Tina Fey wins Emmy for Sarah Palin role.
Translation: Fey starts working on Joe Wilson impression
Headline: Convicted bus thief accused in PCP-fueled chase.
Translation: Great MPG, but your car needs detox every 50000 miles
Headline: Humpback whale dead in Thames.
Translation: Choked on Vulcan
Headline: House officially rebukes Rep. Joe Wilson, 240-179.
Translation: Two Word resolution – “YOU LAME!”