The Ten (Conservative) Commandments

Now that conservatives are finally dealing with all that “liberal bias” in the Holy Bible, it’s time we dealt with the Ten Commandments:

  1. Thou shalt have no other party but ours
  2. Thou shalt not satirize our luminaries
  3. Thou shalt only take the names of the liberals in vain
  4. Remember the sabbath day—that would be Sunday, not Saturday or Friday or whatever freaky day your particular non-Christian religion observes—and keep it holy
  5. Honor thy father and thy mother…from a “normal” two-parent family consisting of one man and one woman
  6. Thou shalt not kill…except in self defense or to rid society of scum who really deserve it
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery…except when your wife refuses to honor her conjugal duties
  8. Thou shalt not steal (Corporations with former executives in high government positions excepted…of course!)
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor…unless Homeland Security tells you that your neighbor is…you know, “Really, really bad!”
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife (Little boys are so much easier to intimidate and keep silent.)

11 thoughts on “The Ten (Conservative) Commandments”

  1. I posted about this too. I’m glad it’s getting a lot of coverage from bloggers. This is just too absurd. It’s getting harder to tell whether something is an actual outburst from the Right or just satire.

  2. I read that current Bible is written at a 7th-grade level, so to make it more appealing to conservatives thinkers, they will probably re-write it at a 3rd-grade level.

  3. Great list. Spoken like a true elitist liberal!

    BTW, how is the job search going? The auto industry woes finally caught up to my hubby and he lost his job. That makes two of us unemployed since my work got outsourced over the summer. If Michigan survives the Great Recession it will be a miracle. :-(

  4. I saw the piece and had the true/satire thought too. Then I started to write and was left with the idea that the post had to be just a link to the article – not much of a post. You did much better.

  5. Holte… My ‘New American Version’ certainly is written to that lofty standard. I can only imagine what a 3rd grade rewrite might sound like: “See God smite. Smite God, smite!”

    Kathy… Sent you an email, but basically we’ve given up and are outta here in about 10 days.

    Dave… Thanks man. I always try to find some humor in almost any situation. Sort of keeps me from weeping.

  6. Great list. Here’s the 11th.

    11. Thou shalt not fight in a war you support.

    The conservative Bible isn’t as funny as the LOLcats Bible. It isn’t as literate either.

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