iNews Friday – No More ‘Jon and Kate’ Items, 10/09/2009

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Dalai Lama Not Meeting Obama This Week
Translation: Suddenly all Republicans are outraged Buddhists

Headline: Conde Nast to Close Gourmet, Cookie & Modern Bride
Translation: “Threat to traditional wedding receptions,” GOP says

Headline: Lawyer- “Alleged Letterman plotter is ‘innocent'”
Translation: Orwell- “Extortion is Whistleblowing”

Headline: Obama Reaches Past Congress for Health Care Support
Translation: Tip O’Neill thinks bill has a fighting chance

Headline: Blanche Lincoln, here we come!
Translation: “Blanche Lincoln!!! Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts…”

Headline: Limbaugh Confirms Rams Bid
Translation: 2010 – Donovan McNabb clotheslines Limbaugh on sideline play
Translation (Turbo mode): If a football team is like a family, then the Rams will have no black sheep

Headline: Verizon, Google Team For Android Devices
Translation: Trade in your old fembot for a new Bachmann

Headline: Tom DeLay and Debi Mazar both leave Dancing with the Stars
Translation: Debi Mazar needs to take long, long, long shower

Headline: Big dino prints found in Jurassic park in France
Translation: GOP criticizes Max Baucus for taking French vacation

Headline: Borger- Republicans don’t really want to work with Obama
Translation: Gloria Borger crowned Miss Duh 2009

Headline: A Crackdown on Bake Sales in City Schools
Translation: Girl Scouts take out the competition

Headline: NASA Prepares to Bombard Moon
Translation: Bachmann says bombing will “send a message to the Reticulans”

Headline: Gateway Unveils Touchscreen Desktop PC
Translation: Now your home computer can look like a bus window

Headline: Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize
Translation: Nobel Committee finally corrects horrible Kissinger error
Translation (Turbo mode): Sitka Duran Duran Fan Club hastily awards Le Bon Prize to Palin

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