iNews Friday – now with Merged Headline Translation, 7/25/2008

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator–

Headline: President Bush Makes Little Girl Run Off Crying At White House T-Ball Game
Translation: Bush – Little girl “cried more than Sammy Sosa did when I traded him to the White Sox”

Headline: New York Times turns down an op-ed from McCain
Translation: 5,000 word piece, “food that doesn’t get stuck in my dentures,” will run with the restaurant reviews

Headline: Turkey injects hopes into Iran nuclear talks
Translation: Cindy McCain stole basting-injection roast turkey method from Martha Stewart

Headline: Bush Meets With New Russian President for First Time
Translation: Attempt to look Medvedev in eye thwarted by mirrored sunglasses
Translation (Turbo mode): Bush looks into Medvedev’s soul – finds kidney stone, polyp; recommends further tests

Headline: McCain Mistakenly Refers to Defunct Czechoslovakia
Translation: Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton resigns as McCain campaign advisor
Translation (Turbo mode): McCain hopes to rebound with fact-finding trip to Prussia
Translation (Enhanced Turbo mode): Lieberman takes blame – abandoned whispering post to pal around with evangelicals

Headline: US and Czech Republic Sign Defense Agreement
Translation: Fine print requires Czech Rep. and Slovakia play reunion concert for McCain inauguration

Headline: Guantanamo Judge Blocks Use of Some Statements
Translation: Opposing counsels warned against saying “I’m out of order? This court is out of order!” or “Now, I’m just a simple country lawyuh”

Headline: Barak and Obama hold breakfast meeting
Translation: McCain befuddled at report – does double-take, blinks, rubs eyes, shakes head making that lleughll-lleughll-lleughll sound

Headline: Court tosses FCC ‘wardrobe malfunction’ fine
Translation: Government regulators take control of Janet Jackson’s boob – people holding boob will not lose assets – other boob will reopen as IndyFlash Federal Boob

Headline 1: Obama rocks 200,000 in Berlin
Headline 2: McCain visits German restaurant in Ohio
Merged Headlines Translation: McCain practices his “HELLO CLEVELAND!” in arena tunnel

Headline 1: GOP kills effort to release oil from US stockpile
Headline 2: Oil rebounds from two-day tumble
Merged Headlines Translation: “Who says conservation isn’t profitable?” asks Boehner

Wiseline Institute Northwest and the Wiseline Institute NeWs Service will be on holiday for two weeks starting July 31. Check back August 1 for the first of three exciting iNews specials.

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