A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: ‘NOVA’ looks at Japanese midget sub in Pearl Harbor attack
Translation: Palin demands Vern Troyer’s birth certificate

Headline: Missing DNA linked to childhood obesity
Translation: Still no solution to missing Fritos mystery

Headline: Reid Compares Opponents of Health Care Reform to Supporters of Slavery
Translation: And that was a compliment

Headline: Christian group vs. Hastings – court to decide
Translation: Teabaggers demand William The Conqueror’s birth certificate

Headline: Palin to make time for Freedom Club in Minnesota
Translation: Palin makes time to club truth over the head

Headline: Bachmann and Palin each claim a rotunda
Translation: Bachmann and Palin cancel each other out in flash of crazy

Headline: Greenhouse Gases Imperil Health, EPA Announces
Translation: Disco is dead, EPA also announces

Headline: Democrats reach deal on health plan
Translation: Horse Committee reaches deal on camel design

Headline: Study Shows Casual Sex Not Damaging for Mental Health
Translation: Study key in Mark Sanford getting off in the Legislature. So to speak.

The iNews 9000 Turbo will return in 2010.
Happy Holidays!*

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* There, I said it. What are ya gonna do, report me to Bill O’Reilly?