None dead in non-shooting – Liberal doesn’t open fire in church

Tragedy was avoided at an ultra-conservative Kentucky church on Sunday, when an emotionally balanced liberal did not shoot and kill members of the fundamentalist congregation.

Church spokesman John Threesixteen smiled and paused his Tivo in mid-700 Club when reporters called Monday with questions about Norm Descript, a registered Democrat from Louisville.

“We were somewhat concerned when he pulled into the parking lot in his Saab 9000. We don’t get a lot of Obama bumper stickers here,” said Threesixteen.

“I talked to Mr. Descript following the worship service, and he said he was just curious about us, and wanted to reach out to conservatives. To each his own, I guess,” Threesixteen said.

Threesixteen said Descript did not snap, scream, draw a weapon, or fire shots of any kind.

Police did not find a note in Descript’s vehicle expressing anger over the “conservative movement” and its intolerance of gay couples, among other things.

Officers who went to Descript’s home following the non-shooting found books by the Dalai Lama, Noam Chomsky and Al Franken.

In other news, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) was indicted today on corruption charges. A Washington grand jury issued the indictment concerning false statements Stevens made about an oil services company in Alaska, and a series of Internet tubes installed in his home.

5 thoughts on “None dead in non-shooting – Liberal doesn’t open fire in church”

  1. Fine. If you want to mask all the hundreds killed by armed lefty hippies throughout the history of this great nation, go right ahead.

    *waits for the first concern troll to mention the ALF*

  2. Praise the Lord, it looks like disaster was narrowly avoided not just once but twice in this story.

    The first close call came when Descript left his home unarmed, which was anyway a given since he didn’t own a shotgun, two handguns and several boxes of ammunition to begin with.

    The second was when Descript actually got out of the parking lot alive in a Saab 9000 bearing an Obama bumper sticker. What are the odds? Eyewitnesses claim that this was caused by the Pastor’s 357 Magnum jamming before he could squeeze off a round, and a delay while Mr. Threesixteen went back into the chapel to fetch his sawed-off double barrel shotgun. Clearly a case of divine intervention.

    Praise be unto the Lord for his mercy.

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