Activists hail court ruling, march for corporate marriage rights

President Obama’s new initiative to limit the size of corporations met with stiff resistance from civil rights activists today, following the Supreme Court’s ruling that corporations are entitled to the same right of expression as natural persons.

The ruling buoyed a group of corporate marriage activists marching in front of the White House. Many held placards reading, “Freedom To Merge,” “Adam & Eve and Comcast & NBC,” and “Keep Your Laws Off My Org Chart.”

Corporations who had gathered outside the high court cheered when the 5-4 decision was announced. “We’re close to winning equal rights as people, said Cerberus Capital. “Soon I’ll be able to call my insatiable desire to consume small companies something other than monopoly.”

Cerberus said he and his partners hope to someday start a family and adopt several Congressional oversight committees.

Pastor Jim Phelps, chaplain at the International Monetary Fund Wedding Chapel, has long campaigned for the right for two or more corporations to marry. Phelps hailed the court’s decision as a good first step to full rights for corporate persons. “There can no longer be a compelling interest in government denying corporations in a loving relationship the legal recognition of their monopoly, even if polygamous,” he said.

However, the activists’ cause received a cool reception at the White House.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the president will continue to oppose any pro-corporate marriage laws in Congress. “President Obama intends to devote as much effort into stopping corporate marriage as he has into leading on health care reform,” Gibbs said.

15 thoughts on “Activists hail court ruling, march for corporate marriage rights”

  1. Wow. Conservatives hit the lottery this week; the momentous Scott Brown win, Obamacare is on life support or flat-lining, McCain/Feingold takes a beating by SCOTUS and by extension, the Fairness Doctrine, and Air America goes belly up. Does it get any better than this? Oh, yes it does. SCOTUS declares businesses can support presidential and congressional candidates. Let freedom ring!

  2. Like Holte said.

    Best line in the whole thing: “Cerberus said he and his partners hope to someday start a family and adopt several Congressional oversight committees.”

    With the intention of providing the little ones some tough love until they’ve learned proper behavior, I’m sure.

  3. Hmmmm… I wonder what it will take to wake up the general populace? Perhaps a bought-and-paid-for initiative to reinstate the draft, so that there will be plenty of cannon fodder for our upcoming corporate wars for oil and other natural resources?

  4. Doc, if corporations are persons, let’s draft them too. It would be a hoot to see the CEO and top executives of, say, Goldman Sachs get their notices to report to Camp Gruntnsweat for basic military training, in preparation for serving as privates in the infantry.

  5. Yes but are other corporations considered chattel now? I mean is a loving relationship between corporations a merger or an acquisition?

    I agree SW, Cerberus quote was inspired!

  6. It just occurred to me that if corporations are people, then Delaware is going to get about 100 House seats in the next reapportionment.

    Honestly, I did not have a good time writing this one. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say this could be the end of elections as we know them.

    My next hard decision is how to approach the State of the Union.

  7. I mean is a loving relationship between corporations a merger or an acquisition?

    It’s well known that a loving relationship between corporations of the same sex is an offense against God. Only the relationship between one male corporation and one female corporation can be allowed in this holy land!

  8. Smack!

    My question is, who in this (these) releationship(s) is going to take the roll as the daddy figure?

    I mean it’s relatively confusing at this juncture on who gets to wear the pants and who gets to wear the pantsuit?

  9. @Kvatch

    I wonder if we can use that to undo a bunch of mergers?

    Last I checked, Polygamy is illegal… for now at least.

  10. @13

    As in, “so which one of you is the holding company, and which is the subsidiary?”


    Corporate personhood might also be nullified if we remind said corporations that now they have to start getting prostate exams at age 40.

    “Big Blue Love,” coming to HBO.

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