President Obama will use his first State of the Union address tonight to say he has learned a great deal in the first year of his administration. An advance outline of the speech reveals he will tell the American people and a joint session of Congress that lessons learned from those failures will help shape failures during his second year in office.
The theme will be ‘if you are disappointed by the failure of health care reform, you ain’t seen nothing yet.’
The president is still fine tuning his remarks, but true to his reputation for bipartisanship he is expected to include many Republican applause lines. The text is said to currently include the sentence, ‘our failures will get bigger and stupider, each more maddeningly boneheaded than the one preceding it.’
• The CIA will orchestrate a separatist movement in the Burgundy region of France, straining relations with the European Union.
• The State Department will act to negotiate peace between Apple and Amazon in the tablet war.
War on Terror
• Air travelers concerned about being recorded by whole-body millimeter wave scanners will be offered new privacy protections: scan-reflecting thongs and, for women, tassels.
Economy and Trade
• The president will announce that leading economic indicators are predicting the only thing stimulated in the economy this year will be John and Elizabeth Edwards’ divorce lawyers.
Discussion of domestic policy must include the issue that bedeviled the first 12 months of Obama’s administration: health care reform, which he is almost certain to relate to the recently announced three-year non-defense spending freeze.
Obama is likely to sell the freeze as a way to guarantee there will be no way to fund any public insurance solution. This pledge will be called ‘insurance for insurance companies.’
He will also call on Congress to allow banks to review and edit legislation on banking regulation and investor protection. A proposal for federally-funded investor protection helmets, with decals designed by Sasha and Malia, could be a big hit with Republican skateboarders.
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