iNews Friday, 2/12/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Edwards’ mistress seeks return of alleged sex tape
Translation: Edwards fined $1 rewind charge

Headline: Tea Party supporters grapple for a vision
Translation: Myopia, tunnel vision make it hard to focus

Headline:

Translation: How a teabagger texts
Headline: ‘Mein Kampf’ to see its first post-WWII publication in Germany
Translation: Under new title–
+

Headline: US rejects EU diplomacy over Iran N program
Translation: Lieberman and Kerry, sittin’ in a tree

Headline: John Mayer Says “My dick is a white supremicist”
Translation: Mayer’s dick to perform at next Tea Party convention

Headline: Rahm Emanuel “apologizes” to Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live
Translation: SNL enters its Regulatory Capture phase

Headline: Nigeria’s New Acting President Calls for Unity
Translation: And your kind help in releasing funds from a bank account

Headline: Obama’s rocky relationship with the Republicans
Translation: Note to POTUS- do NOT forget Valentine’s Day

Headline: Comcast to become XFinity‎
Translation: Cable bills continue climb toward infinity

Headline: Senators Advance Bipartisan Jobs Bill
Translation: McConnell opposes jobs for Democrats

Headline: Designer Alexander McQueen found dead
Translation: Kate Moss – “but I have nothing to wear to Haiti benefit”

Headline: China urges U.S. to cancel Obama-Dalai Lama meeting
Translation: “…or your account will be sent to collection”

Headline: Mandela makes appearance
Translation
: 6 more weeks of Jacob Zuma administration

Headline: Senators Strike Bipartisan Deal on Job Creation
Translation: Expected to pass on party line vote

3 thoughts on “iNews Friday, 2/12/2010”

  1. Headline: Edwards’ mistress seeks return of alleged sex tape

    (Read with the song, “Memories Are Made of This” playing in the background.)

    Headline: Senators Advance Bipartisan Jobs Bill
    Subhead: Jobless in China, Korea, Mexico and Taiwan say they look forward to the boost

    Headline: China urges U.S. to cancel Obama-Dalai Lama meeting
    Subhead: Threatens to cut off U.S. flags shipments ahead of Flag Day and July 4th.

    Headline: Senators Strike Bipartisan Deal on Job Creation
    Subhead: Agree that before bill can be voted on, Republicans will filibuster

  2. Headline: Senators Advance Bipartisan Jobs Bill
    Translation: McConnell opposes jobs for Democrats…

    …and Reid’s apparently helping him.

  3. @2

    Reid’s $15 billion is more like a 15% tip. And McConnell doesn’t tip. Boehner, on the other hand, strikes me as a dine-and-dash kind of guy. And Shelby orders all kinds of menu substitutions and wants his dressing on the side.

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