Cheney resting uncomfortably

Former vice president Dick Cheney is resting uncomfortably today, after being rushed to Guantanamo Bay Medical Center on Monday complaining of chest pains.

But the ex-second-in-commander-in-chief is never far from controversy and this time it has followed him to his hospital bed, with Cheney’s doctor defending against questions surrounding the treatment methods being used.

Cheney was home working on his memoirs when the chest pains started. “I was dictating into a tape recorder, but it wasn’t going well, the words weren’t coming,” explained Cheney, “so I told Dr. Yoo to torture me until I started talking.”

“He kept up the pressure until I had another three chapters,” he said.

Asked if he is still experiencing discomfort, Cheney replied, “Of course there’s discomfort, I love discomfort. But these were just twinges, I give myself worse taserings most mornings before breakfast.”

The revelation that Cheney’s personal physician, Dr. John Yoo, was present and actually caused the cardiac event was downplayed by Yoo himself.

“I’ve sent a paper — a long memo, really — to JAMA declaring cardiac torture is a valid treatment for a heart attack.” The paper is peer-reviewed, “I reviewed it myself,” said Yoo.

A copy of the memo obtained by reporters includes Yoo’s conclusion that traditional, non-torture cardiac intervention is allowable — so long as there is no “intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death.”

Yoo also responded to critics who question how a treatment can come before the event it is supposed to have treated. “The idea that Mr. Cheney should be restricted to a linear timeline is quaint,” Yoo said.

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