A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Canada defeats USA in overtime
Translation: Eric Cantor calls loss a defeat for Obama – “Time to get out the Zamboni and start over with a smooth sheet of ice”

Headline: Buffett offers few hints about successors
Translation: No one laid back enough to be next mayor of Margaritaville

Headline: Tea Partiers use Fox to deliver ‘palm message’ to Palin
Translation: “This is your left hand” “This is your right hand”

Headline: How To Identify Census Takers
Translation: Bite marks on census taker’s leg identified as Michele Bachmann’s

Headline: Bunning quits filibuster
Translation: Bunning pitches imperfect game

Headline: NC congressman wants Ronald Reagan put on $50 bill
Translation: Can only be used to pay off national debt

Headline: Sebelius tells insurers rate hikes causing fear
Translation: Insurers say fear a preexisting condition

Headline: Michele Bachmann Reverses Herself on the Census
Translation: Will count herself as -1 persons

Headline: Sebelius calls for openness in insurance rate hikes
Translation: Insurers classify openness as “experimental and investigatory”