A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—
Headline: Canada defeats USA in overtime
Translation: Eric Cantor calls loss a defeat for Obama – “Time to get out the Zamboni and start over with a smooth sheet of ice”
Translation: Fortress of Solitude torched by pro-Luthor marchers
Headline: Buffett offers few hints about successors
Translation: No one laid back enough to be next mayor of Margaritaville
Headline: Tea Partiers use Fox to deliver ‘palm message’ to Palin
Translation: “This is your left hand” “This is your right hand”
Headline: How To Identify Census Takers
Translation: Bite marks on census taker’s leg identified as Michele Bachmann’s
Headline: Bunning quits filibuster
Translation: Bunning pitches imperfect game
Headline: NC congressman wants Ronald Reagan put on $50 bill
Translation: Can only be used to pay off national debt
Headline: Sebelius tells insurers rate hikes causing fear
Translation: Insurers say fear a preexisting condition
Headline: Michele Bachmann Reverses Herself on the Census
Translation: Will count herself as -1 persons
Headline: Sebelius calls for openness in insurance rate hikes
Translation: Insurers classify openness as “experimental and investigatory”
-1 person is still an improvement over 3/5 person.
Headline: Canada defeats USA in overtime
Translation: Eric Cantor calls loss a defeat for Obama – “Time to get out the Zamboni and start over with a smooth sheet of ice”
Good one. If someone doesn’t buy a GM car, Cantor calls it a defeat for Obama.
Canada defeats USA in overtime
Dude! I want this as my bumper sticker! You are a genius.
@1
A strict constructionist, Bachmann considers herself property.
@2
Teabaggers need to start protesting in front of GM dealerships.
@3
I think Canada has started printing it on their 1 dollar bill.