iNews Friday, 4/2/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Pope Opens Holy Week Saying He Won’t Be Intimidated
Translation: Come on down to Easter Mass – No cover charge for boys

Headline: Bush team ‘arrogant group of Martians’
Translation: Bush-era Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator program canceled

Headline: ‘Christian warrior’ militia accused in plot to kill police
Translation: Downward, Christian Soldiers

Headline: Delaware, Tennessee Win ‘Race for the Top’ Education Funding
Translation: Children of 48 States Left Behind

Headline: Judge Invalidates Human Gene Patent
Translation: “Only Trump may buy and sell someone,” court rules

Headline: Stone Family Wedding Was Held in Full Military Garb
Translation: The bride wore camouflage

Headline: Chocolate Protects Against High Blood Pressure, Stroke
Translation: Big Pharma to buy Hershey, become Big Wonka

Headline: Abortion provider’s killer is sentenced to life in prison
Translation: Pro-life Roeder gets his wish