iNews Friday, 5/7/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Flashback! Watch Rielle Hunter Compete on a Game Show
Translation: “I’ll take Sex Tapes for $5 million, Alex”

Headline: Belgium Bans People Wearing Burqas in Public
Translation: Iran Parliament cafeteria now serves Freedom Waffles

Headline: Gulf of Mexico underwater oil gusher a crisis no one imagined
Translation: Not headline writers, obviously

Headline: Airlines to Announce Merger
Translation: No more armrests between seats

Headline: Sandra Bullock Moves to New Orleans
Translation: Faster New Orleans response than Bush Administration

Headline: Left on their own, cities test new marijuana rules
Translation: Mayors seek Community Development Brownie Grants

Headline: Rossi Will Not Play the Role of Scott Brown
Translation: Dino Rossi cancels Cosmo centerfold shoot – Evergreen State jubilant

Headline: Census participation increases in Minnesota
Translation: Multiple Bachmann personalities finally get counted

Headline: Cinco De Mayo- Celebrate Mexican History Across The US
Translation: Jan Brewer proclaims Arizona a Margarita-Free Zone

Headline: ‘Most-hated,’ anti-gay preacher once fought for civil rights
Translation: The fateful day Fred Phelps first snorted myrrh

Headline: Gulf oil spill reaches Freemason Island as BP prepares to lower giant funnel
Translation: BP’s oil bong arrives at beach too late for Spring Break 2010

Headline: Palin endorses Fiorina in California Senate race
Translation: Palin to shoot FCINOs in sheep’s clothing from helicopter

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