Settle? No way!

I read a blurb in The Week about an article in The Atlantic Monthly by Lori Gottlieb. It had a concept so hideous, I went right to my copy of AM and read it. In her article, “The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (yeah, she really called it that!), she counsels 30-40 year old single women to end the agony of the search for true love and “settle” for someone instead.

Her thought is that women need the financial and emotional support of men in order to create a structure within which to procreate. Damn woman! What is this? 1972?! First, not all of us want to procreate. Second, men are not wallets, nannies or security blankets. They are fully realized human beings with thoughts, feelings and dreams of their own and they deserve more respect!

Marriage is HARD lady, even for those who are deeply in love. Trying it with some bozo you are only mildly able to tolerate is never going to work. She says in her article:

“I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane and often boring non-profit business.”

Spoken like a true single woman. She has no idea what she is talking about. She treats marriage like an acquisition. I give you me and I get financial security, household chores, a father for my children and emotional support. My question, is what does she bring to the party? I hear this crap all the time from women. I’m nearing 30, I should do something, I should get married. No you shouldn’t. Settling for less than what you really want is dooming your life to failure. Some of the best marriages I know of were made by people in their 40s and 50s. They waited for the person they wanted to be with. They didn’t settle. And in the end I think they’re light years ahead of Ms. Gottlieb and her ilk.

15 thoughts on “Settle? No way!”

  1. Frogette, your sentiment applies to so many important choices. Generally speaking, we can do better in so many areas. Gottlieb’s opinions are like nails on a chalkboard. Talk about old and moldy. It’s people who think like this that are ugly to me.

  2. Glad I’m not the only one who has made the conscious choice NOT to have kids.

    Getting married and having kids is not all that life is about.

  3. I love simple explanations for complex issues. The trouble is people live their lives on today’s mag article. The good news is they only do that until tomorrows article. We are (well not you and me of course) an impressionable society.

  4. good lord!!! why can’t people just live their lives? only because we are socially programmed do we feel the need to seek out a life partnership. there are plenty of well adjusted single women out there- happy with their own lives– as single women. i am a happily married woman who has chosen not to have offspring- good lord why would you want to leave this world to them? as anyone who has ever lived with another human being knows- you have to really care about the people you are living with to make it work. but sharing living space with a fully autonomous other person- still a challenge. this ‘woman’ needs to go back to jesusistan or wherever it is she came from. she is too stupid to be allowed out in public anymore.

  5. StationAgent you nailed it. Ugly is the word. How can making her life easier take precedence over someone else having a happy marriage? How do people get there in their heads? It’s so selfish.

    PoliShifter – you can have a great life sans kids. I’m proof of that, though I’ve been told for years I’m just “playing house”.

    Cartledge – my fear is that others will feel validated by her.

    betmo – I know lots of well adjusted single women. This one just happened to have a child on her own and now she needs “support”. Should have thought of that before hitting the sperm bank if you ask me.

  6. It\’s all an extension of the instant gratification society we live in. Good things come to those who wait. Most of the people I know who settled early in life have now been divorced and remarried.

  7. So true Lew. Better to skip your “starter marriage” and hold on for the real thing. You have to kiss a lot of princes before you find your frog!

  8. Hello, Frogette.
    This woman is a danger to herself and others.
    Perhaps her next article will be, “How to Lie about Being Pregnant to Get a Man to Marry You.” Wonderful.

    I’m a firm believer in marriage, even though I went through a rather hellish first marriage (the ritual scarring of our times…).
    Another of my sayings:
    Marriage can be the best thing that ever happened to a person, or the worst thing that ever happened to a person, depending on how you go about it.

    Gottlieb counsels that to recieve the worst thing is preferable to discretion. A recipe for disaster.

    What an idiot.

  9. That’s right, we’re not wallets. And not objects, either! Believe me, there are days I wish we didn’t have kids, heh heh. “Shut up you little bastards!”

    The sister of my best friend went through this crap. Was in her mid-30s and just HAD to get married. What the fuck for? Sure, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, but that’s true of anything.

  10. Progressive T – The thing is she’s not a stupid woman. She knew (or thought she knew) what she was getting into when she had a child on her own. She’s finding out that the grass is always greener. She thinks settling will solve problems that it will only exacerbate.

    Randal – Thank you! Men need to stand up and put an end to this BS about being walking wallets. It’s insulting to your sex.

  11. She would hat me, I am over 30 and not married, nor am I desperate to be in the least. I think that part of it is that I need a partner, not a financier.

    I make my own money, have put myself through college, traveled extensively and am on the verge of buying my own home.

    She is exactly the type of woman is dragging down womankind.

  12. I ranted about this a few weeks ago. Every year we get a series of articles trying to return women to the barefoot and pregnant stage. The sad thing is, lately they’ve been written by women. The Charlotte Allen piece in the WaPo was the latest example.

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