And now with a commentary on the recent flag lapel pin controversy, here is the actual Flag of the United States of–
SHUT UP, I’m talking now! Listen, people, I don’t want to hear any more arguing about who’s wearing a flag pin and who’s not. Because a pin can’t be a flag, it’s JEWELRY. Jewelry, as in signet rings, scepters and orbs, which are symbols of a freakin’ MONARCHY, not a republic.
A flag is made of cloth, and when I say cloth, I don’t mean what you use to make clothes. You don’t make Me into freakin’ t-shirts, windbreakers or bikini tops. Jessica Simpson notwithstanding — I never know if it’s really Me you’re saluting.
Definitely don’t make Me into a freakin’ bandana — would YOU like to be wrapped around the sweaty head of whatever big-hat small-brain country-western flavor of the month wants to look patriotic? I didn’t think so. Some of those hair products are flammable, and you can only burn Me for disposal or as an act of protected political speech.
And certainly NOT freakin’ BOXER SHORTS. George freakin’ W. Bush wears flag boxers, and I have just one word to say about that: skidmarks.
Anyway, Barack Obama has got it exactly right when he says flag pins have become a substitute for real patriotism. DAMN STRAIGHT! If those pseudo-patriots are really serious about love of country, they’d also wear Constitution lapel pins. But they DON’T, which means I’m on the phone with the Constitution every night, forced to listen to her marathon crying jags about how “no one loves me like they love you, everyone wants me to diet and lose a few amendments, you’re so lucky you’re the flag.”
Christ, not having to listen to that anymore is reason enough to stop this whole flag pin crap. As far as I’m concerned, Obama is free to not wear a flag pin all the way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, with My blessing. Yeah, that’s a freakin’ endorsement — you wanna make something of it?
Let Me back up a second and talk about this whole saluting the National Anthem business too. You salute ME, not the freakin’ Anthem. The Anthem is already the vainest sumbitch you ever saw — ‘everyone stands up for me, people shoot off fireworks for me, they play me at the Olympics’ — stop encouraging him already!
Bottom line: a flag is cloth and you hang it off a structure or a pole. So if you still want to carry the American Flag around on your person, Resmuglican friends, there is only one way to do it: attach Me to a pole, then bend over.