New York Governor Eliot Spitzer yesterday admitted he had been caught by a federal investigation into an international prostitution ring.
“I apologize first and most importantly to my family. I apologize to the public to whom I promised better,” Spitzer said Monday in a brief appearance at his Manhattan office. “I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my family.”
However, prominent Republican critics say Spitzer forgot someone important in his apology.
“Who cares about family, the public and his standards — Jesus is the one deserving an apology. And he’s still waiting,” said Francis F. “Fifi” Frandle, GOP image consultant and ethics guru.
“Just call me the right wing’s little moral compass,” jokes Frandle.
“Whether a Republican is caught with an escort, chasing Congressional pages around a desk, tap dancing in an airport men’s room, or leaking the name of a CIA agent, the first person he seeks forgiveness from is Jesus,” said Frandle. “This is because when someone takes the oath of office, your hand is on the Bible and you swear to god, Jesus’ dad, who gave Moses the Constitution on stone tablets.”
“After Jesus, the big Kahuna, you don’t need to apologize to anyone else. Which is important, because apologizing to ordinary people undermines a Republican’s natural position as a leader,” he said.
“If someone still gives you a hard time, you tell them Jesus has already given you a pass, and it’s none of their business.”
And if the controversy still won’t go away? Frandle says there is a standard hierarchy that can be blamed: “alcoholism, chemical dependency, dehydration, secular progressives, George Soros, the designated hitter rule, and, finally, Satan.”
At the White House, a gleeful President Bush said the fact that Spitzer was caught as the result of intercepted communications proves the effectiveness of the government’s warrantless wiretapping program. “If the terrorists try to hire high-priced call girls, we’ll get ’em,” Bush said.