Category Archives: Elections

Ralph Nader – The modern Harold Stassen?

You go from Iraq to Palestine/Israel, from Enron to Wall Street, from Katrina to the bungling of the Bush administration, to the complicity of the Democrats in not stopping him on the war, stopping him on the tax cuts, getting a decent energy bill through – and you have to ask yourself, as a citizen, should we elaborate the issues that the two (parties) are not talking about?

— Ralph Nader announcing his 5th run for the presidency

Ralph you miserable wretch! You…accusing the Democrats for not stopping the war is like an arsonist accusing the firemen of not doing their jobs because the building he set on fire burned to the ground.

— Kvatch

The following is a reprint from Blognonymous that I wrote when Nader announced that he might run early last year.

Dear Ralph Nader,

Well…there certainly isn’t much left for anyone to say about you and your monumental ego. Though I suppose I should give credit where credit is due: Few people reach the end of their lives with such deep and abiding hatred of their fellow man. I mean how many of us can really say that they have had the opportunity, and in your case the will, to contribute in a substantial way to the utter destruction of their nation? It’s as if 30 years of consumer advocacy have turned you into the ultimate consumer assailant.

Ralph NaderYou see, you whine and cry about how there is no real difference between the parties, but you know that’s not true. If it were true then there would have been no point to your playing the spoiler in 2000, no point to helping George W. Bush into power. The sad fact is that things would have been different with 8 years of a Gore administration. Oh, the excesses of corporate America would have barreled along unchecked, but Gore would have handled 9/11 very differently–no $500B dollars down the tubes. Gore would have used the presidency as a “bully pulpit” to agitate for a proper response to global climate change, and the public might just have gotten on board. But you can’t see that. All you can see is a one way trip to hell for the rest of us so you can sooth your own rage at your monumental impotence.

2008 is coming around Ralph, and you’ve only got one card left to play. Unfortunately, the fact that you’re willing to play it tells us everything we need to know about the pathetic louse you’ve become.

McCain undergoes emergency surgery – Lobbyists found up his wazoo

Presumptive GOP presidential nominee John McCain underwent emergency surgery today to remove corporate lobbying connections from his wazoo.

The lobbyists were discovered last week during a physical examination by the health section of the New York Times

A subsequent pathology report found Sen. McCain’s wazoo is filled with malignant corporate connections, and include Charlie Black of BKSH & Associates,  Alcalde & Fay, Davis Manafort, The Loeffler Group, Ogilvy Government Relations, and dozens of lobbyists raising money for his campaign.

Doctors say the condition is common in politicians who have been in office for a long time.  Dr. Rollie Fingers, a polirectal health specialist from Hershey, Pennsylvania, says it is likely McCain got lobbyists up his wazoo while in bed with telecom lobbyist Vicki Iseman of Alcalde & Fay.

Dr. Fingers said the usual treatment is chemotherapy.  He said is it likely doctors will start high doses of Ralph Nader, which should allow McCain to recover by early November.

The best prevention strategy is screening, says Fingers. The New York Times should go up politicians’ wazoos at least once a year, he said.

Dear Senator Clinton

For all the injustices you’ve suffered at the hands of rabid, sub-human conservatives…I wish it were otherwise.

For the admirable way you’ve moved forward following the dark days of an unjust impeachment…I wish it were otherwise.

In recognition of your service to the people of New York and the considerable skill you’ve brought to the job…I wish it were otherwise.

For the fact that, at this time in history—even more than I desire to see a black or Hispanic president—I ache to see a woman finally achieve the White House…I wish it where otherwise.

But it is not otherwise. The Clinton era ended at the moment the US Supreme Court illegally stopped the 2000 Florida recount, and the days of your husband’s presidency will not return. Your presidency would be as divisive as his because the Republicans will not stop until you and your administration are destroyed.

I sincerely wish it where otherwise, but you are the wrong woman at the right time.

This is not to say that this should be the end. Stay in the Senate where your skills and charm can do more good than you would be able to do in the White House. I want to see you as the Majority Leader. I want you to be the bulwark that stands between us and the next “George W Bush”. Or…be a justice on the Supreme Court—be the Chief Justice! I want you as a protector of the Constitution.

In conclusion, the presidency may not be your crowning achievement, but the woman that follows you will acknowledge that it was your campaign that made her presidency possible. I wish it were otherwise…I really, really do, but there are so many ‘firsts’ yet to achieve.

Dear Senator Obama

OK, I’ll admit it: I’m in a quandary here. You see…my man John Edwards is out of the race, and frankly I don’t think you’re qualified to be the president. I’m not old enough to be excited by perceived similarities between your campaign and the 1960 Kennedy campaign. Likewise, I’m not young enough to be filled with optimism merely by listening to your speeches. In fact, you and I are just about the same age, and if I had as little time on the national stage as you, I wouldn’t consider myself qualified to be President either.

True, you were a member of the Illinois State Senate for 6 years, but that run for the House of Representatives didn’t work out so well. And since then, you’ve developed a habit very common in your Gen-Y supporters: You’ve started job jumping. In other words, you get bored with a position and then…well…you move on. Hell, your US Senate seat wasn’t even warm before you decided that your time had come. So what should we expect 14 months into an Obama administration? That you’ve had enough and are going to run for God?

Add to that the fact that, since starting your campaign, you’ve acquired an unfortunate allergy to Senate roll call votes. Since I’m not naive enough to believe what you say on the stump, the most reliable guide to your views is your voting record. It’s the touchstone of the pressures that you might be susceptible too. But you seem to have concluded that if you don’t vote no one will figure you out. Your vote in favor of stripping immunity from the telecom bill? Admirable. Your refusal to vote on final passage? Transparent and cowardly.

In short, I wish you’d go back and prove that you can serve your constituents though till the end of your term. Then…maybe…I’ll consider you qualified to serve the rest of us.

Ignorance must be bliss

As someone I love dearly reminded me recently, there is a belief that ignorance is bliss. I always thought ‘Lollygobble Bliss bombs’ were bliss, sad advertising tragic that I am. Actually I’m not sure what they are, but never mind.

I know many on this particular blog would agree with the statement that ‘the US presidential primaries are a crock of shit!’ I’m sure because I think mine is the first reference to that great media event storming the country. Ooops, the Uber Amphibian did have a piece recommending that Huckabee loser for the Repugnant candidate. But that hardly counts.

What really concerns me is the information the US media chooses not to deliver to your doorstep or living room. I assume there are more advertising dollars in the ‘Primaries Reality Show’ than in observing the results of US foreign policy.

The latest ignored story is the attempted coup in the world’s youngest democracy, East Timor (Timor Leste). This is a country that ‘the great democracy’ happily handed over to a draconian Indonesian regime. My country was also part of that disgusting deal, but we report the results here.

So we now have one very brave President lying in an induced coma in an Australia hospital, with lead in his lungs. My anger at the coup has been increased a thousandfold by the US ignoring this situation, ignoring responsibilities for past actions.

I recall when a White House functionary was quietly sidelined two years ago after it was revealed he was passing messages to certain people in the Philippines, in an attempt overturn the elected government in that country. That news was ignored by US media too.

So given the power of US media and advertising, of the sanctity of the corporations, one can only conclude that ignorance is the best path for American citizens.

Platinum LEED for Paul HQ

Campaign office uses no government services

Already viewed as the presidential candidate with the most ideological consistency, Republican hopeful Ron Paul can now brag that his office is the greenest of all the campaigns. The U.S. Green Building Council yesterday gave the Paul’s national campaign headquarters the coveted Platinum ranking under its Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design (LEED) rating system.

LEED is a set of standards for sustainable building design and construction. The Council awarded the Paul campaign 69 out of 69 possible points for its new office, located outside Arlington, Virginia.

The Council’s announcement lauded the Paul design for its use of native building materials, natural lighting and ventilation, organic design, and not adding to the municipal waste stream.

“We wanted a headquarters that walks the talk that the government that governs best, governs least,” said Paul campaign spokesperson Lee Burtarrion. “So we decided the best thing was to have an office that doesn’t rely on government for anything.”

According to Burtarrion this meant no building permits, and no public-owned electricity, running water or sewer hook-up. “I tell ya, we drove our real estate agent nuts,” recalled Burtarrion. “But then he called and said ‘have I got a deal for you’.”

Paul is off the grid
Just toss trash all the way in the back.

Lack of facilities are not a problem, he says, because using a shovel gives one a strong sense of self reliance.

“A major consideration was that this design is totally fireproof. The fire department is an example of the kind of big government, socialist program we refuse to use,” said Burtarrion.

“We also don’t get Postal Service delivery here, because it’s 500 yards from the road. Instead we have a box at the UPS Store in town,” he said.

But the Paul office is not completely lacking in modern conveniences. “Phone companies are private sector. We have a kick-ass phone system,” Burtarrion said.

Mitt Romney – Biggest Asshole of the Week

Provo UT (f-A-ke. P.)Mitt Romney

If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.

— Mitt Romney in a speech before the Conservative Political Action Conference

Well Kvatch… I didn’t really mean to imply that 52% of the electorate are un-American ‘surrender monkeys’. I just wanted to make it clear that we need a Republican in office to ensure the continuation of our godly mission to bring democracy to the heathen Muslim, wealth to the deserving upper-classes, and perpetual indebtedness to the rest of you (especially you Democrats). That’s all.

— Mitt Romney speaking with Kvatch Kopf from an LDS Celebrity Retreat in Provo, UT

My Dream Ticket – Huckabee vs. Whoever

The California presidential primary approaches, and frankly I no longer care which Democrat wins. My man Edwards is out of the race. Senator Obama is unqualified and Senator Clinton is a corporate shill who I don’t really think will change anything.

One Nation Under God?That is not to say I don’t care how this election shapes up. I do. The fact that a Democrat is probably going to romp notwithstanding, I want my party’s standard bearer to beat the right opponent, and by that I mean the right opponent—the far right—as right as it gets, and that’s Mike Huckabee.

“Why Huckabee?” you might ask. After all, on a number of issues, like incarceration, he’s more progressive than his GOP stablemates. Nope…it’s because evangelical conservatives are lining up to support him, and they’re my real target. You see I want a repudiation of the, “God’s country,” “Christian Nation,” “…my country right or wrong,” wackos who’ve controlled debate for a couple of decades now. I want the Constitution to again be the supreme law of the land and liberty to be our guiding principle. In short, I want there to be wailing, rending of clothing, and gnashing of teeth from the buckle to the tip of the Bible Belt!

Robert Tilton - ParasiteI want to see money-grubbing televangelists laid low, with the IRS as the avenging angel. I want some good old-fashioned book burning. Keep the Bible but pile up the pseudo-religious pamphlets—“Your’s for only a $20.00 donation to our godly ministry!”—bring on the gasoline, and light ’em up!

I want to see 12-step programs for neo-cons. “Hi. My name’s Paul Wolfowitz, and I used to flog the idea of preemptive war. – Hi Paul”. I want every Republican who ever used the term ‘gay agenda’ to occupy a special float in the next San Francisco Pride Day Parade. In short, I want Huckabee because he’s the standard bearer for a group that typifies everything that is wrong with this nation. I want him to lose and lose badly. Then…and only then, I’ll start to hope.