Category Archives: International

“Today We Have 50 Saddams”

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of the statue of Saddam Hussein falling in Iraq.

Five years ago William Shawcross wrote this in the Wall Street Journal (h/t Rachel Maddow):

April 9th–Liberation Day! What a wonderful, magnificent, emotional occasion–one that will live in legend like the fall of the Bastille, V-E Day or the fall of the Berlin Wall. Watching the tearing down of Saddam Hussein’s towering statue in Baghdad was a true Ozymandias moment.

It slowly tumbled and, with perfect symbolism, just two rusty pipes were left sticking up from the boots. In the BBC’s London studio an Iraqi dissident said though tears, “April 9 is not just spring, it is for Iraqis eternal spring.”


Well done Shawcross, you idiot. Read the rest of that article it’s really effed up. It’ll bring back some old memories.

Ibrahim Khalil, an Iraqi mechanic, took part in toppling that statue. He told AFP that he deeply regrets that. “If history can take me back,” he said, “I will kiss the statue of Saddam Hussein which I helped pull down.” He went on to tell AFP, “Now I realize that the day Baghdad fell was in fact a black day. Saddam’s days were better. I ask Bush: ‘Where are your promises of making Iraq a better country?’ These days when we go out we have to carry a pistol. In Saddam’s regime, we were safe. We got rid of one Saddam, but today we have 50 Saddams.”

Bush in Romania – Plans to visit Coliseum, Vatican

President Bush arrived in Romania today for the NATO summit, continuing the important business of conducting foreign policy.

“It’s good to be in Rome,” Bush said.

“I’ve been looking forward to this trip my whole presidency,” said the clearly excited president. “We’re planning to do the tourist thing, be turisticos. Want to see the Vatican and St. Peter’s. Hope the Pope — hey that rhymes — hope John-Paul can fit us into his schedule.”

“I also want to see a soccer match at the Coliseum, and then take Laura for a romantic cruise on the Grand Canal,” the president said.

But Bush noted that serious diplomacy was the primary reason for the trip. “We’ve got more countries wanting to join NATO, and I don’t like it one bit,” he said, singling out Georgia’s application for membership.

“We can’t let our Peach State join NATO. As much as I would like the Confederacy to be a part of NATO, it makes it look like America is not fully behind my foreign policy, and I can’t not have America at my behind, fully,” said Bush.

Bush had a message for Georgia. “I have a message for the politicians in Atlanta: NATO is for foreign countries. That means countries that are foreign, which means they are foreigners. Meaning not domestic. They speak foreign languages, French, German, Russian, British,” Bush said.

In other news, the White House denied Bush was booed when he threw out the opening day first pitch at yesterday’s Washington Nationals game. “They were yelling ‘Buuuuuuush, Buuuuuuush’,” press secretary Dana Perino said.

Dancing with Statesmen

Inspired by the overwhelming popularity of the ABC reality show Dancing with the Stars, Hugo Chavez has announced his intention to partner with Britney Spears and bring dancing to South America. “I need a first lady”, he stated bluntly, and she’ll bring me more media coverage than that damned Summit ever did.

President Chavez, already the host of his own weekly variety show, thinks he has the perfect venue for the talented Ms. Spears. “She can sing, she can dance, and let’s face it she looks good wrapped in a snake.” He believes she’s just the kind of caliente political darling Venezuela needs. “Besides, she was just wasted on that stupid, How I Met Your Mother episode. Capitalist drivel”.

Reached for comment at the Starbucks in West Hollywood, Ms. Spears was quoted as saying, “I love my little huggie bear and can’t wait to star in Dancing with Statesmen”. Stage parents Jamie and Lynn Spears were nearby beaming proudly and referring to Britney’s new gig as the big comeback.

President Chavez has previously been linked to supermodel Naomi Campbell, but said, “Puta threw a phone at my head, so I had her skinny ass deported.”

Definition wars

The US is celebrating the fifth anniversary of the ‘Iraq War’, on there own, because it is the only country which still calls it a war. Now this is not just an exercise in semantics, the way we define things is central to the way we take action.

The next big undefined war anniversary will be the War on Terror, undefined because there is simply no agreed universal definition of terrorism. Don’t get me wrong, there are hundreds of definitions for terrorism, but each framed to keep the actions of the framers out of the frame. It is a political minefield.

Just in the US government we can identify organisation specific definitions in the FBI, State , Justice, Defence, Homeland and an oft quoted Vice Presidents Task Force 1986.

So how can you make laws, or wage wars, on something without a universally accepted legal or even general definition?

On the bright side, prosecuting ‘terrorists’ in the US should be as easy as switching jurisdiction to the agency with the most suitable definition for a specific case.

Of course that is a moot point, George W knows what he means by terrorism, he just doesn’t want to give perpetrators any advantages by sharing his knowledge.

Perhaps we should be launching an international terrorism definition design competition.
Meanwhile, beware the shifting sands of ad hoc government actions.

Iraq not speaking to Bush – Uncertain future after Bush forgets 5th anniversary

Baghdad is quiet but tense Thursday morning, one day after President Bush forgot his and Iraq’s fifth anniversary.

“He claimed he wanted to do something spontaneous and romantic, but give me a break,” said Iraq. “Showing up late with Cheney and McCain so they can watch spring training baseball isn’t spontaneous, it’s insensitive,” Iraq said.

“As for romantic, he obviously has no idea what romantic is.” Iraq is refusing to speak to Bush “until he shows he’s sorry for what he did.”

Last night Bush initially claimed he had merely tried to plan an informal celebration. “The only reason Cheney and McCain were there was to deliver the giant submarine sandwich,” Bush told Reuters. “I guess Iraq wanted me to do something more conventional.”

But this morning Bush admitted in a radio interview that he had let the anniversary slip his mind.

“I am so busted,” Bush told The Adam Carolla Show. Carolla convinced Bush to send Iraq flowers, and suggested a website offering discount bouquet shipments if the promotional code ADAM is used.

However, Iraq was not mollified. “We all know what’s going on here,” Iraq said. “What’s going on here is that he’d rather be with someone else. Pakistan and Syria have been texting me that they’ve seen Bush at the clubs with Afghanistan and Iran.”

“If he wants this relationship to work, Bush needs to stop getting preoccupied with other things, and get back to occupying me,” Iraq said.