I read with glee yesterday that the House of Representatives failed to pass an extension of some key components of the Patriot Act. Woo hoo! Break out the champagne. Turns out the Republicans underestimated the number of votes they had in the bag. They brought the legislation to the floor needing a two-thirds majority, but with a couple of dozen Tea Party defections they failed to get it. I have to say my jaw dropped on that one. Tea Partiers voting against the Patriot Act? Sounds ironic to me. That is until I learned that their long term plan is to make these provisions permanent. Boo. All I can say to them is think about this people. You believe in liberty and your constitutional rights. You came to Washington to protect them. If you really want to put your money where your mouth is don’t vote for this when it comes to the floor again. Law enforcement has plenty of tools in their box. And any way, in my Country you don’t need to spy on your own citizens.
(Phoenix) San Francisco, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, and Seattle are among the growing number of cities adopting a boycott of the state of Arizona over that state’s new draconian immigration law. But one government is bucking the trend: North Korea.
Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer announced today she had received a letter of support from the reclusive Asian nation. “Arizonans can rest assured that their state is not alone in the world, we have friends standing with us,” Brewer told reporters at the Executive Office Building this morning.
A copy of the letter was released by the North Korea Honorary Consul and Espresso in Phoenix. In it, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il denounces the boycott as “a tool of those promoting open borders,” and praises Brewer and the citizens of Arizona. “Any people who take action to keep out the alien hoards are my kind of xenophobes,” Kim wrote.
Kim also includes an offer of economic and technology aid — linkages Brewer says she is keen to develop.
“It turns out that the very Californians who are boycotting us control power plants right here in the Grand Canyon state,” said Brewer, “and Hoover Dam is half in Arizona, but was built by and still owned by the U.S. government.”
“I’ve recently learned that those constitute an imperialist presence in Arizona. If we purchase nuclear power technology from North Korea we can build our own nuclear power plants, and end once and for all our dependence on big government hydroelectricity,” Brewer said.
The governor also said she plans to seek an in-kind payment arrangement with North Korea, so that any nuclear technology acquisition does not worsen the state’s budget situation. “For example, Supreme Leader Kim has let us know that his country is experiencing a serious tequila shortage,” she said.
May 17, 2193 BCE
(Memphis) Pharaoh Nefer reluctantly enacted a strict new immigration law last night, a response to a wave of popular sentiment opposing the presence in Egypt of the children of Israel — also known as Hebrews, or simply Jews.
The Egypt For Egyptians Act requires royal constables to question any person if there is reasonable suspicion they are Hebrew. The new law directs that anyone found to be Hebrew is to be deported, in a mass operation code-named Exodus.
The new law is an effort to quell virulent anti-Hebrew sentiment sweeping the Valley of the Sun God, instigated by Jan Brewertiti, the conservative Lower Kingdom Vizier, who blames the children of Israel for a host of problems including unemployment, chariot accidents and obscene hieroglyphics.
The immigration controversy is the latest in a series of political setbacks for the Nefer administration, chief among which are the series of plagues. The tenth and latest plague afflicted firstborn male children. However, the immunity of Hebrew firstborns has given rise to conspiracy theories blaming the children of Israel for the so-called ‘Passovergate.’
The conspiracy theories came to a head when political activist Horli Taytsankhammun publicized her claim that Moses, a senior aide to Pharaoh Nefer, is not Egyptian but a Hebrew. Taytsankhammun maintains she has clay tablets proving Moses is an ‘anchor baby,’ found as an infant floating in a Nile wetland by Pharoah Pepi II’s daughter.
“The fact that Moses has been given power in the royal palace is just one example. We need to stop all of the two million children of Israel who are taking away jobs from real Egyptians.”
On the other side, civil rights activists says the children of Israel should not be blamed. “The Hebrews are basically slaves,” explained Cleopatra Djones of the Amenhotep Civil Liberties Union. The organization helped plan a recent pro-Hebrew rally on the campus of Blessed Be The Spirit of Ra Community College.
Djones said Hebrews are doing jobs native Egyptians don’t want. “These include low paid or back breaking work, such as building pyramids, cleaning villas, gardening, and clerking at Khufu-Mart.”
The Pharaoh’s new law should have targeted slavedrivers, added Djones — the people and businesses offering the no wage jobs with no benefits. “Taking slaves is driven by demand, not by the slaves,” she said.
However, the momentum remains with Vizier Brewertiti and the anti-immigrant activists, who succeeded in inserting Operation Exodus — the mass deportation — into the Egypt For Egyptians Act.
Today palace spokesman Horus Senseman provided details of Operation Exodus. “Next month the Hebrews will be marched east to the Sinai Peninsula, with a military escort under Pharaoh Nefer’s personal command,” said Senseman. “We wish the Jews the best, and hope they find a long-term home in the land known as Palestine.”
Conservative political activist Liz Cheney today called on the Fox Network to take its long-running COPS reality series off the air. According to the daughter of former vice president Dick Cheney, “COPS is soft on terrorism by showing police whose first instinct is to read suspects their Miranda rights.”
“I want to take my shotgun and pump a few rounds into the TV every time I see COPS subverting the war on crime,” said Cheney.
“It doesn’t make any sense. Tell evildoers they have the right to remain silent, and they’ll remain silent! It’s so stupid,” she said.
Cheney said Americans know instinctively that it is wrong to remind suspects of their rights. “Most citizens would have no objection to giving up their rights if it means helping the police. Is it wrong for police to randomly stop and question you if you’re just walking down the street? Of course not.”
Most of all, Cheney stressed her top priority in getting COPS canceled is to protect children. “That kind of Constitution garbage should not be coming into American homes. We have conservative youth we’re trying to indoctrinate,” she declared.
The next step of Cheney’s crusade is a national speaking tour, promoting the idea of replacing the court system with something she calls ‘police tribunals.’ “The courts have to be shut down because they created the Miranda warning in the first place,” she explained.
Cheney advocates broad new powers for law enforcement, including the authority to declare criminal suspects ‘illegal urban combatants,’ question them with enhanced interrogation methods, and hold them indefinitely on an island somewhere.
Sarah Palin dropped out of the 2010 Iditarod today, earning her the distinction of being the first former Alaska Governor to quit the storied 1,100 mile endurance challenge.
Palin’s withdrawal comes after two days of disappointments out on the route. Palin was delayed on Saturday in Anchorage when her number one and two dogs Levi and Bristol ran off into the woods together for two hours. As a result the race had to be restarted Sunday.
After the restart Palin failed to shoot any wolves from her sled. “The terrain was unsportsmanlike by being so bumpy that I couldn’t get off a clean shot at any of them dontcha know,” she said Sunday afternoon via satellite phone.
Soon after that Palin was again delayed, this time by a crew from Dog Fancy magazine who had come to photograph Levi for the April centerfold.
Palin suffered another setback Sunday evening when perspiration blurred the directions she had written on her hand. As a result she took a wrong turn in the dark near Yentna Station and fell into last place.
“This is too hard, I quit,” Palin radioed to race officials this morning.
However, the Iditarod will not be a total loss for Palin. She has received a $1.25 million advance from HarperCollins to write a book about how to win the Iditarod, and she gets to keep all the musher apparel and equipment provided by Loki, Go, Neos, and Archie McPhee.
And Bristol is expecting puppies.
In other news, Senator John McCain today explained his decision to include dead people among the signatories of a letter opposing an end to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays in the military. “I’m a big supporter of seance,” said the four term Arizona lawmaker. “Our nation has produced many great military leaders like George McClellan, George Armstrong Custer, Bill Westmoreland, and my old navy buddy Matt Perry. Why should we limit ourselves to the opinions of the living, when at stake is whether our men in uniform are comfortable in the showers?”
This is a chilling little development: The US military is quietly looking into a legal framework for stripping Americans of their citizenship. Now admittedly this is only supposed to be used against identified terrorists, but consider the implications…
As it stands now the US government has no legal mechanism for stripping someone of their citizenship, and what this means is that the Feds have no legal grounds for denying you due process of law; they may not deport you without your consent, nor can they deny you entry to the country. This last one is actually quite critical because the US Dept. of Homeland Security *does* claim that they can deny a citizen entry to the US even though it’s a violation of international treaties, and international treaties, to which the US is a signatory, have the force of law.
Now imagine a US that does have a legal framework for stripping one of one’s citizenship… Now you may say, “Hey, this is only for terrorists,” but remember that the Bush administration abused almost every power they were granted by Congress or illegally co-opted, and the Obama administration has done nothing to reverse that trend. So, if the Feds decide that you’re a danger, all they have to do is strip you of your citizenship (using the ‘terrorist’ excuse if they have to), deport you to a location outside of the US, and then…once you are effectively “stateless”, you cannot travel, you cannot work, you cannot legally challenge your status, and you effectively have no protections or rights under the laws of whatever country you land in. Basically…you’re dead, and the US didn’t even have to murder you to achieve the result.
There are certain powers that no government should be granted because the opportunities for abuse are too numerous and the temptation…to great. The ability to strip someone of their citizenship is one of these powers.
To say that US politicians form an ‘elite’ that are so disconnected from the average citizen that they can’t even be bothered to verbally support, much less uphold, our laws would be a huge understatement. Just in the last week we’ve heard politicians on both sides of the political spectrum—from the idiot poser Sarah Palin to former President Bill Clinton—criticize their peers for upholding the law. And it doesn’t stop there: Officials high and low, from judges to law enforcement to representatives, seem now to believe that laws are just pesky restrictions that don’t really apply to them. Here are some examples pulled from last week’s news:
Senator Lamar Alexander (R-TN), not usually know for being a Constitution-busting conservative, calls on Attorney General Eric Holder to resign for…well…upholding the Constitution in the matter of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, imprisoned as a criminal rather than being ‘disappeared’ as a terrorist for his attempt to blow up a US bound jet liner. Alexander, of course, is a hypocrite since he made no such call when Bu$hCo, and then Attorney General Ashcroft, did the same with ‘shoe bomber’ Richard Reid.
Former President Bill Clinton makes an appeal to the Haitian government to “quickly resolve” the case of 10 US missionaries accused of attempting to kidnap 33 Haitian children in the aftermath of the recent quake, asserting that the accused, “…might be telling the truth”. To which Americans should respond… “So what?” The former president seems to have forgotten that, had this happened in the US, any call to resolve the matter outside the boundaries of the US judicial system would have resulted in politicians and pundits calling for the heads of anyone making such a statement. Apparently trials are good enough for the US but not good enough for Haiti.
Sarah Palin and her fellow travelers from the so-called Tea Party Convention manage, in the space of a few days, to 1) Criticize the president for upholding the Constitution on matters of terrorism—though these blathering morons would never have tolerated that kind of dissent when the president was named “Bush” rather than “Obama”; and 2) Call for the reinstatement of unconstitutional ‘Jim Crow’ laws—despite the fact that most of their supporters probably couldn’t pass the kinds of civics exams that were the cornerstone of many laws designed to disenfranchise blacks.
A plethora of headlines from the most irrational, ‘no-brainer’ debate of our times:
GOP now wants ’superfilibuster’ for healthcare reform — From the party that would have done away with the filibuster if they could have, comes a plan to de-legitimize the health care outcome if they don’t get their way.
Insurers admit 50,000 employees lobbying Congress to claim profits fair — This is good, but taking the Goldman Sachs approach and getting one of their own as head of Health and Human Services would probably be better.
Fox furthers ‘death panel’ hysteria with ‘death book’ claim — When I make up the news, I at least tag it as humor or satire. When FOX makes up the news they have a ready make cabal of morons who apparently believe anything they’re told.
DeMint And Bachmann Call On States To Collectively Fight ObamaCare If Passed — DeMint and Bachmann are the sort of nutters for whom the 10th Amendment (‘reservation of un-enumerated powers to the states or to the people’) is only useful when it’s a power they approve of. Ask these ass-wipes how they feel about feel about 10th Amendment arguments supporting gay marriage.
And finally… A Commonwealth Fund report lays out for us the grim health care situation. Insurance premiums, that doubled in 00’s, will double again by 2020. In other words, you will soon be paying as much for your insurance as you pay for housing. Chew on that, while these ‘Thuglican f*cks do their level best to keep the profits flowing into an industry that isn’t really interested in keeping you healthy anyway.
what Barney Frank is saying to this moron!
From the iNews9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—
Headline: Police unions call for apology from Obama
Translation: Confederate re-enactors demand White House apologize to Robert E. Lee
Headline: US and China Leaders Meet in Washington
Translation: Obama wants to meet China leader again an hour later
Headline: Sarah Palin hands over power in Alaska
Translation: Transition hits snag – Todd forms guerrilla resistance
Headline: Former Alaska Governor Says, ‘I Feel Great’ After Leaving Office
Translation: State’s reputation begins long recovery
Headline: Renowned Choreographer Merce Cunningham Dies at 90
Translation: Critics – Cunningham’s death lacks energy, movement
Headline: Most panel Republicans to oppose Sotomayor
Translation: “Wise white males” make their decision
Headline: Apple Tablet Buzz Intensifies
Translation: Apple’s “iBuprophen” is slender 200mg tablet
Headline: Republican Senator Bunning announces retirement
Translation: Was first Muppet in Congress
Headline: Gates, Crowley to meet at White House for beer on Thursday
Translation: Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name
Headline: Sunbeds join cigarettes, arsenic as top cancer threat
Translation: If you outlaw tanning beds, only outlaws will be leathery
Headline: Glenn Beck says Barack Obama has “deep-seated hatred” of white people
Translation: Glenn Beck a shoe-in to have beers at White House
Translation (Turbo mode): Beck – “Obama hates half of himself – or half-hates all of himself”
Headline: Reds acquire Balentien from Mariners
Translation: Reds use up remaining Piniella Bucks coupons
Headline: Sudanese Woman Facing 40 Lashes for Wearing Pants
Translation: Plus 10 lashes for the wrong shoes
Headline: West Bank Settlers Scorn Obama’s Push for a Freeze
Translation: Settlers, Palestinians invited to White House for Manishevitzes
Headline: “Beer Summit” set for White House
Translation: Crowley picks “tastes great” – Gates “less filling”
Laugh along at #beersummit