Category Archives: Satire

iNews Friday, 4/30/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Archie Comics gets first openly gay character
Translation: Betty *and* Veronica

Headline: Dutch Propose Using Dikes to Generate Power
Translation: Bachmann warns Europe is developing lesbian electricity

Headline: Leinenkugel enters US Senate race
Translation: Would be first beer since Prohibition to serve in Senate

Headline: Did Sarah Palin Resign as Governor because of Money?
Translation: Gave oil lobbyists incorrect change

Headline: KFC Wants To Fight Breast Cancer With Buckets Of Fried Chicken
Translation: Breaded Breasts For Breast Cancer

Headline: GOP unveils plan on financial sector
Translation: GOP releases clean sheet of paper

Headline: Obama & 107 Yr Old In Iowa Diner
Translation: President and McCain in surprise lunch meeting

Headline: Coast Guard Tries Burning Oil as It Nears Land
Translation: BP wants to charge Coast Guard $4 a gallon

Headline: Obama – “oil rigs today generally don’t cause spills”
Translation: Obama promotes ‘clean oil’

Headline: Louisiana ‘Fishing Capital’ Braces for Giant Slick
Translation: Fabrice Tourre plans fishing trip

Headline: Spill Response- Burn Baby Burn
Translation: Massive oily smoke cloud grounds flights across Europe


Oil company worried sea water could get into Gulf of Mexico

BP is warning of another potential disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, six days after an oil rig sank 50 miles off the coast of Louisiana. This time the danger comes from Atlantic Ocean water that could leak into the Gulf, contaminating one of the United States’ major oil reserves.

“The ocean contains a lot of material we don’t want polluting our pristine sea of oil,” said BP spokesman Ollie Sheen.

“Unfiltered seawater contains marine life and plants, as well as litter and toxic chemicals — all of which could damage expensive refinery equipment.”

Taking refineries off line to repair water damage could cause gas prices to rise this summer, Sheen added, “at least that’s what we would tell the public.”

But Sheen stressed there were environmental concerns as well. “Keeping water from getting into the oil is important for public relations reasons, especially since this is Earth Month,” he said.

Sheen said BP’s plan to prevent disaster involves working with the Coast Guard to set fire to a small amount of oil.

“The burning oil will evaporate the water,” Sheen explained.

Rear Admiral Roger MacAnally of the 8th Coast Guard district invited the public and media to a celebratory dinner that will be held after the end of the burn operation. Braised and roasted marine birds will be served.

Coast Guard delays oil burn until somebody comes to their senses

Gulf Coast (f-A-k-e. P.)

In what’s being billed as one of the biggest environment efforts of the Obama Administration the Coast Guard announced today that it will not ignite the oil slick in Louisiana’s Gulf region. Bill Thompson, senior frigate commander went on record saying, “Well the truth is we’re not quite sure how to light it and we definitely don’t know how to put it out.”  Americans are concerned that a large black smoking cloud may not be a good alternative to the oil spill currently seeping from the downed rig.  Senate Republicans enacted a filibuster and immediately called for hearings. “Why can’t we just scoop that oil us and use it?”, Kay Bailey Hutchinson said. “Americans are starved for oil. It’s like we’re burnin’ money!”.  The Senator wasn’t alone in her concern.  The Tea Party has brought out their bass boats and homemade plastic scoops and are racing to the site as we speak. “This is America’s oil. I’m not going to let big Government just light it on fire!” Sarah Palin shouted from her bullhorn.  “It’s time to reclaim what’s ours!”

Girl from Nantucket looks forward to end of National Poetry Month

A Nantucket Island woman is speaking out today in an attempt to raise awareness about a little known negative of National Poetry Month.

“Thank god it’s almost over,” said Regina Fouquet of Madaket, a village at the western end of the popular tourist destination.

Fouquet, 34, says she has been subjected to rhyming harassment every year since the Academy of American Poets started the annual celebration in 1996.

“Starting April Fool’s Day every Tom, Dick, and Whitman thinks they’re a poet,” said Fouquet, “but they’re idiots, so of course the only form they know about is the dirty limerick. ‘Dah-dah dah dah-dah from Nantucket, dah-dah dah dah rhymes with Nantucket’.”

“Soon, people start sending postcards and calling or emailing all hours of the day and night with their stupid limericks,” she said.

“I don’t find anything remotely funny about the names Regina and Fouquet, or that I’m from Nantucket,” added Fouquet.

And she wants amateur poets to know, “it’s pronounced Re-jeena Foo-kay.”

But what rankles Fouquet most of all is being referred to as a girl: “I’m a woman, not a girl — it says so on my NOW membership card.” This year she prepared for National Poetry Month by retaining legal counsel, and is already preparing papers for harassment suits against more than 100 limericists in nine countries.

“Call me a girl again, and you’ll be hearing from my new attorney — Gloria Allred. She’ll kick your ass all the way to Limerick,” Fouquet said.

Hawking warns of alien danger – Physicist made honorary citizen of Arizona

(Phoenix) The state of Arizona has honored one of the world’s leading scientists. Governor Jan Brewer issued a proclamation today making renowned physicist Stephen Hawking an honorary citizen of Arizona.

“Normally we Arizonans don’t have time for education except for collegiate football and basketball, but Professor Hawking’s recent warnings against making contact with aliens reverberated with many in the Grand Canyon State who share his concerns,” Brewer told reporters after signing the proclamation.

Brewer said she is worried about the effect on public education if there were to be enrollment of small, spindly aliens depicted in movies such as ET and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. “Children of more advanced species would drive drive test scores through the roof, human children wouldn’t be able to compete,” said Brewer.

“Why, our university football and basketball programs would have fewer in-state recruits who could play against teams from states with fewer aliens,” she said.

The governor also said Hawking’s observations had implications for the economy. “Professor Hawking’s warning about huge spaceships is also very concerning. Those ships could have technology capable of trimming hedges, skimming swimming pools, cleaning hotel rooms, and preparing food for almost no cost — meaning they’ll be able to take jobs away from human Arizonans,” she explained.

“It is for these reasons I am recognizing this great man. By making Stephen Hawking an honorary Arizonan his ideas are no longer strange and foreign, so Americans can feel free to study them without feeling like a European intellectual.”

Reached for comment by the BBC, Hawking thanked Brewer for the honor. “I am looking forward to visiting Arizona some day. It would be interesting to meet politicians who are so dumb their IQs can’t be calculated — but I could give it a try,” Hawking said.

Icelanders finally have revenge for economic meltdown

Reykjavik (f-A-k-e. P.)

“Call my loans bitches, I’ve got volcanoes you don’t even know about!”

~ Iceland

Europe has spent the week in travel chaos as a giant Icelandic cloud of ash has cast a pall over 22 countries grounding up to 17,000 flights a day.  The Eyjafjallajokull volcano started to erupt just over a week ago.  European media has speculated that the normally dormant volcano was brought to life by smoldering Icelandic outrage over Europe calling it’s loans, leading to the current deep recession.  Icelandic officials were reached for comment, but no one understood a word they said.  It is hoped that sister volcano Katla won’t fall prey to the same anger.  If it does it could start a domino effect of volcanic eruptions eventually burying Europe under the same dark cloud that now hangs over the Icelandic economy.

Palin accuses Obama of pallin’ around with Martians

Sarah Palin spoke out forcefully today against Barack Obama’s plan to change the direction of the U.S. space program. “The red planet is red because it’s socialist,” she said of the president’s decision to have NASA undertake a mission to Mars by the 2030s. The charge came as the former Alaska governor campaigned for Senator John McCain’s reelection bid.

Palin’s extensive knowledge of Mars was on display, telling a rally of admirers in the town of Cuello Muy Rojo, Arizona: “As governor of Alaska I could see Mars from Alaska at certain times in the evening.”

“Plus, what I remember from auditing Western Civ at one of those colleges is that Mars is the god of war. Sounds like the sort of place we shouldn’t be sending unarmed space ships,” Palin said.

Noting that another name for Mars is Ares, Palin said the President’s Mars plan is the latest in a pattern of questionable associations, which she first spoke about as McCain’s vice presidential running mate in 2008. “First he was pallin’ around with terrorists like Bill Ayers, which sounds like Ares, so Obama is probably now pallin’ around with Martian terrorists too,” she told the cheering crowd.

Palin said that if Republicans take control of Congress in the fall midterm elections, GOP leaders would seek to replace the Mars plan with one that stresses vigilance over discovery. “Unless we’re talking about discovery of illegal Martian socialists living among us — Bill Ayers — America shouldn’t be trying to go there, we should be stopping them from coming here.”

Palin took the opportunity to voice support for Arizona’s new draconian immigration law, calling the measure long overdue. “The police now have more and stronger tools to stop Draconians from landing on Earth and find the ones who are already here,” she said.

iNews Friday, 4/16/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Embattled Steele to Republicans: ‘I’ve Made Mistakes’
Translation: “The mistakes will be on April’s credit card statement”

Headline: Jon Voight blasts Obama
Translation: Father of Angelina Jolie’s brother thinks we want his opinion

Headline: GOP gov. candidate linked to Goldman
Translation: Steve Austin got government health care- would be 1st bionic governor

Headline: Big manure spill at dairy flows into Snohomish River
Translation: Different kind of pasture-ization

Headline: Gingrich to sign Contract From America
Translation: To be followed by initialing the Fine Print From Dick Armey
Translation (Turbo mode): “Sorry, they install that corruption at the factory”

Headline: RNC chairman- GOP wants to help black community
Translation: Correction- Steele meant black *oil* community

Headline: Ex-WaMu CEO defends bank’s actions before failure
Translation: Killinger defends ‘extreme adventure banking’ strategy

Headline: Afghans in secret jail ‘made to dance’ to use bathroom
Translation: Fox greenlights Footloose sequel

Headline: Arizona Poised to Pass Draconian Immigration Law
Translation: Palin urges crackdown on illegal Draconians

Headline (Tweet mode): What kind of Congressional District votes for Michelle Bachmann? Are they from Mars?
Translation: Obama says we’ve already been to Moon – sets goal of manned mission to Minnesota’s 6th Congressional District

Strict construction makes Supreme Court unnecessary, Bachmann says

Even as President Obama weighs potential nominees to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, a growing number of conservative lawmakers say the high court itself is unnecessary and ought to be abolished.

Among them is Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who today called the Supreme Court nothing more than an expensive bureaucracy.
“Strict construction means the Constitution doesn’t change from its original meaning, so we don’t need to maintain a court to interpret it,” asserted Bachmann, “especially expensive lawyer types and the bureaucracy that goes with them.”

“And make no mistake — they are bureaucrats. In fact the entire federal court system is unelected and inaccessible to everyone but other lawyers,” said Bachmann, a tax attorney.

The Minnesota lawmaker said her vision of a future without a federal judiciary would mean a chance to explore alternative forms of dispute resolution, such as found in the Second Amendment: “Americans don’t want the courts coming between them and their vengeance.”

Bachmann also doesn’t expect eliminating the Supreme Court will have much of an impact on the other two branches of government. “Congress and the White House function just fine, even though the Supreme Court for many years has had fewer than nine justices,” she elaborated.

“Under the original language of the Constitution as written by the framers, Clarence Thomas is only three-fifths of a justice, Ginsburg and Sotomayor are husbands’ property, and so was Sandra Day O’Connor,” Bachmann explained.