Category Archives: Religion

Queen of the Damned quits Church

Anne Rice used to be one of my favorite authors. I loved the lurid mythology and worlds she created in her vampire novels. Heck, I even watched Interview with a Vampire and survived a blonde Tom Cruise as Lestat. Then she started writing about Christ. Interesting, I thought. I mean nobody really ever talks about what he was doing between the ages of about 9 to 30, so there’s lots of room for historical interpretation. Except, the books were crowded with names, places, groups of people, but not with much insight into what the Christ was thinking.  Well other than that he didn’t want to be “the Christ”. Last week when I read in numerous articles that Anne Rice had “quit” Christianity via her Facebook page, I found myself wondering can you really unfriend an entire religion?

God will forgive Mel Gibson, but will you?

Note: Okay I know the Frog said goodbye and that we’d quit blogging, but there’s still so much insanity in the world I just can’t!  ~ Frogette

Poor, beleaguered Mel Gibson stepped out this past weekend to brave paparazzi and go to church.  You see Mel’s a Catholic.  And that got me thinking.  This guy has basically got a “get out of jail free card”.  He can beat his ex girlfriend, shirk his child support and generally berate anyone who crosses his path.  As long as on his last day on earth he apologizes and says he is, “really, really sorry”.  Then *bing!* it’s halo time.  What’s that you say?  He might never work in this town again?  Considering he still has possession of a $14.5 million house and he built that church he went to, I think he’ll survive.  No justice.  No justice at all.

Hate the Sinner

The Pope embodies moral truths that aren’t accepted, and the shortcomings and errors of priests are being used as weapons against the church… It’s not a bishop’s fault if one of his priests is stained by grave wrongdoing. And certainly the pontiff is not responsible.

— Angelo Sodano, dean of the College of Cardinals

There’s only one thing to say to such nonsense coming from the mouths of religious leaders who should really know better… WRONG-F*CKING-ANSWER!!!

Let’s get one thing absolutely clear, the Catholic Church is not a society. It is not a democracy. It is a theological order—a top-down, hierarchically structured dictatorship, where the man at the top has absolute authority over every single member of the clergy, from Cardinal Sodano to the lowest monk. And as such, his so-called “Holiness” has the power to judge, punish, and/or dismiss anyone who preys upon the church’s members. Is Benedict responsible for every instance of sexual abuse? No, but his authority over the clergy makes him absolutely responsible for every case where a pedophile priest could have been stopped…and wasn’t and every case where the church covered up the problem.

So… The more the Catholic hierarchy rallies around Benedict, the more we hear about how attacks on the pope are an orchestrated hate campaign against the church, the more we come to the realization that perhaps the Catholic Church deserves to be hated. If these hypocrites won’t take responsibility, they deserve to reap what they have sown.

iNews Friday, 4/2/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Pope Opens Holy Week Saying He Won’t Be Intimidated
Translation: Come on down to Easter Mass – No cover charge for boys

Headline: Bush team ‘arrogant group of Martians’
Translation: Bush-era Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator program canceled

Headline: ‘Christian warrior’ militia accused in plot to kill police
Translation: Downward, Christian Soldiers

Headline: Delaware, Tennessee Win ‘Race for the Top’ Education Funding
Translation: Children of 48 States Left Behind

Headline: Judge Invalidates Human Gene Patent
Translation: “Only Trump may buy and sell someone,” court rules

Headline: Stone Family Wedding Was Held in Full Military Garb
Translation: The bride wore camouflage

Headline: Chocolate Protects Against High Blood Pressure, Stroke
Translation: Big Pharma to buy Hershey, become Big Wonka

Headline: Abortion provider’s killer is sentenced to life in prison
Translation: Pro-life Roeder gets his wish

God to guest-judge on America’s Next Top Model – Modesty inspectors hope for “Christian burkas”

Extreme modesty activists are in a celebratory mood, after producers of America’s Next Top Model announced today that God will be a judge on three episodes of the program.

The Almighty will start lending his ineffable fashion sense to the hit CW Network show Easter weekend, network sources say.

Shirley A. Nutt, a card-carrying modesty inspector from Westmost, North Carolina, hailed the move. Nutt’s consulting firm, Beeswax Incorporated, prints pamphlets that advise women not to dress in ways that encourage men to commit rape.

“It’s about time the fashion world turned to God,” said Nutt. “All those plunging necklines almost exposing pink, delicate nipples; the skirts slit up to where you can see nearly everything; the see-through fabrics — it’s a wonder those models aren’t continually raped day in day out. By closeted lesbians,” Nutt said.

“What we need are Bible-believing models in Christian burkas, so that everything will be left to the imagination,” she added.

Nutt said she had briefly considered plucking out her eyes, so as to not see things that might offend her. “But then I wouldn’t be able to almost see women’s nipples. In order to judge their modesty,” she said.

A staffer with the America’s Next Top Model production company confirms it is responding to pressure from a religious segment of the audience. “The South is glued to their televisions, and what the market research is telling us is that they want titillation on TV, but not in public,” said assistant show runner Giorgio R. Frandle.

“Therefore we’re going to show even more of the models dressing, undressing, and parading around in next to nothing backstage. But on the runway, the fashions to be popularized will be made of burlap, and offer head-to-toe modesty,” Frandle said.

Show host Tyra Banks said she is excited at working with I Am That I Am. “Maybe he can help clear up people confusing me with Naomi Campbell all the time,” said Banks, adding, “I’ve never laid a hand on a cab driver in my life.”

Jim Crow Heathen

It is one thing for Administration to meet with groups of varying viewpoints, but it is quite another for a senior official to sit down with activists representing some of the most hate-filled, anti-religious groups in the nation

Council Nedd — Chairman of the religious advocacy group In God We Trust.

Reading between the lines, what Mr. Nedd really meant was: It’s OK for the administration to meet with religious groups, but meeting with a group representing atheists, agnostics, or secularists is not acceptable. Get it? Our’s does not count as a legitimate viewpoint. In fact, bigots like Nedd and his ilk are so frightened by the notion of non-believers even being acknowledged in this nation, that they need to brand them as “hateful” just to ensure that nobody mistakes what is normal and acceptable—i.e., religiosity—and what isn’t.

And this is how it is in the United States. The last group against whom discrimination is not only acceptable, but actively encouraged, are non-believers. Think I’m full of it? Well numerous polls have shown that most Americans consider atheism to be sufficient reason, by itself, to vote against a particular candidate. In other words, a professed non-believer will never be president of this nation. In fact, many Americans believe that atheists and agnostics should be barred from teaching in public schools, barred from attaining public office, and, if the criminally stupid shenanigans at our military academies are an indication, barred from serving in our military.

“So keep ya’h heads down non-believers. Know yer place and don’t git uppity. Don’t act like y’all have the same rights as the faithful, and nobody’ll have a reason to teach ya’ a lesson.”

Another Major Recall – Palin’s witchcraft protection failing

Americans already reeling from the Toyota recall were greeted this morning by news of another major recall.

Word of Faith Church founder Bishop Thomas Muthee said his church has recalled its witchcraft protection system, affecting one customer, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Muthee said his church will repair a fault that exposes Palin to spells that can cause her to veer wildly, and experience braking problems such as an inability to stop talking.

The problem with the witchcraft protection system arose last weekend, when strange writing manifested on the palms of Palin’s hands as she spoke at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Her husband, Todd, took her to the local Assembly of God dealership, where the service department diagnosed witchcraft. Muthee was notified, and he began working on a fix.

It was Bishop Muthee who journeyed to Wasilla, Alaska, in 2005 to install Sarah Palin’s witchcraft protection system, which he described as a dense ethereal coating to keep her “safe from every form of witchcraft.”

“Normally we apply the coating at the factory. But we made an exception in Palin’s case, due to the size of my honorarium,” he said.

Of the current recall, Muthee said that although spontaneous appearance of words on the skin is a clear sign of witchcraft, “English words are quite unusual, normally what we see is in Latin.”

“This points to a younger witch that didn’t learn Latin,” he explained, tracing the defect to the witchcraft protection system not being programmed to account for Barack Hussein Obama. “We didn’t think Kenyan witchcraft would appear in North America,” said Muthee, of Kiambu, Kenya.

This weekend Muthee will travel to New York, where Palin is working as a 2012 presidential candidate for Fox News. “Todd will bring her into the dealership maybe on Monday afternoon and we’ll put her up on the lift. Installing the upgraded witchcraft protection system should take an hour,” he explained.

Muthee maintains witches have enormous influence in America. “There are many examples, such as the song Witchy Woman, and the TV show Bewitched. There are the 2001 Seattle Mariners from the world of sports, and it is the best explanation for Hulu’s move to a subscription-based business model,” said Muthee.

“I was also the first to notice that there is even witchcraft in the Pledge of Allegiance, where it goes, ‘and to the Republic for witch it stands’,” he said.

ERITAS errata: ERITAS is taking this week off

iNews Friday, 1/15/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Steele- Reid should step down from leadership role for ‘Negro’ remark
Translation: “Let GOP handle the Negro remarks”

Headline: Sarah Palin takes Fox News commentator job
Translation: In anticipation Bill O’Reilly places large falafel order

Headline: Scalia sides with sex offenders against federal law
Translation: Thomas prefers Jenna Jameson to Sasha Grey

Headline: White House nears deal on health care
Translation: Don’t. Get. The undercoating

Headline: Pat Robertson says Satanic pact caused Haiti quake
Translation: Robertson also says small gnome stole his carkeys

Headline: State weighs giving up control over tuition hikes
Translation: Colleges could adopt Comcast billing model

Headline: Rightwingers fail to dent US donation surge
Translation: GOP introduces resolution to rename Haiti ‘Katrina’

Headline: ‘Pants on the ground!’
Translation: Belt industry launches awareness campaign

 

Robertson, Limbaugh sweep Demons Choice Awards

(Westmost, NC) Conservative media personalities were the big winners at yesterday’s Demons Choice Awards, the evil industry’s annual gala held at the Dukes of Hazzard Theater in downtown Westmost.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh won three awards and television evangelist and Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson took home four of the coveted Demons Choice statuettes, the depleted uranium winged lizard with fangs stained with real human blood.

Limbaugh’s politicization of Haiti disaster relief brought him victories in the categories of Satan’s Favorite Handmaiden, Most Likely To Share Hitler’s Dorm Room In Hell, and “The Severed Ear” — which goes to the past year’s highest-rated radio program in Hades.

While Limbaugh won because of his Haiti work, it was Robertson who took repugnance to the next level by falsely blaming God for the Haiti earthquake and deaths of thousands. The Virginia Beach, VA, televangelist won Favorite Hound Of Hell, Most Admired Incubus, and the ceremony’s most coveted award, Spiked Phallus of The Year.

Robertson was also given a fourth honor, the Rev. Jim Jones Lifetime Achievement Award.

Backstage after the ceremony, Robertson flashed a fanged smile for photographers while cradling his radioactive statuettes. However, Robertson’s image failed to register in any of the photos.

iNews Friday, 1/8/2010

A sampling of recent output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Pacquiao Says He Plans to Sue for Defamation
Translation: Also suing for mispronunciation

Headline: Nestle rebuked by the FDA for misleading labeling
Translation: Must now be pronounced ‘nessel’

Headline: Tiger Woods gets the Annie Leibovitz treatment for Vanity Fair
Translation: Woods repossessed by Liebovitz’s creditors

Headline: Quist – Beating Dems Bigger Than Fighting Terrorists
Translation: Quist delivers 3 hour speech in German

Headline: Accused Holocaust shooter Von Brunn dies in prison hospital
Translation: Never realized dream of dying in Spandau

Headline: Dodd, Dorgan will not seek reelection
Translation: Wrong Connecticut, North Dakota senators retire

Headline: EPA tightens smog standards
Translation: Limbaugh may only eat refried beans Tuesdays, Thursdays and alternate Saturdays

Headline: The Nexus One’s Seduction Secret
Translation: Best. Vibrate. Setting. Ever.
Translation (Turbo mode): Huge growth projected in cellphone sanitizer jobs

Headline: NJ Senate defeats gay marriage bill
Translation: Vote was 14 Aayy, 20 Fuggedaboutit