Dancing with Statesmen

Inspired by the overwhelming popularity of the ABC reality show Dancing with the Stars, Hugo Chavez has announced his intention to partner with Britney Spears and bring dancing to South America. “I need a first lady”, he stated bluntly, and she’ll bring me more media coverage than that damned Summit ever did.

President Chavez, already the host of his own weekly variety show, thinks he has the perfect venue for the talented Ms. Spears. “She can sing, she can dance, and let’s face it she looks good wrapped in a snake.” He believes she’s just the kind of caliente political darling Venezuela needs. “Besides, she was just wasted on that stupid, How I Met Your Mother episode. Capitalist drivel”.

Reached for comment at the Starbucks in West Hollywood, Ms. Spears was quoted as saying, “I love my little huggie bear and can’t wait to star in Dancing with Statesmen”. Stage parents Jamie and Lynn Spears were nearby beaming proudly and referring to Britney’s new gig as the big comeback.

President Chavez has previously been linked to supermodel Naomi Campbell, but said, “Puta threw a phone at my head, so I had her skinny ass deported.”

Definition wars

The US is celebrating the fifth anniversary of the ‘Iraq War’, on there own, because it is the only country which still calls it a war. Now this is not just an exercise in semantics, the way we define things is central to the way we take action.

The next big undefined war anniversary will be the War on Terror, undefined because there is simply no agreed universal definition of terrorism. Don’t get me wrong, there are hundreds of definitions for terrorism, but each framed to keep the actions of the framers out of the frame. It is a political minefield.

Just in the US government we can identify organisation specific definitions in the FBI, State , Justice, Defence, Homeland and an oft quoted Vice Presidents Task Force 1986.

So how can you make laws, or wage wars, on something without a universally accepted legal or even general definition?

On the bright side, prosecuting ‘terrorists’ in the US should be as easy as switching jurisdiction to the agency with the most suitable definition for a specific case.

Of course that is a moot point, George W knows what he means by terrorism, he just doesn’t want to give perpetrators any advantages by sharing his knowledge.

Perhaps we should be launching an international terrorism definition design competition.
Meanwhile, beware the shifting sands of ad hoc government actions.

Dana Perino – White House Press Asshole

Washington (f-A-ke. P.) –

At today’s White House press briefing, a testy exchange between f-A-ke. P. correspondent Kvatch Kopf and Press Secretary Dana Perino highlighted the disconnect between the wishes of the American people and an increasingly out-of-touch administration:

Dana Perino - White House Press AssholeMr. Kopf: Ms. Perino…Ms. Perino…

Secretary Perino: Yes Kvatch?

Mr. Kopf: Polls now show a solid 66% of Americans in favor of a speedy withdrawal from Iraq. Will the President accelerate his plans for a troop ‘draw-down’?

Secretary Perino: Well Kvatch, as I’m sure you are aware, the President doesn’t craft policy to please the American people. That would embolden the terrorists and endanger the nation.

Mr. Kopf: So are you saying that the President does not, in fact, work for us? That he has no responsibility to consider the American people’s wishes?

Secretary Perino: The American people have input every four years, and that’s the way our system is set up.

Mr. Kopf: But 2006 was an election, wasn’t it? Isn’t tossing Republicans out of both houses of Congress input that the President ought to listen to?

Secretary Perino: I shouldn’t have to answer that question. Congress has no authority over the President during wartime.

Mr. Kopf: Gee Madame Secretary… That makes you sound like an arrogant asshole.

Secretary Perino: It’s been said Kvatch. But then, look at the people who preceded me.

iNews Friday – 3/21/2008

Headline: Obama’s Race Speech Heralded as Historic
Translation: ‘Obama’ is a Kenyan name meaning ‘leader’

Headline: Clinton Tries to Keep Plan for Two Revotes Alive
Translation: ‘Hillary’ is an old Scottish name meaning ‘follower’

Headline: Obama confronts nation’s racial issues
Translation: Clinton appeals to nation’s worst tendencies

Headline: Clinton Records From ’90s to Be Released on Wednesday
Translation: Bush adds Hey Man Smell My Finger, Dope Dogs to iPod playlist

Headline: Sci-fi giant Arthur C. Clarke, dead at 90
Translation: Literary giant buried in monolith-shaped coffin

Headline: Translation:

Headline: Starbucks will ‘fight to the death,’ Schultz says
Translation: To the last drop

Headline: Seattle area becoming much more international
Translation: Seattle begs for annexation by Canada

Headline: Defiant president defends high cost of the Iraq war
Translation: “Halliburton added 15% service charge to the bill,” Bush says

Headline: California Court Awards Starbucks Baristas $105 Million in Tip Dispute
Translation: Starbucks baristas win un milione venti judgment
Translation (Turbo mode): “Where will I get a tip jar that big?” Schultz complains

Headline: McCain: Purim = Halloween?
Translation: Man wearing Lieberman mask terrifies Israeli children

Headline: Astronauts on spacewalk test patch for shuttle tiles
Translation: Yet another use found for duct tape
Translation (Turbo mode): KFC Extra Crispy to be included in NASA food packs, tool kits

Headline: Men of the Matyo minority pour buckets of water on girls dressed in their traditional clothing, in Mezoekoevesd, Hungary, during a rehearsal for a typical Hungarian Easter tradition.
Translation: The wet peasant dress contest is a centuries-old feature of Hungarian Spring Break

Iraq not speaking to Bush – Uncertain future after Bush forgets 5th anniversary

Baghdad is quiet but tense Thursday morning, one day after President Bush forgot his and Iraq’s fifth anniversary.

“He claimed he wanted to do something spontaneous and romantic, but give me a break,” said Iraq. “Showing up late with Cheney and McCain so they can watch spring training baseball isn’t spontaneous, it’s insensitive,” Iraq said.

“As for romantic, he obviously has no idea what romantic is.” Iraq is refusing to speak to Bush “until he shows he’s sorry for what he did.”

Last night Bush initially claimed he had merely tried to plan an informal celebration. “The only reason Cheney and McCain were there was to deliver the giant submarine sandwich,” Bush told Reuters. “I guess Iraq wanted me to do something more conventional.”

But this morning Bush admitted in a radio interview that he had let the anniversary slip his mind.

“I am so busted,” Bush told The Adam Carolla Show. Carolla convinced Bush to send Iraq flowers, and suggested a website offering discount bouquet shipments if the promotional code ADAM is used.

However, Iraq was not mollified. “We all know what’s going on here,” Iraq said. “What’s going on here is that he’d rather be with someone else. Pakistan and Syria have been texting me that they’ve seen Bush at the clubs with Afghanistan and Iran.”

“If he wants this relationship to work, Bush needs to stop getting preoccupied with other things, and get back to occupying me,” Iraq said.

Terrorism – no one thinks big of you

Terrorism – no one thinks big of youThe latest junior jihadis taking up the global call for action more closely resemble criminal gang members than religious fanatics.

They have been identified as a leaderless mishmash of young and bored terrorist wannabees with penis envy.

They might be enraged by the Iraq war but want their 25 virgins now, probably as a group gang bang, rather than risk Paradise being a myth.

One eminent expert has suggested rather than glorifying these limp, leaderless members with wanted posters and bounties we should be using more creative methods. One method suggested is a TV ad campaign with foxy young chicks wiggling a little finger at these third-wave wannabes.

There is some concern that this new wave of pointless terrorists might have been spawned in Australia, following the teachings of a mouth-foaming mullah who preached that: “If you leave fresh meat lying around it is certain to attract the local cats.” Australian jails are now home to many of these veteran gang rapists.

The best part is that we don’t have the death sentence, so they can’t even dream of the potential fresh meat in the after world though they might get a taste for the prison diet, they’ll have years to work on it.

The Iraq News

Fifth Anniversary Edition

Ten shy of four thousand members of the American military have lost their lives in Iraq. The first 3,990 of those did not have to die and the ten more that will soon die and bring this total to a mindblowing 4,000 do not have to die either. The ones that will likely die on the way to 5,000 and beyond do not have to die. The untolled masses of Iraqis that will be killed, do not need to be. All it would take to end this is a few words spoken into a telephone by George W. Bush. Just a few words. But, instead, the words we hear from him are “it was worth it“.

The democratic majority in Congress ruthlessly squandered the opportunity to defund the OCCUPATION, so now, Congress can only end it with the impeachment of Bush and Cheney. These things sound impossible. They are not. They can happen right now. Today. It’s a matter of will. Waiting another year is obviously a tragic mistake.

We continue to be told that a we just need to hold out for political reconciliation. It’s never going to happen. Never was that more obvious than yesterday at a national reconciliation convention in Iraq that was boycotted by some of the most important political players in the country.

Here’s the Iraq News:

R.I.P. Science Fiction

Just a word folks on Arthur C. Clarke who passed away yesterday at the age of 90.

Arthur C. ClarkeNow I know it’s hyperbole to talk about the ‘death of Science Fiction’ or the ‘end of an era’. There are many fine SciFi writers out there, but Clarke was the last of a generation that had a gift for remarkable story telling, and the man himself was one of the best.

The Songs of Distant EarthMy example? Well it’s not 2001 or Rendezvous With Rama. It’s The Songs of Distant Earth, a book written toward the end of Clarke’s career that surrounds humanity’s forced exodus from our planet. Without bending the laws of physics, a last set of generation ships leave earth heading for the systems where ships before them went to set up colonies. The description of Earth and the people left behind in the final years, days, and hours before the planet’s destruction is one of best in the genre. Clarke’s story of the refugees finding a lost colony on their way to their new home is suffused with guilt, regret, bitterness, determination, and hope…all the qualities that make for great writing, not just great science fiction writing.

I don’t read much science fiction anymore, but I wish that the genre still had the vitality that it seemed to have when giants like Clarke were in their prime.

The IRS will pay you to file your taxes

Have you heard of the economic stimulus package? I’m sure you have. President Bush in a moment of panic, *ahem* economic clarity declared that each American should get some financial help from the U.S. government. He pushed through a stimulus package that offers up to $600 per individual, $1,200 for married couples and an additional $300 for each child for qualifying Americans. Woo hoo, right?

Um, hold on there partner. The IRS has just announced in a USAToday.com article that your check won’t be in the mail until after you filed your Federal tax return. No return, no check. With April 15th fast approaching I’d advise all of you to plug in that Turbo Tax and get to work. You don’t want to miss that big May sale on plasma screens at Best Buy!