iNews Friday, 4/16/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Embattled Steele to Republicans: ‘I’ve Made Mistakes’
Translation: “The mistakes will be on April’s credit card statement”

Headline: Jon Voight blasts Obama
Translation: Father of Angelina Jolie’s brother thinks we want his opinion

Headline: GOP gov. candidate linked to Goldman
Translation: Steve Austin got government health care- would be 1st bionic governor

Headline: Big manure spill at dairy flows into Snohomish River
Translation: Different kind of pasture-ization

Headline: Gingrich to sign Contract From America
Translation: To be followed by initialing the Fine Print From Dick Armey
Translation (Turbo mode): “Sorry, they install that corruption at the factory”

Headline: RNC chairman- GOP wants to help black community
Translation: Correction- Steele meant black *oil* community

Headline: Ex-WaMu CEO defends bank’s actions before failure
Translation: Killinger defends ‘extreme adventure banking’ strategy

Headline: Afghans in secret jail ‘made to dance’ to use bathroom
Translation: Fox greenlights Footloose sequel

Headline: Arizona Poised to Pass Draconian Immigration Law
Translation: Palin urges crackdown on illegal Draconians

Headline (Tweet mode): What kind of Congressional District votes for Michelle Bachmann? Are they from Mars?
Translation: Obama says we’ve already been to Moon – sets goal of manned mission to Minnesota’s 6th Congressional District

Strict construction makes Supreme Court unnecessary, Bachmann says

Even as President Obama weighs potential nominees to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, a growing number of conservative lawmakers say the high court itself is unnecessary and ought to be abolished.

Among them is Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who today called the Supreme Court nothing more than an expensive bureaucracy.
“Strict construction means the Constitution doesn’t change from its original meaning, so we don’t need to maintain a court to interpret it,” asserted Bachmann, “especially expensive lawyer types and the bureaucracy that goes with them.”

“And make no mistake — they are bureaucrats. In fact the entire federal court system is unelected and inaccessible to everyone but other lawyers,” said Bachmann, a tax attorney.

The Minnesota lawmaker said her vision of a future without a federal judiciary would mean a chance to explore alternative forms of dispute resolution, such as found in the Second Amendment: “Americans don’t want the courts coming between them and their vengeance.”

Bachmann also doesn’t expect eliminating the Supreme Court will have much of an impact on the other two branches of government. “Congress and the White House function just fine, even though the Supreme Court for many years has had fewer than nine justices,” she elaborated.

“Under the original language of the Constitution as written by the framers, Clarence Thomas is only three-fifths of a justice, Ginsburg and Sotomayor are husbands’ property, and so was Sandra Day O’Connor,” Bachmann explained.

Bottled Watergate

Sarah Palin’s contract demands were found and published this week by dumpster diving students at Cal State Stanislaus.  What does our esteemed speaker need you wonder?  Does she want M&Ms sorted by color and with all the brown ones removed?  No…that’s too Van Halen for our former Alaskan governor.  What she won’t speak without is business or first class airfare, and bendy straws.  Yup, bendy straws.  If there aren’t two bottles of still water waiting for her at the podium she’ll wipe her notes off her hand and head home.  Crazy?  You betcha!

Ultraviolent Mexican drug cartel to close health insurance division

A ruthless and violent Mexican drug cartel has been driven out of the United States, a spokesman for the criminal organization said today.

In an exclusive phone interview with CNN, the spokesman, identifying himself only as “Caballero Uno,” announced the cartel known as La Organizacion has decided to cease operations of Meditrolex Insurance, a Connecticut company specializing in the individual health insurance market.

An estimated 2,500 Meditrolex bosses, underbosses, enforcers, and claims reviewers will lose their jobs.

Caballero Uno said the decision to shutter Meditrolex “is because of American socialism.”

“We decided to invest in America because we thought it was a good place to do business,” said Caballero Uno. “And we prospered. We lived the American dream, jacking up insurance rates 20, 30, even 39% in a year, then refusing to pay.”

“But now your Comrade Obama has ended free market capitalism. He is going to make us post our balance sheet online, and spend at least 85% on patient care instead of mistresses, yachts, firepower, and executive bonuses,” he said.

“Obamacare also interferes in the most fundamental nature of our business — telling us we can’t cut off people we think are bad risks. Well it’s just unacceptable, we’re pulling out and heading back to Mexico to focus on our core business,” Caballero Uno said.

Republicans seized on today’s news as proof the new national health overhaul is bad for the economy. “It’s a narco-jobs killer,” declared a visibly emotional Congressman John Boehner, the House minority leader.

Boehner said he plans to press La Organizacion to stay in the U.S., and intends to travel to Mexico for talks. “I hear they have excellent tanning there,” Boehner said.

Good citizen…arm thyself!

Though it’s pretty safe to say that the violence plaguing Mexico hasn’t spilled over the border quite yet, Texans are preparing themselves as if the second coming of Santa Anna is nigh.

In response to concerns recently raised at a Fort Hancock town meeting Arvin West, the sheriff of Hudspeth County, advised the local citizens to get a gun. He then followed up with a quintessentially Texan observation:

You farmers, I’m telling you right now, arm yourselves… As they say the old story is, it’s better to be tried by twelve than carried by six.

Echos of Judge Roy Bean (“The Law West of the Pecos”).

Chola wars

I’m new to Texas and Texas politics, but I have to admit I had no idea how dirty a campaign could get until I dropped down in this State. There is a local race here for State Representative between incumbent Norma Chavez and challenger Naomi Gonzalez. When I arrived in November they were both fielding attack ads accusing each other of impropriety. Naomi Gonzalez was using donor money to fund her college graduation party. Norma Chavez was skipping work and behaving like an absentee representative. By the time we’d returned from Ecuador the rhetoric was heating up. They started calling each other Republicans (seriously!), even though both are registered Democrats. When that didn’t get the desired response Norma Chavez accused Naomi Gonzalez of being a lesbian. I swear I am not making this up.   Gonzalez then produced a grandmother who refused to vote for Chavez because of the dirty campaign she’s running. Think that was the end, oh no, this is Texas. Chavez challenged Gonzalez to produce the grandmother claiming she didn’t exist.  These women grew up 3 miles apart.  They come from similar backgrounds and have similar platforms, but they are behaving like a couple of crazed cholas.  I think it’s time to start looking for a write in candidate.

Hate the Sinner

The Pope embodies moral truths that aren’t accepted, and the shortcomings and errors of priests are being used as weapons against the church… It’s not a bishop’s fault if one of his priests is stained by grave wrongdoing. And certainly the pontiff is not responsible.

— Angelo Sodano, dean of the College of Cardinals

There’s only one thing to say to such nonsense coming from the mouths of religious leaders who should really know better… WRONG-F*CKING-ANSWER!!!

Let’s get one thing absolutely clear, the Catholic Church is not a society. It is not a democracy. It is a theological order—a top-down, hierarchically structured dictatorship, where the man at the top has absolute authority over every single member of the clergy, from Cardinal Sodano to the lowest monk. And as such, his so-called “Holiness” has the power to judge, punish, and/or dismiss anyone who preys upon the church’s members. Is Benedict responsible for every instance of sexual abuse? No, but his authority over the clergy makes him absolutely responsible for every case where a pedophile priest could have been stopped…and wasn’t and every case where the church covered up the problem.

So… The more the Catholic hierarchy rallies around Benedict, the more we hear about how attacks on the pope are an orchestrated hate campaign against the church, the more we come to the realization that perhaps the Catholic Church deserves to be hated. If these hypocrites won’t take responsibility, they deserve to reap what they have sown.

Long lines mean Soviet-style shortages are here, Tea Party blogger says

President Obama is creating an economic disaster, a prominent Tea Party activist said today.

“Long lines for bread, clothing and toilet paper were common in the Soviet Union and now we’re seeing the same sort of thing here — long Apple Store lines means socialism has arrived,” movement leader Mike Vanderfrandle wrote in his well-known blog Americans Seeing Socialism Everywhere in Society (A.S.S.E.S.).

Interviewed by PC Üser Alles magazine, Vanderfrandle cited recent occurrences of long store lines in many parts of the country as evidence of shortages.

Vanderfrandle said he had a realization when he saw TV news coverage of customers waiting all night outside Apple Stores for the introduction of the company’s highly anticipated iPad tablet computer.

“I realized it had to have been caused by the Obama Administration’s tax and health care policies,” said Vanderfrandle, “a socialist, big-government fascist conspiracy against us in the Tea Party who only learned to type with two fingers.”

Explaining that he currently dictates his blog to a third grade student who can type, Vanderfrandle said a touchscreen computer would make A.S.S.E.S. and other right-wing bloggers more self-reliant. “An iPad just needs one finger to use, so obviously the Democrat Party has to prevent us from getting our hands on iPads,” he said.

Vanderfrandle doesn’t believe claims that lines at Apple Stores are long only because the iPad is so popular. “If it’s so popular why didn’t they simply make more of them in the first place? No, it can’t be a coincidence that this so-called shortage happened right after passage of Obamacare.”

And has Vanderfrandle ordered an iPad himself?

“Are you crazy? I’m on Social Security disability and Food Stamps, I can’t afford an iPad.”

In a closely related story, Vanderfrandle has blogged that all Tea Party bloggers should get iPads to replace their harder to use PCs. “Break Dell, Gateway, and HP! Break their Windows 7. Break them NOW. Reboot and break them again,” he wrote.

Hello Angels…

“Hi, Charlie!”  John Forysythe, a.k.a. Charles “Charlie” Townsend, that honey voiced speakerphone enigma from Charlie’s Angels went to his “heavenly reward” yesterday.  Forsythe who started his career as a bit player for Warners found fame and success in midlife as Charlie, the never seen boss of Kelly, Sabrina and Jill.  In later years he would stalk the small screen once again, this time as Blake Carrington scion of an oil family and romantic ne’er do well.  I was sad to hear of his passing.  It seems like the end of an era.  All I can think is somewhere Farah Fawcett is draped over a couch with Aaron Spelling sitting nearby at a desk saying, “Come in, come in John.  Have I got the job for you!”

iNews Friday, 4/2/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Pope Opens Holy Week Saying He Won’t Be Intimidated
Translation: Come on down to Easter Mass – No cover charge for boys

Headline: Bush team ‘arrogant group of Martians’
Translation: Bush-era Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator program canceled

Headline: ‘Christian warrior’ militia accused in plot to kill police
Translation: Downward, Christian Soldiers

Headline: Delaware, Tennessee Win ‘Race for the Top’ Education Funding
Translation: Children of 48 States Left Behind

Headline: Judge Invalidates Human Gene Patent
Translation: “Only Trump may buy and sell someone,” court rules

Headline: Stone Family Wedding Was Held in Full Military Garb
Translation: The bride wore camouflage

Headline: Chocolate Protects Against High Blood Pressure, Stroke
Translation: Big Pharma to buy Hershey, become Big Wonka

Headline: Abortion provider’s killer is sentenced to life in prison
Translation: Pro-life Roeder gets his wish