Tag Archives: Barack Obama

Obama failing to create Obama impersonator jobs

New jobs figures released by the Department of Labor show a continuing upward trend in unemployment. Here with an expert commentary is Marvin Canny.

Hello, I’m Marvin Canny. Every four years our great nation renews one of our most cherished traditions. I’m speaking of our quadrennial love affair with the presidential impressionist.

Here at the Marvin Canny Likeness Union of Parodists, Impressionists and Other Professional Mimicking Persons, our researchers are charting an unprecedented break from the historical pattern of job opportunities for our members following presidential election years.

Since the time of George Washington, when lookalike Adam Weishaupt rose to fame as a spokesman for wooden dentures, a new president has always meant an upswing in employment for actors who bear a vague resemblance to the commander in chief. Remember that guy who looked like Reagan, who was in all those ads for insurance, denture adhesive and Folger’s? He was one of ours.

Last year, we at the MCLU shared in the hope symbolized by the election of a new, vigorous young president with visual and aural distinctiveness. But the new unemployment statistics give little reason for continued hope by MCLU members.

Sure, there are some actors who are benefiting in the down economy. Greg Grunberg just had the off-Broadway premiere of his Alan Grayson one-man show, and Eddie Izzard has been playing Seattle mayoral candidate Joe Mallahan in public for the last six months.

But 2009 has seen the creation of just one job at the presidential level: the guy who played Barack Obama on Flight of the Conchords.

The situation calls for drastic action. In the 1980s the Justice Department ended the Rich Little monopoly, which paid off in huge growth in the Jim Morris, Phil Hartman and Dana Carvey sectors of the economy. We need a 21st century version of that again, today, and soon — before Fred Armisen can strike again.

Thank you, and remember to support the MCLU in your workplace.

White House cheese nearly stolen after Obama leaves country – “We told you so!” say GOP

GOP leaders on Capitol Hill claimed vindication on Friday upon news that the White House cheese was nearly stolen. The government announced that an intruder had gained access to the Cheese Room, but that the historic Jefferson Dairy Case had not been breached.

Republicans had predicted trouble if President Obama went to Copenhagen for 18 hours in an attempt to win the 2016 Olympic Games for the United States.

“I hate to say we told you so, but: we told you so,” said Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell, adding, “When the cat’s away.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner agreed: “Protecting the cheese should be at the top of our shopping list.”

“The American people deserve better than a president who tries to do more than one thing at a time. And anyway, it’s not like Americans ever do well in international athletic competitions,” Boehner said.

The senior Republicans had good reason to expect trouble: the chief suspect in Cheesegate is Rep. Tom Petri (R-Wisconsin), a member of the Wheys and Means Committee. Secret Service sources say White House staff found Petri in the Cheese Room, when he was meant to be attending a meeting on dairy price supports.

However, architecture experts say there was little threat to the cheese. “I know it may look like an ornate Federalist era drawing room you could break into with a butter knife, but the Cheese Room has security,” said Minnie Frandle, historic buildings researcher at the American Dairy Association and Dairy Council. The sophisticated system, installed during a $400 million security upgrade ordered in 2002 by former Vice President Dick Cheney, has sophisticated motion detectors, video surveillance, and temperature controls to keep cheese fresh.

President Obama can even monitor the cheese from Air Force One, which he was doing Friday on the ground in Denmark — while also teleconferencing with generals about Afghanistan, strategizing with aides about health care reform, helping his daughter Malia with homework, and balancing his checkbook. Obama saw an unauthorized person on his Cheese Room screen, and alerted staff back in Washington. “The president’s critics can relax: no one’s going to move the nation’s cheese,” Frandle said.

Obama speaks to half-empty Congress – Absent members had notes from parents

President Barack Obama addressed a half-empty joint session of Congress last night, further evidence of the polarization of the ongoing debate surrounding health reform.

The president used his speech to forcefully state his vision for reform, which included an end to rescission and preexisting conditions, and a limited public option. However, he laid the groundwork for constructive compromise with conservative critics by proposing torte reform pilot projects and revenue neutrality.

Obama also devoted significant portion of time to urging representatives and senators to work hard and stay in Congress, even though they might rather still be on their August recess. “Not every committee hearing you attend may be interesting. Every bill you work on may not seem relevant to your life. But the work you do here this year will help enact real health reform for the American people,” Obama said.

However, his words were largely unheard, with no-shows evident among the Republican and Blue Dog contingents. Many seats in the House chamber were empty, with parents of senators and representatives representing red and swing districts choosing to opt out of their children hearing the speech.

The concerns of Adele Cantor of Virginia reflected those of fellow parents. “The idea of him talking to my son just didn’t seem appropriate,” said Mrs. Cantor.

“I mean, I’m not a student of civics or anything, but I can’t remember a president ever speaking to Congress before. Political recruiting in Congress for legislation sounds like Communism,” she said.

Fred Baucus of Montana said he was fearful of the effect of the president’s words, since Congress is a captive audience. “Hussein Obama is trying to indoctrinate Congress, to subvert the role of lobbyists in making our laws,” he said.

In Ohio, Lois Boehner wanted to know why Obama is allowed to call all the joint sessions of Congress. “I voted for McCain-Palin, and I believe their policies should govern us. Why doesn’t McCain get to call 45% of the joint sessions?”

The principal leaders of Congressional Democrats and Republicans bowed to parental wishes and did not allow discussion following the president’s message. Majority Leader Harry Reid said the Senate is not the place for controversial topics. “Follow-up conversation may happen at home with parents,” Reid said.

In a related story, President Obama paused briefly during his speech in order to take away Rep. Joe Wilson’s (R-SC) Pokemon cards. “You’ll get them back in June. Now go to the Math Center,” the president told Wilson.

Obama health plan points the way – Now entire government could become co-ops

Only days after signaling it is willing to drop a public option from a health care reform package, the Obama administration is indicating that it is willing to end the public option for the entire federal government as well.

“If moving away from public options is how things are going to get through Congress, we’re going to look hard at it as a best practice,” President Obama said today at a town hall-style forum in Washington DC’s Capitol Hill neighborhood.

Capitol Hill was chosen for the event by administration strategists as a test of the president’s coattails. The area was strong for Obama in last November’s election, but has recently seen a large amount of gentrification resulting from reverse “white flight” from the K Street district.

Although a clearly well-heeled audience, many in attendance at the meeting exhibited the boisterousness that has materialized at many such forums held by senators and representatives during their August break. One man, Cent Konrad of Bismarck, North Dakota, shouted out several times until he got Obama’s attention.

“Since insurance corporations can’t compete against a public option, what about the rest of government — which is public by definition and therefore socialist? What other corporations are having their freedom restricted?” Konrad challenged Obama.

Obama moved quickly to reassure Konrad’s concerns. “Public options are not the entirety of government, any more than it is the entirety of health care reform,” Obama said. “This is just one sliver, one aspect of it.”

Following his remarks concerning best practice, Obama added that he is looking with increasing favor on applying the so-called “co-op” alternative to a wide range of government programs, to which another man, Bax Maucus of Helena, Montana, responded favorably.

“I really like co-ops because co-op means cooperating with private corporations. That’s what 45% of the American people voted for, and it’s what 40% of the Senate will allow,” said Maucus, who later identified himself to reporters as “just a concerned citizen.”

Obama told Maucus he would do all he can to press for co-op solutions. “During my four years as a senator, I learned from Harry Reid that majority opinion cannot determine American policy. So we’re not going to bow to the majority on health insurance, not on withdrawal from Iraq, not on the economy, and not on our foreign policy,” said the president.

Obama then personalized the issue by relating a recent experience he had with co-operating. “When I was going to get my girls a dog, we proposed a public pound option — a nice beagle, let’s say,” recalled the president.

“But Mitch McConnell called the public pound option socialistic, and he reminded Malia that a bureaucrat would stand between her and her choice of dog,” Obama said. “So we co-operated, and got a Portuguese water dog from a private source.”

“A co-op solution worked for Portuguese water dogs, so I think this proves co-ops deserve a chance to solve our health insurance crisis,” he said.

The co-op approach is seeing an uptick in the opinion polls for Obama. A telephone survey of residents of Pyongyang, North Korea, shows 100% support if the president were to convert the U.S. State Department into a co-op.

Bush comments on 100 Days report card – Transcript

Hello, this is former President George Dubya Bush. Please, hold your applause.

The start of a president’s admenstruation sets the tone for his entire term in office. So it’s impordant that the Commander in Chief, the Numero Uno, has a good report card for the first hunderd days.

That’s why when it was time for my report card on my first hunderd days as president, I used Liquid Paper®.

Now, a lot of you young people today may not be familiar with this miracle liquid, accustomary as you are to using computers and the internets.

Back when I was a boy in boarding school, we couldn’t cover up our mistakes by hitting the Delete key, clicking on the Trash, or hiring Geeks On Call to erase hard drives. No, we had real report cards, paper ones made from old growth timber. Our teachers would write down our grades by hand, or print them using an ancient device called a “typewriter.” Which is sorta like a PC without the TV screen.

Now, sometimes the teachers made, uh, typological errors, and we students had to correct them. A little dab of Liquid Paper® here (using the handy appligator brush), a dab there, some fancy “typewriter” work, and Mission Accomplished: an F becomes a Gentleman’s C.

Sometimes, depending on the boarding school, the report cards would be on colored paper. I think you call them paper of color nowdays. Anyhow, this was not a problem because the good people at Liquid Paper® make dif’rent colored Liquid Paper®s. Liquid Paper® of color. In other words, a rainbow of diversity.

When one president leaves office, by tradition he leaves a handwritten note for the next fella. I wrote such a note for President Barack Osama — naw, I can’t tell you what I told him, it’s supposed to be private.

But I will tell you this: I couldn’t have written it without Liquid Paper®. And what’s more, I left him the bottle.

Thank you, and may dog bless Merica.

England hosts G20 Swap Meet

The world wide financial collapse is likely to be near the top of the agenda tomorrow, when officials of the Group Of 20 largest national economies meet in London for their annual summit.

But more than in any prior year, the annual meeting’s swap meet pavilion is expected to offer G20 attendees a bonanza of low-priced cast-off institutions like banks, brokerages, automobile companies, and Iceland.

The event organizer, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, says financial responsibility is the conference’s overriding theme this year.

Brown - Wearing the hairpiece he bought at the G20 swap meet in 2006
Brown - Wearing the hairpiece he bought at the G20 swap meet in 2006

“In light of the imminent global depression, citizens of the G20 countries have had enough of overspending. Well no one will think that after they see these bargains!” Brown said.

It is well known that G20 swap meeters get choosy during tough times. Water supplies, petroleum reserves and international rights to reality television properties are likely to top G20 shopping lists. Free-trade pacts and treasury debt notes — staples in good economic times — are likely to receive nothing more than sympathetic glances.

While most of his peers will be bargain hunting, first-time G20 goer Barack Obama says he will be selling.

“I’ll be trying to interest the other nineteen in a number of things America doesn’t need anymore, such as deregulation, a private health insurance system, and the Republican Party.”

“Selling them at the G20 swap meet makes more sense than letting them gather dust in some Smithsonian Institution broom closet,” Obama said.

The president went on to say that the GOP might have some life left in it. “It’s a good weekend fixer-upper project, for the right overseas authoritarian dictator who has the time and money to put into it,” he said.

Priest Rains Fire and Brimstone on Obamaniacs

Jesus got on a roll in the New Testament and for several chapters he lays down some important directives. As a religious maverick, I will say that there are a maybe a few passages in there that I don’t agree with, but most of it is pretty good stuff.

I like this part in particular, though, admittedly, I find it a high standard that I personally can’t live up to:

Matthew 7

1Judge not, that ye be not judged.

2For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

3And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

4Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

5Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

My blog is just loaded with judgments. Luckily I’m an atheist, so it’s okay for me to judge. For a Priest to do it, well, that would be ill advised. And yet, in a letter posted on his church’s website, a Catholic priest by the name of Jay Scott Newman wrote, “Voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exists constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil and those Catholics who do so place themselves outside of the full communion of Christ’s Church and under the judgment of divine law.”

Really? What about voting for a war-mongoring crazy person who supports an illegal war with a million innocent victims? Where’s that one come in on the scale of material cooperation with intrinsic evil? How about that candidate’s desire to spread the carnage to Iran?

Oh, and here’s another one from the J-man that the Father from South Carolina may want to consider:

Matthew 22:20-22
20And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription?

21They say unto him, Caesar’s. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.

22When they had heard these words, they marvelled, and left him, and went their way.

Thankfully, not all Catholics share Newman’s views. The national director of a group called Catholic Democrats, Steve Krueger, said, “Father Newman is off-base. He is acting beyond the authority of a parish priest to say what he did.”

Anatomy of a Swiftboating–Has Obama Crossed the Bubba Threshold?

If John Kerry couldn’t get through the swiftboat blockade, what chance does Barack Obama have?

I think he’s going to smash right through that pathetic barricade, but perhaps there’s room for debate.

Smearing is an art form. There are guidelines to constructing a good smear. Simplicity is crucial. These people cast doubt on Kerry’s war record. The question handed to the voters by Bush’s campaign and the 527s was how can this windsurfing, liberal fairy be a war hero?

It’s stupid, but it worked because it was simple. At the Republican National Convention people put little purple heart band-aides on their faces and laughed it up.

Let’s look at another swiftboating. Bill Clinton faced a sustained nine years straight of swiftboating back when it was called smearing. The entire right wing threw several kitchen sinks and porch awnings at him. At different points he was a murderer and a “pussy” or a “fag”. He was a pacifist who wouldn’t stand up for America and then later he was a butcher of women and children all over Bosnia and the Sudan. There were too many strands and many of them contradicted each other leaving nothing but a lump of politically motivated hatred and the voters, more or less, saw it for what it was.

Andrew Sullivan shows how complicated and contradictory the various smears of Obama have become:

Is Obama a Muslim? Does it matter any more? We are in world of McTruthyism. In that world, Obama is an atheist, a Muslim, a black liberation theologian and a Marxist. Since the truth is irrelevant, they can all be true!

How deep we are into the realm of McTruthysim is a variable that I can not discern. I think we’re on the way out of the desert of the un-freaking-real, but cultural vertigo is difficult to shake and that desert is vast.

Still, I remain pretty well convinced that the Obama smears have already crossed what I call the Bubba Threshold of cognitive dissonance. The tipping point may have been the ABC debate. We’ll see.

Satire: The Borowitz Report: Democratic Race too Mean Says Swiftboat Veterans.