Tag Archives: george w bush

Bush stresses education, communication – “In other words, being an interlectural”

President Bush said last night that what he’ll miss most about being in the White House is the continual mental stimulation.

In an exclusive farewell interview on Fox News Channel’s “Craven Journalism,” Bush told interviewer Fawn Craven that the job of president brings daily opportunities to learn. “It’s the best job in the world for a C student,” said Bush.

“Being president is like an ejacation. It’s marvelous, every day I get to marvel at stuff I dinnint know the day before. In other words, ejacation. It’s impordant, because what a waste it is to lose one’s mind.”

Asked by Craven what stands out the most out of everything he has learned while in office, Bush replied that his favorite activity was his daily geography briefing. “Finding out about all the different countries and peoples of the world, that was very exciting to me. In other words, I found it being a good interlectural activity,” he said.

He said some of the geography information he remembers most includes facts, such as the United States is the largest country in the world, while the smallest is the Vatican, “which is only the size of a town, and is inside the capital of Italy. In other words, Romania,” Bush said.

Bush went on to say that he didn’t only become president to learn stuff, “a big part of the job is communicating what I learn to the American people. In other words, communication.”

Communication is the biggest part of leadership, “because if you don’t tell people things, they don’t know them,” he said.

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“For instance, at Area 51 we have extra-terrestrial equipment that would let us make endless supplies of food, and run automobiles on the farts. The American people don’t know this, because I forgot to tell them. In other words, there’s a lot of things for me to remember,” Bush said.

Craven observed Bush ended up remembering more than he forgot. How did he get that information out to the people? “I suppose the most effective tool for communicating with the people is words,” he replied.

“What I found works best is to explain things to people with a group of words, and then re-explain it a second time, using different words that mean the same thing,” the president said.

“In other words, cinnamons.”

Bush delays retirement – Obama nominates 43 to be Object Lesson

Anyone worried about what outgoing President George W. Bush will do after leaving office can relax today, with the announcement that President-elect Barack Obama has nominated Bush to the position of Object Lesson in the Obama Administration.

A new Cabinet-level position, Bush’s primary role as Object Lesson is to be on hand to serve as a reminder to members of the new administration of what not to do.

The job is ideally suited to Bush, said outgoing press secretary Dana Perino. She has been tabbed to be Object Lesson Chief of Staff.

“As Object Lesson, President Bush will hang around the White House. When it comes to Cabinet meetings, he’ll sit quietly to one side and listen, which is what he does now,” Perino explained.

“But when a decisionmaking situation arises, President Obama will turn to President Bush for advice, and do the opposite of that advice. It’s a necessary governing function,” Perino said.

“President Bush was the only person we considered for this job,” President-elect Obama said today.

“As far as anti-barometers go, his record is unerring as far as doing the opposite of the right thing, whether the issue is national security, disaster relief, or the economy. It’s almost scary,” Obama said.

Bush told reporters that he is eager to start his new position. “I’m really lookin’ forward to continuin’ to be of service to the country,” said Bush.

“Besides, my 401k took it in the shorts this year and I can’t really afford to retire.”

“Bestest ever” birthday for Bush – McCain gives President pony

(Toyako, Japan) The leaders of the Group of 8 industrialized countries helped President Bush celebrate his 62nd birthday yesterday, throwing the POTUS a spectacular birthday bash — bigger even than the party for Germany’s head of state in 1944, according to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Bush had arrived in Japan for what he thought would be a hard-working G-8 summit. On the agenda were important issues including aid to Africa and reducing carbon emissions. But when Bush entered the conference room in this resort town in northern Japan, he was met with a shower of confetti and balloons, and a buffet table featuring hot dogs, Fritos and, of course, Kool-Aid. The party was rumored to have cost the U.S. State Department as much as $0.000000025 billion at Costco.

Featured at the party were comedian Dennis Miller, the song stylings of Pat Boone, and the antics of the Grape Ape, the G-8’s official costumed mascot who is a favorite of children at exclusive boarding schools all over Switzerland and New England.

There was no birthday cake, because Bush said he’s dieting in order to fit into a new pair of mountain bike shorts.

Not in attendance was Bush’s heir apparent, Sen. John Sidney McCain III. McCain was taking the weekend off from campaigning, but the apparent GOP nominee for president sent a gift that Bush praised as “the bestest ever” — a pony.

Appropriately, the steed is no ordinary equine, but a veteran of the Iraq occupation. Named “T.J. Hoofer,” the brown Shetland served his first tour of duty in late 2003 as part of a support team searching for WMD, and later for improvised explosive devices.

T.J. Hoofer served two more tours before being severely wounded in March 2007, when an IED cost him three legs. However, he entered the rehabilitation program at the USDA’s Meat Animal Research Center, where he met McCain during a goodwill visit by the senator.

McCain saw to it that the pony received three high-technology replacement limbs manufactured by Airbus/EADS, a provision contained within the Air Force tanker contract.

Bush took T.J. Hoofer for a ride around the Toyako area Sunday evening, but it was a bittersweet excursion. On Wednesday T.J. Hoofer is scheduled to be redeployed to Afghanistan for his fourth tour of duty.

Bush in Romania – Plans to visit Coliseum, Vatican

President Bush arrived in Romania today for the NATO summit, continuing the important business of conducting foreign policy.

“It’s good to be in Rome,” Bush said.

“I’ve been looking forward to this trip my whole presidency,” said the clearly excited president. “We’re planning to do the tourist thing, be turisticos. Want to see the Vatican and St. Peter’s. Hope the Pope — hey that rhymes — hope John-Paul can fit us into his schedule.”

“I also want to see a soccer match at the Coliseum, and then take Laura for a romantic cruise on the Grand Canal,” the president said.

But Bush noted that serious diplomacy was the primary reason for the trip. “We’ve got more countries wanting to join NATO, and I don’t like it one bit,” he said, singling out Georgia’s application for membership.

“We can’t let our Peach State join NATO. As much as I would like the Confederacy to be a part of NATO, it makes it look like America is not fully behind my foreign policy, and I can’t not have America at my behind, fully,” said Bush.

Bush had a message for Georgia. “I have a message for the politicians in Atlanta: NATO is for foreign countries. That means countries that are foreign, which means they are foreigners. Meaning not domestic. They speak foreign languages, French, German, Russian, British,” Bush said.

In other news, the White House denied Bush was booed when he threw out the opening day first pitch at yesterday’s Washington Nationals game. “They were yelling ‘Buuuuuuush, Buuuuuuush’,” press secretary Dana Perino said.

World ends – Bush accidentally sets Doomsday Clock ahead 1 hour

The world suffered a setback early Sunday morning when President Bush inadvertently set the Doomsday Clock ahead one hour, the U.S. government reports. The clock now stands at 55 minutes after midnight, which most scientists say is not good.

Patricia “Patti” Robertson, a spokesperson for the Department of Armageddon Affairs, said Bush was in the process of setting the White House’s non-metaphysical clocks ahead one temporal hour for Daylight Savings Time, when he accidentally broke through the three key-activated security doors, 10-digit encrypted keypad, and retina scanner that protect access to the Doomsday Clock.

“The president deeply regrets the incident. His only intention was to be thorough, as he prides himself on attention to details,” Robertson said. She pointed out that not all scientists agree about Doomsday, with some saying it is either not happening or result of a natural process.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency quickly responded to this morning’s rise of a darkened sun the color of blood by distributing flashlights and batteries to relief centers.

White House press secretary Dana Perino said the president has asked the major TV networks and CBS for airtime this evening to reassure the nation about the end of the world. “He will ask Wall Street to be optimistic when it opens on Monday,” said Perino. She said Bush will also ask Congress to increase the recently approved economic stimulus rebates by an additional $25 per taxpayer.

In related news, the Center for Economic Incantations and Policy Research reported today that Americans’ daylight savings rate is at an all time low. The report said the average American family is carrying an average darkness debt of 23,000 hours of sleep.