Tag Archives: health insurance

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Foxx moves to preempt health reform terror

Saying America has more to fear from a government-managed health insurance option than terrorism, Congresswoman Virginia Foxx (R-NC) today introduced sweeping legislation that would place health care reform on a national terror watch list, among a host of security measures.

Foxx’s bill, nicknamed the USA PATIENT Act, has veteran Washington insiders buzzing due to its inclusion of funds for:

  • A Health Legislation Security Administration, a superagency with TSA-like powers. HLSA would screen everyone entering the Capitol, to prevent members of Congress from carrying in reform proposals.
  • Members of the Progressive Caucus, such as Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, would be on a special Public Option Watch List and required to take off their shoes when screened.
  • Coverage for Americans lacking insurance would be contracted to Black Cross, a new division of Xi, the international security firm formerly known as Blackwater. Black Cross claims adjusters would have immunity from prosecution, but would be paid on commission.
  • Makes interfering with a health insurance claims department a violation of FAA regulations. Violators would be violated and then detained in a shipping container without food or water.
  • Establishes a color-coded Public Option Terror Alert System. Black would denote Elevated risk of a Public Option, while High risk of a Public Option is indicated by Black. A Low risk of a Public Option is Black. It is the same color-coding sequence Foxx used a year ago to alert constituents to the election of Barack Obama.

Foxx also called on the White House to immediately launch attacks on Kucinich with unmanned drones.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (Connecticut For Lieberman-CT) said he is supportive of Foxx’s legislation. Noting the estimated cost of the PATIENT Act is $800 billion over ten years — $71 billion less than a Democratic plan if it includes a robust Public Option — Lieberman commented, “See? It IS better to do nothing.”

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Lieberman offers health reform plan – “Private option” would give Treasury to insurance companies

Sen. Joe Lieberman introduced his own health care reform proposal today, one relying on private insurance and cost-cutting. The measure is the Connecticut Indepublican’s first move since announcing his opposition to any Democratic bill containing a government-run public insurance option.

Lieberman calls his bill “the private option.”

Under Lieberman’s plan, the U.S. Treasury would be transferred to a consortium of the nation’s largest health insurance companies led by Wellpoint and United Health. Giving all the public’s money directly to health insurance companies would lower costs by cutting out the middleman, according to Lieberman.

“Insurance companies are currently saddled with the enormous cost of collecting thousands of metric tons of cash from our doctors offices, hospital rooms, ERs and piggy banks,” he explained.

“This is an expensive proposition.  Twenty cents of every health care dollar currently pays for picking up that dollar from wherever it is, and moving it to the joint insurance industry vault at the United Health Group in Minnetonka, Minnesota,” said Lieberman.

“The private option will end this practice.  By giving the entire U.S. Treasury to the insurance companies, you’re paying them when you pay your taxes. Now that’s what I call introducing efficiency into a system,” he said.

Lieberman’s proposal is already receiving positive comments from both sides of the aisle.  Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN) says there is much to like about the private option. “My wife is on the board of Wellpoint, and I can’t tell you the number of times she has thrown out her back from lifting bags of cash.  A private option means she wouldn’t have to risk her health like that anymore.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner echoed Bayh’s support. “The current system isn’t just expensive, it’s also wasteful. When they move the cash they don’t always have enough bags, and some of it inevitably falls out of the wheelbarrows. Ending that waste, it should be at the top of our list,” Boehner said.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Health care reform would cause kitten to die – Report

A new report is raising concerns about Democratic efforts to reform the national health care system, leading to renewed calls by Republicans to scrap the effort.

The report, commissioned by the insurance industry from accounting giant PricewaterhouseCoopers, found that competition from a public insurance option will cause a kitten to die.

“The kitten is in a sealed box, which is connected to a pressure vessel containing poison gas,” said Tim Birely, a vice president with the insurance company Guardian.

“The gas is controlled by an electronic valve, which is linked to a feed from CSPAN 2. If Congress passes a public option, it will trip the valve, and the kitten will die a horrible, painful, Democratic Obamacare death. We call on Americans to write their Congressmen and implore them not to kill the kitten,” Birely said.

Birely explained that imperiled kittens are a little known yet vital part of the health insurance industry: “We show ’em to the dogs, so when we deny their claims they don’t try to appeal.”

“The only people it doesn’t work on are lawyers, which is why we need the tort reform,” Birely said.

Oct. 20 Local Interest: Trek on over to the Seattle Mayor Candidate Statements!

Humor, Politics, Satire, Society

iNews Friday, 10/02/2009

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Sotomayor v. corporate personhood?
Translation: Palin – “I’ll nominate Cigna to the Supreme Court”

Headline: Train in Vain – U2 Fans Stranded for Hours After Concert
Translation: Hey, you got your U2 on my Clash

Headline: Khloe Kardashian wed Lamar Odom in a Sunday evening ceremony
Translation: Khloe Kardashian picks Odom in NBA lottery

Headline: William Safire dies at age 79
Translation: Safire has stroke after trying to read abbreviation-filled text message

Headline: Bachmann Refuses To Answer Question About Dead Census Worker
Translation: Bachmann concerned dead census worker will still be counted

Headline: Obama asserts power to detain suspects without trial
Translation: So detain Dick Cheney without trial already

Headline: Jon Gosselin Dropped from Jon & Kate Plus 8
Translation: Kate Plus 8 Plus Au Pair

Headline: Senate Panel Rejects Public Health Insurance Option
Translation: Blue Dogs mistakenly think they’ll make it past the primary

Headline: Public plan goes down in finance committee
Translation: Baucus, Conrad, other Blue Dogs go down on insurance lobby

Headline: Lights Shine Brighter on Lakers and Newlywed
Translation: Another Kardashian sex tape to hit stores next month

Headline: Baucus hopes to wrap health bill Thursday
Translation: Bill used to wrap fish for dinner

Headline: Inspectors Prepare to Visit Qom Facility
Translation: Really hot stuff in the gift shop

Headline: Letterman Admits Affairs With Staff Amid Extortion Scandal
Translation: Sen. Ensign to host new CBS talk show

Health, History, Humor, Politics, Satire

Zaidi regrets throwing shoes at Bush – “I should have just shouted ‘you lie'”

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush expressed regret today, soon after his release from prison after serving nine months of a three year sentence.

“I’m sorry,” Muntader al-Zaidi told a gathering of reporters at the al-Baghdadia television studio, and added, “that America had such a satanic warmongering leader for eight years.”

A reporter for al-Baghdadia who was covering the Dec. 14, 2008 press conference held by Bush and Iraq prime minister Nuri al-Maliki, Zaidi threw his shoes at Bush and shouted, “this is for the widows and orphans and all those killed in Iraq,” as an act of protest.

“While I was in prison I did a lot of thinking and learning to take my mind off the daily beatings, and what I realized was that shoe-throwing is not something you do in a free society,” said Zaidi.

Zaidi went on to say, “I should have just yelled the stuff about widows and orphans. And even that was too wordy, I should have just yelled ‘you lie!’ like that patriotic American congressman,” he said.

“I learned there is no penalty if you do that in a free society, absolutely none at all, zero, nada. And as we all know Iraq is totally free thanks to American intervention,” Zaidi said.

Zaidi appeared to be in good condition after his imprisonment, although he was missing a front tooth. However, he said he would be getting dental work done thanks to the single payer health system — created by the new Iraq constitution drafted by the Bush Administration in 2005.

Humor, Politics, Satire

9-12ers decry liberal media – Want fear, end to Michael Moore movie marathons

(Washington DC) Eight years after terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, an estimated 30,000 people marched on the capitol yesterday to remember the day after the attacks of September 11, 2001.

The marchers, who call themselves “9-12ers,” said they want to remind Americans of the confusion, fear and anger they felt the morning of September 12, 2001. Many said the confusion, fear and anger that served as the basis of Bush Administration policy should continue to determine national policy, and hoped President Barack Obama would receive their message.

“Hussein Obama hasn’t changed the color coded terror alert status, nor issued a single vague warning from the Vice President’s office. I think he has forgotten he is supposed to protect the Merican people,” said M.F. Nutt, who marched down Pennsylvania Avenue after driving nine hours from Westmost, North Carolina.

Accompanying him was his wife, Shirley A. Nutt. She said too many people are trying to move the country forward. “Where’s the September 12th fear? For most people I talk to, the sheer terror of that day isn’t sharp anymore,” said Mrs. Nutt.

“It’s like they want life to be normal, with all their talk about jobs and pubic options. Well, normal life is dangerous. What about attacks on our water supply? Pen guns? Radio controlled airplanes as bombs? Women taking bottles of breast milk onto airplanes?” she wondered.

“These are threats people need to stay afraid of, so we’ll stay alert,” she said, adding that she always serves caffeinated black tea at meetings of her Tea Party Patriots chapter.

Another North Carolinian marcher, Barnard “Barney” Fife of Mount Pilot, said the media is to blame for normalcy.

Fife, a police lieutenant and SWAT team commander for the Mount Pilot Metro Police, displayed a thick journal of notes he keeps when watching television news and visiting network and newspaper web sites. The results, he said, show that the media has an overwhelming liberal bias.

“Only Glenn Beck talks about the National Endowment of the Arts takeover of Merica headquartered at Rockefeller Center, but even he doesn’t mention the role of militant peace activists, the Illuminati, and the Shriners,” said Fife.

“All you see on TV now is hour after hour of Michael Moore movies, 24/7. I tell you, it needs to stop before we get hit again,” he said.

DINOs, Education, Government, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Obama speaks to half-empty Congress – Absent members had notes from parents

President Barack Obama addressed a half-empty joint session of Congress last night, further evidence of the polarization of the ongoing debate surrounding health reform.

The president used his speech to forcefully state his vision for reform, which included an end to rescission and preexisting conditions, and a limited public option. However, he laid the groundwork for constructive compromise with conservative critics by proposing torte reform pilot projects and revenue neutrality.

Obama also devoted significant portion of time to urging representatives and senators to work hard and stay in Congress, even though they might rather still be on their August recess. “Not every committee hearing you attend may be interesting. Every bill you work on may not seem relevant to your life. But the work you do here this year will help enact real health reform for the American people,” Obama said.

However, his words were largely unheard, with no-shows evident among the Republican and Blue Dog contingents. Many seats in the House chamber were empty, with parents of senators and representatives representing red and swing districts choosing to opt out of their children hearing the speech.

The concerns of Adele Cantor of Virginia reflected those of fellow parents. “The idea of him talking to my son just didn’t seem appropriate,” said Mrs. Cantor.

“I mean, I’m not a student of civics or anything, but I can’t remember a president ever speaking to Congress before. Political recruiting in Congress for legislation sounds like Communism,” she said.

Fred Baucus of Montana said he was fearful of the effect of the president’s words, since Congress is a captive audience. “Hussein Obama is trying to indoctrinate Congress, to subvert the role of lobbyists in making our laws,” he said.

In Ohio, Lois Boehner wanted to know why Obama is allowed to call all the joint sessions of Congress. “I voted for McCain-Palin, and I believe their policies should govern us. Why doesn’t McCain get to call 45% of the joint sessions?”

The principal leaders of Congressional Democrats and Republicans bowed to parental wishes and did not allow discussion following the president’s message. Majority Leader Harry Reid said the Senate is not the place for controversial topics. “Follow-up conversation may happen at home with parents,” Reid said.

In a related story, President Obama paused briefly during his speech in order to take away Rep. Joe Wilson’s (R-SC) Pokemon cards. “You’ll get them back in June. Now go to the Math Center,” the president told Wilson.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Fearful lawmakers cancel health forums – Pro-reform crowds armed with facts

Alarm about the intensity of debate has prompted more members of Congress to cancel planned town hall style meetings on health care reform. This time it is Republican members doing the canceling, citing concerns over attendance by potentially armed citizens.

“Last weekend a number of my colleagues reported their meetings being disrupted by polite people armed with facts,” said Rep. Heath Lackey, a Republican who represents the district that includes Westmost, North Carolina. He held a Saturday session there, but canceled a planned Sunday session after concluding attendance by people openly armed with facts posed a significant danger.

Lackey also said his office has been receiving a steady stream of spell-checked, unabusive letters and e-mails from non-anonymous people.

Forums held earlier in the lawmakers’ August recess were dominated by anti-reform citizens who shouted down representatives, senators and others in the audience. Some silently exercised their Second Amendment rights.

In contrast, the end of the recess has degenerated into articulate presentations by so-called ‘Reform-ers’ — supporters of reform and the public option. Almost all of them come to the meetings armed with facts and vocabularies. Conservative blogs and websites have posted photos of reform-ers using their inside voices and in possession of ammunition in large magazines, like the New Yorker and Harper’s.

The open display of intelligent expression worries many of Lackey’s constituents like M.F. Nutt of Westmost. He describes himself as “a birther and a deather, like most regular people around here.” Nutt attended Lackey’s Saturday forum, but left early when he saw people carrying facts and that there was a Hannah Montana marathon starting on the Disney Channel.

“It was like at any moment one of those smart people could have snapped and shot my belief system full of holes. I feel I was lucky to escape,” said Nutt.

“Those people are simply not crazy,” agreed Shirley A. Nutt, who watched the Hannah Montana marathon with her husband. “Reform-ers claim insurance companies will use ‘preexisting conditions’ to kill sick people. Reform-ers are just trying to scare people who have preexisting conditions,” she said.

“It is really sad, and sadder that they’re setting such a poor example for the children,” she added.

“Yeah, ‘Teach your children well,’ like that commie hippie group,” observed her husband.

“Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young,” his wife replied, also noting that Nash and Young were not even born in the United States.

Law enforcement officials say there is no restriction on carrying facts in public despite the alarm it can cause.

Sheriff Andrew Taylor of nearby Mayberry, North Carolina, assured the public there is no danger. “We got the same kind of 911 calls a couple of weeks ago, from people freaked out over reform-ers who were openly carrying video cameras,” Taylor said.

“I’ll tell you now what I told them then: folks need to just calm down and get educated on the issues. ‘Teach your children well,’ as the song goes,” said Taylor, who is facing a September recall election.

Also today: Beck claims Americorps will be Obama’s Starfleet

Wiseline Institute NeWs Service is now
ERITAS
Government, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Health debate a boon for kids TV – Nickelodeon to spend lobbyist millions on more blue dog episodes

The heavy lobbying of Congress on health insurance reform has led to an unexpected benefit to American pre-school age children.

So much is being spent by insurance lobbyists that, in addition to millions in donations to Blue Dog Democrats, millions were given by mistake to the Nickelodeon TV network.

“The memo lines on all the checks specified ‘for the blue dogs,’ so we decided to order three more seasons of Blues Clues,” said Cindi Cation, Nickelodeon director of non-Sponge Bob programming.

“The sponsor’s wish is our command,” Cation added.

Blues Clues, about a puzzle-solving dog named Blue, ran on Nickelodeon from 1996 to 2006 and won critical praise as well as high ratings. Early childhood educators and development experts praised the absence of singing dinosaurs, and pop-sociologist Malcolm Gladwell called Blues Clues “as ‘sticky’ as the FEC filings of Senator Max Baucus (D-Schering-Plough).”

The Cupboard Was Bare, Blue’s first-paw account of his time in Iraq as an International Atomic Energy Agency inspector, was the first mainstream media report to question the Bush administration’s justification for going to war.

Friday’s disclosure of the donation error sent a shockwave through the Washington DC lobbying community. One lobbyist said privately that the return of Blue is being feared as equivalent to an appointment of a special prosecutor.

Clay M. D’Niall, executive director of the insurance industry think tank Liberty Copayment Institute, admitted offering Blue’s Clues producers 50,000 shares of Cigna in exchange for Blue’s Thinking Chair, but was unsuccessful. “Dammit, that mutt could figure out our entire scam,” D’Niall said.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Conservatives have rally safety concerns – Alarmed at cam-toting liberals

Conservative protesters are feeling threatened by pro-health insurance reform liberals who are coming to congressional and presidential town hall meetings with holstered video cameras strapped to their hips. So says an organizer of the anti-health insurance protesters who march outside the public forums.

“It sends the wrong message in our society,” said former Texas Congressman Dick Armey, now Executive Director of the Pinkies Up Tea Party Coalition, which describes itself as “a patriotic front.”

Armey is speaking out after his members contacted him about pro-reform counter-protesters carrying cameras in the open. One man came to a rally in Raleigh, North Carolina, with a Sony HDR-CX520V slung over his shoulder. The incidents make Armey’s fellow conservatives nervous.

“Cameras are so small now they can be easily concealed under a coat or in a bag,” said Armey. “Suppose a conservative is shouting down the public option. Tensions rise. Heated words are exchanged. Next thing you know, a liberal pulls out a camera and: bang. A patriotic Republican gets splattered all over the blogosphere,” he said.

Shirley A. Nutt of Westmost, North Carolina, says she is worried at the potential of running into camera-wielding Democrats at rallies, forums, and other chances to disrupt public discourse. “Takin’ my picture is the kind of threat of violence we’ve come to expect from anti-gun, anti-death penalty, anti-war liberals,” she declared.

“Besides, it steals little bits of my soul,” Nutt added.

Law enforcement officials in North Carolina say there are no laws against openly carrying video cameras in public. “Or concealed ones, for that matter,” said Sheriff Andrew Taylor of Mayberry. Taylor went on to say: “What I’m seeing a lot are people carrying concealed intellects.”


Worries over safety
A recent victim of a camera-wielding assailant.