Tag Archives: republicans

The GOP’s fresh faces – Health reform makes plastic surgery “legitimate campaign expense”

The Republican Party has high hopes for its prospects in midterm congressional elections, and they are crediting health care reform.

For even though no GOP senators voted for the measure that passed 60-39 on Christmas eve, a little-noticed provision of the bill stands to put slates of fresh new Republican faces on ballots this fall. “Thanks to health care reform, plastic surgery is now a legitimate campaign expense,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California, chief deputy whip to minority leader John Boehner.

“America has the best privatized health care system in the world, and we are going to use that system to help us take back control of Congress,” said the Bakersfield Republican.

At McCarthy’s direction, Republican incumbents and recruits alike are being booked for appointments with the best Beverly Hills and Manhattan cosmetic surgeons.

“We will have the newest-looking, tautest candidates on the campaign trail this summer. Voters will be too busy looking at them to pay attention to what they’re saying,” he declared.

One of the first lawmakers McCarthy signed up for a makeover is Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota). “I think Michele will benefit from extensive work around the eyes, to soften her weird undead vibe,” McCarthy said.

Asked whether there wasn’t a danger Bachmann and others might no longer be recognizable to constituents, McCarthy said: “We’re counting on it.”


Bachmann
Her health plan covers dental sharpening, night vision.

Secret Service investigating party crashers – McConnell, Boehner not on guest list

The U.S. Secret Service is promising a thorough investigation today, following the embarrassing disclosure that a pair of uninvited publicity seekers succeeded in entering last Tuesday’s White House state dinner for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India.

Sen. Mitch McConnell and Rep. John Boehner, the leaders of the Republican minority in the Senate and House respectively, made it past White House security and mixed with politically relevant people.

Photographs posted on their Live Journal page — Boehner in black tie, and McConnell attired in a beautiful, red Indian style gown with gold trim — show the lawmakers chatting with other guests including the First Dog, Bo, and being served cocktails by Vice President Biden.

Security concerns were further raised by photos showing them in the receiving line, greeting the President, First Lady Michelle Obama and Prime Minister Singh. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said there was never any danger to the First Family or their guests. “All guests were screened at the front gate for metal objects and teabags,” said Gibbs.

“The only direct interaction was when John Boehner asked the President directions to the little boys’ room,” Gibbs said, adding
that McConnell and Boehner were not seated at dinner in the main tent. Rather, they had sandwiches at a card table, set up for them in the historic White House Rec Room.

The party crashers are drawing extra media scrutiny due to their being among the subjects of an upcoming reality TV program, CSPAN’s Unreal House Members and Senators of Washington DC. “Our camera crew followed them as they shopped and got dressed to go to the dinner — but we didn’t think they’d actually get in,” said Byron Sheep, CSPAN spokesman.

“We intended for this to be a comedy show about a couple of people who oppose everything the president stands for and want him to fail. Yet still want to be part of the pomp and circumstance, and whine about not being invited,” Sheep said.

GOP slams Obama on pardon – Annual Turkey-based post

The senior House Republican said today his party was right to oppose the Obama administration’s decision to bring accused terrorists to the U.S. for trial, shortly after the President issued a pardon for a member of the terror cell al-Tryptophan.

Tahm Turqi abu Wattle had been held at Camp Butterball since 2004, classified as a juicy and crispy enemy combatant. Civil liberties groups have claimed Camp Butterball detainess are subjected to interrogation methods — such as trussing, brine-boarding and being poked with instant-read thermometers — that amount to torture.

“We told you so,” House Minority Leader John Boehner said today on Michael Savage’s Savage Nation radio program. Republicans had earlier predicted terrorists could manipulate American courts or escape from custody.

“We told you we never should have brought the prisoner to American soil.  We told you he’d find a way to get released, and we were right,” Boehner said.

“A gibletist jihadist from Turkey has been loosed on the American homeland. We’ll be hit with gravy of mass waistlines, and President Obama will be to blame,” Boehner said.

Savage said the president doesn’t understand the threat. “A man with such low body fat and rippling six-pack can’t comprehend the carbohydrate threat of stuffing,” Savage said.

Senator Joe Lieberman (Connecticut for Lieberman Party-CT) took to the Senate floor to express his disgust for the pardon. “I predicted that bringing a seasoned terrorist to our soil would give him a stage for his beliefs, and he took advantage of it. He wants Islam to gobble up America! All he talked about was gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble!”

Lieberman went on to say that al-Tryptophan likely is plotting to lull Americans to sleep in front of the TV so they will miss the end of the Big Game.

(Annual Turkey-Based Post ©2009 Wiseline Institute NW & Center For The Secular Humorism)

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Cheney – Norway seeking long-range award launch capability

Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney gave the White House some free foreign policy advice today, warning of a grave new threat to non-peace.

In his first public comments since the Nobel Peace Prize attack of October 9, Cheney said he had informed President Obama that Norway constituted a clear and present danger to America.

“Norway has become the number one threat to the status quo of fear and the war mentality,” said Cheney.

“I warned everyone this would happen if they elected Obama,” he added.

Cheney said the northern European Islamic group al-Nobel has been behind many cases of peace recognition around the world. Now, he says, the 10/9 attack may be just the first in a new wave of peace.

“My secret intelligence source, Blue Ball, says the five-member al-Nobel cell in Oslo has taken control of the Norwegian government,” explained Cheney.

“Even now they are trying to develop a long-range award launch capability. At present, Peace Prize winners must journey to Oslo to accept the award. But a long-range system would let them deliver Peace Prizes anywhere in the homeland,” Cheney said.

A senior former Defense Department official who requested anonymity confirmed Cheney’s information. “Heavens to Betsy, the fact we can’t see any evidence of a long-range al-Nobel capability means it must employ stealth technology,” the source said.

For his part, Cheney is resolute in his desire to alert Americans to the growing Norwegian threat. “We have to attack them now, before we get Peace Prized again.”

GOP acts to stem closures of oriental carpet stores

The Neverending Sale
GOP wants ORAL

A wave of closures in the oriental carpet retail sector has provided a potent new issue for critics of President Barack Obama’s economic policies.

The stores, known as Oriental Carpet Dealers (OCD), offer Persian rugs, Oriental rugs, Kilims, and area carpets at unbelievable prices. They are a familiar sight in shopping districts across the United States.

Yet all is not well with the OCD, with Department of Commerce statistics showing more than 5,000 OCDs closed in the month of August. But now the OCD cause has been picked up by Republicans anxious to point out shortcomings in the president’s policies toward business.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) is leading the GOP charge over the plight of the carpet businesses. Leader of the newly formed Oriental Retail Assistance Legislation (ORAL) Group of House Republicans, Bachmann went on FOX News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor yesterday to describe what is happening in malls and on Main Streets across the country.

Bachmann told host Bill O’Reilly that she passed no less than a dozen Oriental Carpet Dealers on her drive to Capitol Hill that morning, “and all of them had huge banners proclaiming ‘Going Out Of Business – Huge Savings’,” said Bachmann.

“This portends an economic disaster. I want to find a great ORAL way to stop further losses of businesses, including ones owned by hard-working floor covering sellers who come from places such as Karastan and Belgian Congoleum,” Bachmann said.

The legislation would get $2 billion into the hands of American consumers, in the form of vouchers for 10% off when buying two or more carpets at already low, low prices. Vouchers would be distributed via Valpak mailings.

House Minority Leader John Boehner endorsed Bachmann’s plan. “What are Americans who want to shop for carpet that matches their drapes supposed to do? The number of OCD closures is clear evidence of an economic disaster caused by Democrat policies,” he said.

Added the visibly emotion Boehner: “We should be slashing prices, not commerce. This wholesale slaughter of retail must be stopped, it should be at the top of our list.”

If it passes the House, Bachmann’s bill would need to be woven into a Senate version, S. 69, written by Sen. John Ensign of Nevada. Ensign heads up another GOP panel working on the issue, the Senate-House Analysis Group (SHAG).

“The interest we see today in ORAL-SHAG legislation gives me hope the unraveling of the oriental rug business can be stopped,” Ensign told a packed press conference.

White House cheese nearly stolen after Obama leaves country – “We told you so!” say GOP

GOP leaders on Capitol Hill claimed vindication on Friday upon news that the White House cheese was nearly stolen. The government announced that an intruder had gained access to the Cheese Room, but that the historic Jefferson Dairy Case had not been breached.

Republicans had predicted trouble if President Obama went to Copenhagen for 18 hours in an attempt to win the 2016 Olympic Games for the United States.

“I hate to say we told you so, but: we told you so,” said Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell, adding, “When the cat’s away.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner agreed: “Protecting the cheese should be at the top of our shopping list.”

“The American people deserve better than a president who tries to do more than one thing at a time. And anyway, it’s not like Americans ever do well in international athletic competitions,” Boehner said.

The senior Republicans had good reason to expect trouble: the chief suspect in Cheesegate is Rep. Tom Petri (R-Wisconsin), a member of the Wheys and Means Committee. Secret Service sources say White House staff found Petri in the Cheese Room, when he was meant to be attending a meeting on dairy price supports.

However, architecture experts say there was little threat to the cheese. “I know it may look like an ornate Federalist era drawing room you could break into with a butter knife, but the Cheese Room has security,” said Minnie Frandle, historic buildings researcher at the American Dairy Association and Dairy Council. The sophisticated system, installed during a $400 million security upgrade ordered in 2002 by former Vice President Dick Cheney, has sophisticated motion detectors, video surveillance, and temperature controls to keep cheese fresh.

President Obama can even monitor the cheese from Air Force One, which he was doing Friday on the ground in Denmark — while also teleconferencing with generals about Afghanistan, strategizing with aides about health care reform, helping his daughter Malia with homework, and balancing his checkbook. Obama saw an unauthorized person on his Cheese Room screen, and alerted staff back in Washington. “The president’s critics can relax: no one’s going to move the nation’s cheese,” Frandle said.

9-12ers decry liberal media – Want fear, end to Michael Moore movie marathons

(Washington DC) Eight years after terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, an estimated 30,000 people marched on the capitol yesterday to remember the day after the attacks of September 11, 2001.

The marchers, who call themselves “9-12ers,” said they want to remind Americans of the confusion, fear and anger they felt the morning of September 12, 2001. Many said the confusion, fear and anger that served as the basis of Bush Administration policy should continue to determine national policy, and hoped President Barack Obama would receive their message.

“Hussein Obama hasn’t changed the color coded terror alert status, nor issued a single vague warning from the Vice President’s office. I think he has forgotten he is supposed to protect the Merican people,” said M.F. Nutt, who marched down Pennsylvania Avenue after driving nine hours from Westmost, North Carolina.

Accompanying him was his wife, Shirley A. Nutt. She said too many people are trying to move the country forward. “Where’s the September 12th fear? For most people I talk to, the sheer terror of that day isn’t sharp anymore,” said Mrs. Nutt.

“It’s like they want life to be normal, with all their talk about jobs and pubic options. Well, normal life is dangerous. What about attacks on our water supply? Pen guns? Radio controlled airplanes as bombs? Women taking bottles of breast milk onto airplanes?” she wondered.

“These are threats people need to stay afraid of, so we’ll stay alert,” she said, adding that she always serves caffeinated black tea at meetings of her Tea Party Patriots chapter.

Another North Carolinian marcher, Barnard “Barney” Fife of Mount Pilot, said the media is to blame for normalcy.

Fife, a police lieutenant and SWAT team commander for the Mount Pilot Metro Police, displayed a thick journal of notes he keeps when watching television news and visiting network and newspaper web sites. The results, he said, show that the media has an overwhelming liberal bias.

“Only Glenn Beck talks about the National Endowment of the Arts takeover of Merica headquartered at Rockefeller Center, but even he doesn’t mention the role of militant peace activists, the Illuminati, and the Shriners,” said Fife.

“All you see on TV now is hour after hour of Michael Moore movies, 24/7. I tell you, it needs to stop before we get hit again,” he said.

Obama speaks to half-empty Congress – Absent members had notes from parents

President Barack Obama addressed a half-empty joint session of Congress last night, further evidence of the polarization of the ongoing debate surrounding health reform.

The president used his speech to forcefully state his vision for reform, which included an end to rescission and preexisting conditions, and a limited public option. However, he laid the groundwork for constructive compromise with conservative critics by proposing torte reform pilot projects and revenue neutrality.

Obama also devoted significant portion of time to urging representatives and senators to work hard and stay in Congress, even though they might rather still be on their August recess. “Not every committee hearing you attend may be interesting. Every bill you work on may not seem relevant to your life. But the work you do here this year will help enact real health reform for the American people,” Obama said.

However, his words were largely unheard, with no-shows evident among the Republican and Blue Dog contingents. Many seats in the House chamber were empty, with parents of senators and representatives representing red and swing districts choosing to opt out of their children hearing the speech.

The concerns of Adele Cantor of Virginia reflected those of fellow parents. “The idea of him talking to my son just didn’t seem appropriate,” said Mrs. Cantor.

“I mean, I’m not a student of civics or anything, but I can’t remember a president ever speaking to Congress before. Political recruiting in Congress for legislation sounds like Communism,” she said.

Fred Baucus of Montana said he was fearful of the effect of the president’s words, since Congress is a captive audience. “Hussein Obama is trying to indoctrinate Congress, to subvert the role of lobbyists in making our laws,” he said.

In Ohio, Lois Boehner wanted to know why Obama is allowed to call all the joint sessions of Congress. “I voted for McCain-Palin, and I believe their policies should govern us. Why doesn’t McCain get to call 45% of the joint sessions?”

The principal leaders of Congressional Democrats and Republicans bowed to parental wishes and did not allow discussion following the president’s message. Majority Leader Harry Reid said the Senate is not the place for controversial topics. “Follow-up conversation may happen at home with parents,” Reid said.

In a related story, President Obama paused briefly during his speech in order to take away Rep. Joe Wilson’s (R-SC) Pokemon cards. “You’ll get them back in June. Now go to the Math Center,” the president told Wilson.

FDA recalls Republican Party – Contaminated by nuts

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered a nationwide recall on the Republican Party after tests revealed the party to be contaminated by nuts. The agency took the unprecedented step after the GOP refused to issue a voluntary recall.

Rep. Brian Baird (Connecticut for Lieberman Party-WA) became one of the high profile victims, when he was forced to hold a town hall meeting-style forum on health insurance reform via teleconference.

“I used to be fine with nuts, I opposed withdrawing from Iraq and everything,” said Baird.

“But last week I had to go to my spin doctor with tightness in my throat. Imagine my surprise when he told me it was an anaphylactic reaction to nutjob dust,” he said. The contamination was traced to contacts with the many deathers in his 3rd Congressional District in southwest Washington.

Baird pledged that he would seek to have mental health parity included in any health reform legislation in the House.

An FDA spokesman urged the public to always inspect their political parties for nuts. “Last week we had this one guy, ate a half-cooked bildernutburger and came down with Mad Larouche Disease,” said Rick X. Frandle. He recommended that anyone with known sensitivity to nuts and nutjobs should stop consuming Republican ideas, and return the party’s products unopened to the manufacturer.

Conservatives oppose forcible health – “Save our freedom to be sick”

(Upland, CA) Members of Congress from coast to coast are having their eyes opened this week, as they hear from constituents opposed to health care reform.

“We’re speaking out to save our freedom to be sick,” said Dee Fibrilasian, one of many self-described ‘sickers’ — people who believe illness is a right.

Fibrilasian and like-minded sickers turned out here in force Monday for a midday town hall meeting held by 54th District Representative Dino Frandle, a member of the House Democratic ‘blue dog’ coalition. They hooted, hollered and booed as Frandle expressed cautious support for reforms that would cover additional Americans while leaving intact the private insurance system.

“Forcibly insuring more people is the opposite of the direction we should be headed,” shouted one woman who declined to give her name because, she explained, she had called in sick to be able to attend the meeting.

“What will happen to our sick leave, if socialized Obamacare makes sure we are too healthy to use it?” she wondered. She went on to say she feared she might have to quit one of her three jobs, if cheaper insurance made it possible for employers to raise pay.

Fibrillasian said she agreed with statements former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made on her Facebook page, alleging reform would lead to government ‘death panels’ pruning high-cost senior citizens and the developmentally disabled from insurance pools. “What makes government think it can kill people better than the private sector?” Fibrilasian asked.

After the town hall meeting Rep. Frandle said he was impressed by the turnout and by the forceful way the sickers stated their opinions. “They were certainly loud,” he said as he departed for a luncheon, a reelection fundraiser with employees of Aetna and Pfizer.