Tag Archives: sarah palin

Palin signs with Fox Kids

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has signed a multi-year deal with the Fox Kids network, the New York Times reported today.

Palin will host “Sara The Explorer,” an animated public affairs program for children age 5 to 10, and Tea Party activists age 18 to 65. The fast-paced format will take viewers around the world, where the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate will show kids how the answer to pressing social and political issues is always ‘God and less government.’ Each episode will be 20 seconds long.

“It’s so wonderful to join the Fox family that is so fair and balanced, and thank them also for this chance too to educate our children about things such as the world is only 5,000 years old,” Palin said in a written statement.

Fox spokesman Jack Hoff said “Sara The Explorer” fills a long unmet need on television for conservative civics education for children. “Think of this as ‘Schoolhouse Rock’ without the liberal bias,” Hoff said.

Sarah Palin
“I can see Russia!”

Obama wins Funniest President Award – George W. Bush impression called “eerie”

President Obama has received another prestigious honor to add to his Nobel Peace Prize, the White House announced today.

“The President is thrilled at winning the Funniest President Award,” press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters this morning.

The Funniest President Award was started by the Order Of The Knights Of The Catskills (OKC). They have bestowed it on American commanders-in-chief and foreign heads of state since Herbert Hoover in 1929.

Grand Emcee Mortie Zilberstein said that Obama earned the Funniest President Award for his spot-on impression of former President George W. Bush. “It’s eerie how much Obama is like Bush,” said Zilberstein. He cited such Obama talents as copying Bush on the release of torture photos and opposition to the landmine ban treaty. “And now he’s going to do a troop surge. The resemblance is uncanny!”

Zilberstein further explained that Obama doesn’t have to closely copy Bush’s vocal inflections or mannerisms to be doing an impression. “You don’t have to try to be a doppelganger. Look at Fred Armisten,” he said.

Gibbs said that Obama had hoped he was in the running for the award, and even practiced new Bush material on his recent world tour. “But no one thought he had a chance at the top prize, not with Stephen Harper still in office,” Gibbs said.

In related news, Sarah Palin denied she dropped out early from a Thanksgiving Day charity run.  The former Alaska Governor had pledged to run in the 5K “Turkey Trot” while visiting relatives in Richland, Washington. Palin denied reports she left the race early to avoid fans who had gathered at the finish line. “I was doing a Rosie Ruiz impression,” Palin told the Tri-Cities Herald-Plutonium.

Palin book goes to #1 – “Remainders bin never this full, this fast”

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is a #1 author today, thanks to her memoir Going Rogue debuting today at the top of the remainders bin of the national retail bookstore chain Borders.

“The remainders bin has never been filled up this full, this fast before,” said  Marcia “Marci” Frandle,  assistant manager of the Borders in Montpelier, Vermont.

Frandle said customers who lined up to be first to buy Palin’s book from the remainders bin have been patient and orderly. “We’ve sold three copies today, give or take,” she said.

The impressive debut of Going Rogue presages robust retail sales this holiday season. “This could be the boost the White Elephant Party sector has been waiting for,” commented Jane C. Penney of the Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, Illinois 60609.

In a related story, Palin has had no official response so far to charges that Going Rogue contains numerous factual errors.

Palin critics including liberal watchdog group Media Matters for America cite among the growing list of inaccuracies:

• On p. 42, Palin writes that she and her blind sister Mary were raised by parents Charles and Caroline in a little Minnesota farmhouse;
• On p. 216, she denies she once shot a wolf from a helicopter in Reno just to watch him die;
• On pp. 293-5, she describes her more than 45 years of work in Calcutta ministering to the poor, orphans and lepers.
• Devotes all of chapter 11 to “the most formative period of my life,” relating how she was sent to prison by a military court for a crime she didn’t commit. Escaping from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground and wanted by the government, she survived for a time as a soldier of fortune.

However, Fox News Channel host Glenn Beck rose to Palin’s defense. On his Glenn Beck Program, the conservative pundit praised Palin “for the bravery she showed after a tragic skydiving accident ended her professional tennis career.”

“She could have given up, but instead she overcame her injuries to become the first bionic woman politician,” Beck said.

In a further related story, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) denied rumors she has been offered the leadership of a new conservative party with members drawn from the ranks of disaffected ultra-conservative Republicans.

“I would never support such a move, and it’s not going to be called the White Elephant Party,” Bachmann said.

Hoffman in deal for campaign memoir – Already finished with “Going Vague”

Unsuccessful New York Republican/Conservative Party congressional candidate Doug Hoffman signed a deal late Thursday to write a memoir of his campaign experience and rise to prominence. Observers say the book deal guarantees Hoffman will continue to be a visible figure in national Republican politics.

Hoffman turned in the manuscript for the book, “Going Vague,” this morning. It was co-written by former Texas congressman Dick Armey and will hit bookstores November 17.

“Going Vague” covers the final ten days in Hoffman’s campaign for the open congressional seat in New York’s 23rd District — what he had for breakfast, his reaction to a matinee screening of the Michael Jackson movie ‘This Is It,’ and what he had to do to win the endorsement of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Supporters are likely to savor Hoffman’s recollections of his masterful interview with the editorial board of the Watertown Daily Times, whom he succeeded in tricking into thinking he is a clueless hack with no knowledge of the issues.

In an advance preview of “Going Vague” for the New York Times Sunday Book Review, critic Janet Maslin calls the book “a fast-moving eighteen pages.”

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Ask An Ex-Governor: Oppose French-style medicine

by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist
by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist

Dear Ex-Governor,
I’m vaguely apprehensive of the public option. What should I know in order to spread irrational fear about it?
Congressman Rick Larsen, (D?-WA)

Dear Rick,
You’re right (hard right!) to be scared, because what Barack Hussein Obama and the Democrat Party are going to ram down our throats is socialized medicine, also, too, the growing of the size of government, such as Big Government, such as the kind of Big Socialist Governments in Canada and Europe where they have health care for all, which also, too, is where they speak French — I’ll tell ya we don’t want that kind of French or French Canadian style health care, as your doctor would talk to you only in French or Canadian, and Americans don’t want a translator standing between you and your doctor, at least until Aetna figures out how to make money off it.

Baked Alaskan By Todd Palin – Where’s MY apology?

It’s been a tough week for Family Palin. But we were finally able to put one in the win column now that Willow finally got her apology from Dave Letterman.

Baked Alaskan
I found out what happened when I got back yesterday from my annual baby whale hunting trip.

I didn’t even have a chance to unload the depth charge launcher from the back of the 4×4, when Sarah came running to tell me how that East Coast New York Jew elitist so-called comedian said he wanted Alex Rodriguez to impregnate my little Tater Chip (that’s what I call her).

As if we haven’t had enough hardship the past year. Not only do we have a Muslim as president instead of Solid John (that’s what I call him) and a special needs baby at home, but my oldest daughter is a new mom and a widow to boot (you might as well come out of hiding and face the music, Levi — or Dead Man, that’s what I call him).

And now Dave Letterman, biggest star of CBS, the Communist Broadcasting System, is joking about Tater Chip getting knocked up.

Well how dare he! The A-Rod part I don’t care about; I mean, an A-Rod grandkid would be so frickin’ cool. But doesn’t Dave believe young girls should wait at least until Bristol’s age?

Willow’s got an apology. Sarah’s got an apology. Where’s my apology? I’m only the father of the pregnant teenager in question. Don’t I hurt too?

In fact, if Dave wants to really do the right thing, he’d make an honest woman out of Willow himself.

Because otherwise, I’m going to come looking for you, Letterman! You ever duel, boy? Just you and me — crossbows at twenty paces.

It don’t matter if you’re already hitched. We have ways around that in Alaska. I know the governor.

Heck, while I’m at it, I’ve decided I want an apology from you too, Rodriguez. And an autographed bat and glove, and a luxury suite the next time Madonna does a concert in Seattle.

Because respect for family values is what Republicans are all about.

Alaska trade summit nearly fatal for Turkish officials – “Worst Thanksgiving ever,” Turks say

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is at the center of an international incident today, after an attempt to build relations with a foreign government went horribly wrong.

It began as a friendly trade summit in Wasilla between Palin and high officials from the Republic of Turkey. President Abdullah Gul and Foreign Minister Ali Babacan had spent the day touring businesses in Anchorage and the surrounding area, before proceeding to a turkey farm outside Wasilla for the signing of an Alaska-Turkey trade agreement.

There were smiles all around as Palin and Gul placed their signatures on the pact, intended to promote Alaska-Turkey trade in agricultural and manufactured products.

“This is a great day,” said President Gul.

“The people of Turkey are hungry for Alaska seafood, earmarks, snow machines, and surplus G’s,” Gul said.

Palin was effusive in her comments, saying that trade helps build peace. “I am so glad that our two states are buildin’ strong relations, and both being next to Russia also, it is good that we pull together, helpin’ each other when Putin’s head rears and looms,” Palin said.

But the good feelings vanished only minutes after the ceremony concluded.

Giving a lengthy interview to a TV reporter, Palin was unaware of what was unfolding behind her, in the background of the scene being recorded on video.

As Palin spoke casually about the success of the trade summit, behind her President Gul and Foreign Minister Babacan were being stuffed into turkey slaughtering fixtures.

Minutes dragged by as a farmhand struggled to get the two VIPs into the steel, funnel-shaped devices. Palin continued her interview, finally concluding by saying how much fun the trade summit had been.

It wasn’t until Palin left in her motorcade that the two Turkish leaders were able to communicate to farm representatives that they were in fact politicians and not turkeys.

The nation of Turkey quickly reacted with anger, suspending parliamentary ratification of the trade pact and demanding an investigation.

Palin’s office issued a statement calling the incident “no big deal.”

“Governor Palin has enormous amounts of foreign policy experience, and that experience tells her that this is not an international incident,” read the statement.

Turkey’s foreign ministry called this unacceptable. “This is the worst Thanksgiving, ever,” a ministry spokesman declared, and announced a retaliatory embargo against American canned cranberries.

Palin speaks with reporters as President Abdullah Gul (left)

and Foreign Minister Ali Babacan (leg) are stuffed into
slaughter fixtures.

(Annual Turkey-Based Post ©2008 Wiseline Institute NW)

Joe The Plumber gets a job – Will find leaks for Palin

The lightning rod of the final month of the 2008 presidential campaign has found employment — and it’s in plumbing.

Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher, last minute convert to the losing cause of Republican John Sidney McCain III, said today he will be relocating from Ohio to Alaska, where he has agreed to be the plumber for the unofficial Sarah Palin 2012 presidential exploratory committee.

In order to acquire the training he did not get as an unlicensed plumber in Ohio, Wurzelbacher has enrolled in the G. Gordon Liddy Institute of Plumbing.

Wurzelbacher says he is already halfway through the program, a ten-day course that includes a grant for tuition, with enough left over to purchase tools of the plumbing trade, such as rubber gloves, small electronics, walkie-talkies and duct tape. “Luckily I already have some of those things, so I have some pocket money,” says Wurzelbacher.

“I’ll be traveling a lot after graduation, visiting all the Palin 2012 offices that are going to be set up, and other places, looking for leaks,” he said.

His first job will be to find the source of ‘scurrilous rumors’ about Governor Palin’s ‘wardrobe’, ‘expenses’ and ‘intellectual ability’. “Those terms haven’t been covered in class yet. They must be pipe-jockey slang for fixtures, gaskets and stuff not in the plumbing textbook,” Wurzelbacher said.

Palin enhances qualifications – Shoots Harry Whittington in hunting accident

Governor Sarah Palin, eager to add additional weight to her claim to be qualified to hold America’s second highest office, accidentally wounded attorney Harry Whittington on purpose last Saturday.  The McCain-Palin campaign said the mishap occurred as the two participated in a moose hunt near Fairbanks.

It was the second time Whittington has been shot by a vice president or candidate for the office.

“This unfortunate event nonetheless shows how Governor Palin is just as qualified as Vice President Cheney, arguably the most powerful occupant of the office the country has ever seen,” said Al Cohall, weapons safety officer for the McCain-Palin campaign.

Palin consciously based Saturday’s hunt on Cheney’s storied hunting parties, said Cohall. She drank beer during lunch, waited until an hour after the accident before contacting authorities, and then put off being interviewed by those authorities until the next day. Whittington was even airlifted to Christus Spohn Hospital Corpus Christi-Memorial, where he was taken after being shot by Cheney in 2006.

An initial report by the Alaska Department of Fish and Game stated that the incident occurred when Palin was turning to track a moose with her weapon. Whittington, who was modeling a moose costume he planned to wear on Halloween for another hunter, was ahead of Palin and out of the hunting line. Palin mistook Whittington for a real moose, raised her rifle and fired, hitting Whittington.

“I thought it was a Mooslim,” Palin told DFG officers, according to the report.

Erik Wilson, a Christus Spohn media relations officer, said Whittington is in critical but improving condition.

“He has taken out a restraining order directing that any vice president or vice presidential candidate of any country must stay at least 500 feet away from him,” Wilson said.

The McCain-Palin campaign has refused Whittington’s request to reimburse him for the damage deposit on the moose costume.

Palin disavows Muthee – “I am tolerant of witches and heathens,” she says

Conceding that it takes all kinds to make a world, Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin today sought to distance herself from controversial witch-hunting pastor Thomas Muthee.

Muthee is best known for a successful faith-based block watch program he started in 1989 in his native Kenya. A community development best practice, Muthee’s program is based on running out of town any witches who cause crime and traffic accidents.

Muthee was invited to bring the program to Wasilla, Alaska, in 2005 by then-mayor Palin. In short order a coven of Unitarians was uncovered, leading to a 34% reduction in traffic accidents. The preacher also looked into rumors of hollow trees said by locals to function as havens for elfin bakers.

Reading from a prepared statement, Palin said: “While I believe in Pastor Muthee and am grateful for the way he prayed to the lord to make a way for me in finances and also my campaign for governor of Alaska, I can no longer accept his support because it scares the undecideds, also I have to say I am tolerant of witches and heathens and their Satan-influenced lifestyle choices.”

“Some of my best friends are witches, also, I really enjoyed that old Bewitched show and her first husband Darren, I didn’t much care for the second Darren, also my kids Piper and Bristol, also Willow, enjoy those Harry Potter books also,” Palin said.

Perhaps the most startling revelation by Palin was that she herself “experimented with witchcraftianism” at two of the six colleges she attended.

“But after the first 26 times I was with other witches I decided it wasn’t fer me, oh no,” Palin said, winking.

“Also as vice president, if I am so privileged to serve, I will improve automobile safety also by starting a national awareness campaign, and use witch hunts only in certain limited cases,” she said.