Category Archives: Media

iNews Friday, 2/12/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Edwards’ mistress seeks return of alleged sex tape
Translation: Edwards fined $1 rewind charge

Headline: Tea Party supporters grapple for a vision
Translation: Myopia, tunnel vision make it hard to focus

Headline:

Translation: How a teabagger texts
Headline: ‘Mein Kampf’ to see its first post-WWII publication in Germany
Translation: Under new title–
+

Headline: US rejects EU diplomacy over Iran N program
Translation: Lieberman and Kerry, sittin’ in a tree

Headline: John Mayer Says “My dick is a white supremicist”
Translation: Mayer’s dick to perform at next Tea Party convention

Headline: Rahm Emanuel “apologizes” to Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live
Translation: SNL enters its Regulatory Capture phase

Headline: Nigeria’s New Acting President Calls for Unity
Translation: And your kind help in releasing funds from a bank account

Headline: Obama’s rocky relationship with the Republicans
Translation: Note to POTUS- do NOT forget Valentine’s Day

Headline: Comcast to become XFinity‎
Translation: Cable bills continue climb toward infinity

Headline: Senators Advance Bipartisan Jobs Bill
Translation: McConnell opposes jobs for Democrats

Headline: Designer Alexander McQueen found dead
Translation: Kate Moss – “but I have nothing to wear to Haiti benefit”

Headline: China urges U.S. to cancel Obama-Dalai Lama meeting
Translation: “…or your account will be sent to collection”

Headline: Mandela makes appearance
Translation
: 6 more weeks of Jacob Zuma administration

Headline: Senators Strike Bipartisan Deal on Job Creation
Translation: Expected to pass on party line vote

iNews Friday, 1/15/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Steele- Reid should step down from leadership role for ‘Negro’ remark
Translation: “Let GOP handle the Negro remarks”

Headline: Sarah Palin takes Fox News commentator job
Translation: In anticipation Bill O’Reilly places large falafel order

Headline: Scalia sides with sex offenders against federal law
Translation: Thomas prefers Jenna Jameson to Sasha Grey

Headline: White House nears deal on health care
Translation: Don’t. Get. The undercoating

Headline: Pat Robertson says Satanic pact caused Haiti quake
Translation: Robertson also says small gnome stole his carkeys

Headline: State weighs giving up control over tuition hikes
Translation: Colleges could adopt Comcast billing model

Headline: Rightwingers fail to dent US donation surge
Translation: GOP introduces resolution to rename Haiti ‘Katrina’

Headline: ‘Pants on the ground!’
Translation: Belt industry launches awareness campaign

 

Robertson, Limbaugh sweep Demons Choice Awards

(Westmost, NC) Conservative media personalities were the big winners at yesterday’s Demons Choice Awards, the evil industry’s annual gala held at the Dukes of Hazzard Theater in downtown Westmost.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh won three awards and television evangelist and Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson took home four of the coveted Demons Choice statuettes, the depleted uranium winged lizard with fangs stained with real human blood.

Limbaugh’s politicization of Haiti disaster relief brought him victories in the categories of Satan’s Favorite Handmaiden, Most Likely To Share Hitler’s Dorm Room In Hell, and “The Severed Ear” — which goes to the past year’s highest-rated radio program in Hades.

While Limbaugh won because of his Haiti work, it was Robertson who took repugnance to the next level by falsely blaming God for the Haiti earthquake and deaths of thousands. The Virginia Beach, VA, televangelist won Favorite Hound Of Hell, Most Admired Incubus, and the ceremony’s most coveted award, Spiked Phallus of The Year.

Robertson was also given a fourth honor, the Rev. Jim Jones Lifetime Achievement Award.

Backstage after the ceremony, Robertson flashed a fanged smile for photographers while cradling his radioactive statuettes. However, Robertson’s image failed to register in any of the photos.

The questions still need asking

Before I head off back to the splendid isolation of my rural retreat, which lacks power and other amenities like internet, a quick reflection on issues arising in the past week or so. Well perhaps this can be summarized with headline and sub-head which caught my attention: Who else but Fox News would have Sarah Palin? Palin fits in totally at Fox – standing up for ignorance and stupidity.

The late Sir Keith Murdoch was widely regarded as a ‘scholar and a gentleman’ in Australia. An unofficial sobriquet to be sure, but the highest accolade one Aussie can give to another. Sure he ended up owning newspapers, the springboard for the loathsome Rupert, but Keith cared about journalism and about those in the industry. He helped establish the AJA, the journos union here.

Now second question here is: How did Rupert catapult a minor region media property into a global enterprise? Oh, and a third: Why did Rupert start talking about charging online access fees after the demise of his political benefactors?

Rupert accepted his inheritance with great pleasure and sought to make his name immediately with the launch of ‘The Australian’ newspaper. Rupert soon joined forces with transport magnate, Peter Abeles; allegedly shipping illicit drugs around the word. Possibly complicit in this was Bush Sen., Cheney and that toad Richard Armitage.

Back to media; Rupert quickly found a home in the USA, dumping his Australian passport for a more profitable one. As a compliant minion of the American political establishment Rupert had it made, so long as they lasted and he followed order. Presumably embracing (a horrid thought) Palin Rupert sees the potential to stay in the loop.

The point is, Murdoch is not committed to journalism, rather he is committed to his on vision of power. Now we have some national leaders with IQs bigger than their shoe sizes one would hope that is a false hope for Rupe. On the other hand, IQ is no real indicator of potential. It is up to the people to keep badgering and asking.

Palin makes Fox debut

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made her first regular appearance as a member of the Fox News team last night, in a performance being widely praised for her ability to point while making eye contact with the camera.

The 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee delivered the network’s 8 pm national weather forecast, showing off her new American Meteorogical Society certification.

Palin said the eastern U.S. establishment should expect continued cold temperatures, “because with a wave of his hand the Almighty is gonna freeze all you elitists in carbonite.”

“Sodomites in San Francisco will experience locusts, fire and brimstone,” she continued. “While in the red states, expect flight delays in the event of Rapture what with all the people flyin’ up to meet Jesus.”

“There’ll be a lot of rain in Seattle, which you could see if it wasn’t covered by all these white swirly things,” said Palin.

“Seattle’s red on this map — not because it’s a red state, but because they’re socialists,” she said.

Palin supporters no doubt had their fingers crossed as their hero concluded her inaugural broadcast with a forecast for the Far East. She rewarded their faith by correctly describing the difference between North and South Korea. “North Korea is the one above the dotted line,” she said.

Palin signs with Fox Kids

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has signed a multi-year deal with the Fox Kids network, the New York Times reported today.

Palin will host “Sara The Explorer,” an animated public affairs program for children age 5 to 10, and Tea Party activists age 18 to 65. The fast-paced format will take viewers around the world, where the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate will show kids how the answer to pressing social and political issues is always ‘God and less government.’ Each episode will be 20 seconds long.

“It’s so wonderful to join the Fox family that is so fair and balanced, and thank them also for this chance too to educate our children about things such as the world is only 5,000 years old,” Palin said in a written statement.

Fox spokesman Jack Hoff said “Sara The Explorer” fills a long unmet need on television for conservative civics education for children. “Think of this as ‘Schoolhouse Rock’ without the liberal bias,” Hoff said.


Sarah Palin
“I can see Russia!”

iNews Friday, 1/8/2010

A sampling of recent output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Pacquiao Says He Plans to Sue for Defamation
Translation: Also suing for mispronunciation

Headline: Nestle rebuked by the FDA for misleading labeling
Translation: Must now be pronounced ‘nessel’

Headline: Tiger Woods gets the Annie Leibovitz treatment for Vanity Fair
Translation: Woods repossessed by Liebovitz’s creditors

Headline: Quist – Beating Dems Bigger Than Fighting Terrorists
Translation: Quist delivers 3 hour speech in German

Headline: Accused Holocaust shooter Von Brunn dies in prison hospital
Translation: Never realized dream of dying in Spandau

Headline: Dodd, Dorgan will not seek reelection
Translation: Wrong Connecticut, North Dakota senators retire

Headline: EPA tightens smog standards
Translation: Limbaugh may only eat refried beans Tuesdays, Thursdays and alternate Saturdays

Headline: The Nexus One’s Seduction Secret
Translation: Best. Vibrate. Setting. Ever.
Translation (Turbo mode): Huge growth projected in cellphone sanitizer jobs

Headline: NJ Senate defeats gay marriage bill
Translation: Vote was 14 Aayy, 20 Fuggedaboutit

New magazine jolts publishing world – TSA body scans to appear in “Public Screenings”

The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.

“Public Screenings” will carry images of airline passengers taken by Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning machines.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM and Fox News.

However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public’s insatiable interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.


Gibbs
Press secretary featured in spread in premiere issue

Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of life — including the rich and famous. “The sales of issues containing Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming military occupation of Yemen,” Gibbs said, adding: “Whoopsie.”

OMB projections see newsstand sales erasing the national debt by June.

However, the private sector publishing world denounced “Public Screenings” as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a federally-published magazine socialistic.

“Americans don’t want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi, we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world,” said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes (B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.

“This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs will be living under those bushes,” Lechér said.

Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic entrepreneurs. “Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those TSA body scanners — provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive order,” said Lechér.

“Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections,” he added.

In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian. “I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft,” Hume told Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

Brit Hume wins major award – Proselytizer Of The Year at Saddleback Church

Former Fox News anchor Brit Hume on Sunday urged prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to win forgiveness by turning to Christianity, netting the veteran journalist 12 million points and the overall victory in Saddleback Church’s Proselytizer Of The Year Salvation Challenge.

On Fox News Sunday, Hume told Woods he could gain redemption by rejecting Buddhism and accepting Christ, and also take 5 strokes off his game.

The win earns Hume a pair of reserved orchestra-level seats at Saddleback with flattering key lighting for one-year, as well as a parking space, an I Slurred a Major World Religion and All I Got Was This Lousy Baptismal Robe baptismal robe, and free coffee refills at the church samovar.

“Yeah! Jesus kicks Buddha’s ass!” Hume exulted when told of his victory.

Hume did it with a strategy that relied on quantity over quality, says veteran airport proselytizer Krishna Tim.

“The content of the witnessing was pretty standard, focusing on Christianity’s value in athletic contests,” said Tim.

“What carried Hume to victory was that his message was seen not only by Woods, but also by the 3 million people watching on TV and another 9 million who watched the video later at MediaMatters.org,” Tim said. The resulting 12 million proselytizing points led to a wide margin of victory over the other competitors from the Saddleback Sunday School program.

Reaction of Buddhists was predictably compassionate and understanding. But in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama begged to differ with Hume’s views.

“The practice of meditation offers greatly superior mental preparation for golfers,” said media relations officer Sogyal Nicklaus, who cited as proof the victory of Michael O’Keefe over Ted Knight in the film Caddyshack.

Obscure company dumps Tiger Woods

Accenture has severed ties with golfer Tiger Woods, following a deluge of negative publicity surrounding Woods’ conducting extramarital affairs with over a dozen women.

“After several years of the endorsement deal, we’ve decided to end the relationship,” said Accenture spokesman Art Andersen.

However, Accenture’s reason is not because of Woods’ admission of infidelity. In a recent poll, 1,200 persons contacted thought Accenture is a meat tenderizing liquid.

“The average person has no idea what Accenture is or what we do,” said Andersen.

“You’d think for all the money we’ve been paying Woods, that today Accenture would have the same name recognition as Rachel Uchitel. I mean, who do I have to sleep with to get that kind of notoriety?” he wondered.

In other news, Connecticut has severed ties with Senator Joe Lieberman, following a deluge of negative publicity surrounding Lieberman’s extramarital affairs with over a dozen insurance companies.