Category Archives: Government

Grayson is at it again

The democratic representative from Florida came out with a doozy this week.  He’s frustrated, and rightly so, that nothing coming out of the House is being taken up by the Senate.  Here’s his quote direct from TheHill.com (and paraphrased a bit by moi):

It doesn’t make a difference if the Republicans in the Senate are blocking everything they can.  At this point, if you put a cure for cancer up in the Senate, it would get filibusters

Sad but true Congressman, sad but true.

PotUS goes swimming, photogs banned

President Obama announced that he will be swimming on Florida’s Gulf Coast this weekend.  He won’t take press though because ostensibly he was photographed shirtless in the past and wound up on the cover of several magazines.  Now I have to say if I never see another president in his bathing suit that would be just fine with me.  However, I think he’s being disingenuous on this one.  He banned the paparazzi not because of shyness, but to avoid having someone photograph him floating amongst the tar balls.  What do you think?

Where’s the beef?

It’s been recalled.  Again.  Yup, 1 million pounds of prime grade A hamburger is going back to Valley Meat Co. of Modesto.  You see it may have given people E. coli, again.  Now I’ve watched Fast Food Nation and Food, Inc. and I find myself wondering if this means the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture is finally doing their job or not doing their job.  How does this stuff get out into the public in such phenomenal amounts?  1 million pounds of beef, that’s crazy.  We’re talking about recalls of meat in Arizona, Texas, Oregon, California and internationally.  It’s insane.  Valley Meats Co. said that customers:

…should discard possibly affected meat or return it to stores for a refund.

Um in this economy guys, I think they’re coming for that refund.  No burgers on the grill this Summer I guess.  And now I’m craving one.  Damn it!

N. Korea not joining Arizona boycott – “my kind of xenophobes”

(Phoenix) San Francisco, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, and Seattle are among the growing number of cities adopting a boycott of the state of Arizona over that state’s new draconian immigration law. But one government is bucking the trend: North Korea.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer announced today she had received a letter of support from the reclusive Asian nation. “Arizonans can rest assured that their state is not alone in the world, we have friends standing with us,” Brewer told reporters at the Executive Office Building this morning.

A copy of the letter was released by the North Korea Honorary Consul and Espresso in Phoenix. In it, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il denounces the boycott as “a tool of those promoting open borders,” and praises Brewer and the citizens of Arizona. “Any people who take action to keep out the alien hoards are my kind of xenophobes,” Kim wrote.

Kim also includes an offer of economic and technology aid — linkages Brewer says she is keen to develop.

“It turns out that the very Californians who are boycotting us control power plants right here in the Grand Canyon state,” said Brewer, “and Hoover Dam is half in Arizona, but was built by and still owned by the U.S. government.”

“I’ve recently learned that those constitute an imperialist presence in Arizona. If we purchase nuclear power technology from North Korea we can build our own nuclear power plants, and end once and for all our dependence on big government hydroelectricity,” Brewer said.

The governor also said she plans to seek an in-kind payment arrangement with North Korea, so that any nuclear technology acquisition does not worsen the state’s budget situation. “For example, Supreme Leader Kim has let us know that his country is experiencing a serious tequila shortage,” she said.

Pharaoh enacts tough new immigration law

May 17, 2193 BCE

(Memphis) Pharaoh Nefer reluctantly enacted a strict new immigration law last night, a response to a wave of popular sentiment opposing the presence in Egypt of the children of Israel — also known as Hebrews, or simply Jews.

The Egypt For Egyptians Act requires royal constables to question any person if there is reasonable suspicion they are Hebrew. The new law directs that anyone found to be Hebrew is to be deported, in a mass operation code-named Exodus.

The new law is an effort to quell virulent anti-Hebrew sentiment sweeping the Valley of the Sun God, instigated by Jan Brewertiti, the conservative Lower Kingdom Vizier, who blames the children of Israel for a host of problems including unemployment, chariot accidents and obscene hieroglyphics.

The immigration controversy is the latest in a series of political setbacks for the Nefer administration, chief among which are the series of plagues. The tenth and latest plague afflicted firstborn male children. However, the immunity of Hebrew firstborns has given rise to conspiracy theories blaming the children of Israel for the so-called ‘Passovergate.’

The conspiracy theories came to a head when political activist Horli Taytsankhammun publicized her claim that Moses, a senior aide to Pharaoh Nefer, is not Egyptian but a Hebrew. Taytsankhammun maintains she has clay tablets proving Moses is an ‘anchor baby,’ found as an infant floating in a Nile wetland by Pharoah Pepi II’s daughter.

“The fact that Moses has been given power in the royal palace is just one example. We need to stop all of the two million children of Israel who are taking away jobs from real Egyptians.”

On the other side, civil rights activists says the children of Israel should not be blamed. “The Hebrews are basically slaves,” explained Cleopatra Djones of the Amenhotep Civil Liberties Union. The organization helped plan a recent pro-Hebrew rally on the campus of Blessed Be The Spirit of Ra Community College.

Djones said Hebrews are doing jobs native Egyptians don’t want. “These include low paid or back breaking work, such as building pyramids, cleaning villas, gardening, and clerking at Khufu-Mart.”

The Pharaoh’s new law should have targeted slavedrivers, added Djones — the people and businesses offering the no wage jobs with no benefits. “Taking slaves is driven by demand, not by the slaves,” she said.

However, the momentum remains with Vizier Brewertiti and the anti-immigrant activists, who succeeded in inserting Operation Exodus — the mass deportation — into the Egypt For Egyptians Act.

Today palace spokesman Horus Senseman provided details of Operation Exodus. “Next month the Hebrews will be marched east to the Sinai Peninsula, with a military escort under Pharaoh Nefer’s personal command,” said Senseman. “We wish the Jews the best, and hope they find a long-term home in the land known as Palestine.”

Coast Guard delays oil burn until somebody comes to their senses

Gulf Coast (f-A-k-e. P.)

In what’s being billed as one of the biggest environment efforts of the Obama Administration the Coast Guard announced today that it will not ignite the oil slick in Louisiana’s Gulf region. Bill Thompson, senior frigate commander went on record saying, “Well the truth is we’re not quite sure how to light it and we definitely don’t know how to put it out.”  Americans are concerned that a large black smoking cloud may not be a good alternative to the oil spill currently seeping from the downed rig.  Senate Republicans enacted a filibuster and immediately called for hearings. “Why can’t we just scoop that oil us and use it?”, Kay Bailey Hutchinson said. “Americans are starved for oil. It’s like we’re burnin’ money!”.  The Senator wasn’t alone in her concern.  The Tea Party has brought out their bass boats and homemade plastic scoops and are racing to the site as we speak. “This is America’s oil. I’m not going to let big Government just light it on fire!” Sarah Palin shouted from her bullhorn.  “It’s time to reclaim what’s ours!”

Not A Bailout…Really!

I am the first one to say that this industry does not want or need bailouts. But this crisis is not the result of running our business badly. … Governments should help carriers recover the cost of this disruption.

— IATA Chief, Giovanni Bisignani

When airlines step up and help their passengers recover the costs they’ve incurred due to this “disruption”, then and only then do airlines get to start whining about a government bailout!

— Kvatch

Tea Party leader – “doing all we can to end big government” by using as much of its services as possible

A Tea Party founder said today that his movement’s fight against big government is succeeding. TeaParty.org president Dale Robertson also denied ever reading racist signs at Tea Party protest rallies.

“We are doing all we can to end big government by signing up for all the government handouts we can,” Robertson told Geuters news service.

“A socialist government needs money to exist, we can kill it by by using as much of its services as possible and draining all the money out of it,” he said.

“Social Security, Medicare, food stamps, and unemployment benefits — especially unemployment– Americans who love their country should sign up to overload all these collectivist programs and bankrupt them,” Robertson said.

Robertson went on to advise patriotic Americans to use food stamps to purchase meat. “The USDA can only check so much meat for E. coli. What we want is to buy more meat than government’s capacity to inspect, forcing it to admit defeat and shut down food safety,”

The former Marine said he was already fighting the government takeover of health care by using Veterans Administration single-payer medical services as much as possible. “I am also taking a stand against the socialist bailout that saw government take over too big to fail insurance companies like AIG. I’m burning things down and filing claims,” he said, explaining the tactic has the added benefits of straining collectivist fire departments, and clogging the collectivist public street system with emergency vehicles.

Robertson said he drew inspiration from President Ronald Reagan in designing his anti-big government strategy: “Back before President George W. Bush privatized a lot of the military, Reagan poured billions into single-payer defense spending, forcing the Soviet Union to overspend on its collectivist military. This brought an end to the Cold War.”


Robertson
Admits Tea Party movement is illiterate

“Washington is going to get our message that socialism benefits no one, loud and clear,” Robertson said confidently.

Robertson also reacted to critics who have called the Tea Party movement racist. “I have never read a racist sign at a Tea Party rally, nor do I know anyone who has. We’re all basically illiterate,” he said.

In other news, House Minority Leader John Boehner said today that he is among the millions of Americans who could be made penniless due to the new tax on tanning parlors imposed by the new health care overhaul.

Gingrich calls health care overhaul elitist – Doesn’t cover legal fees for cancer ward divorces

Former Congressman Newt Gingrich today blasted the nation’s health care overhaul legislation, calling it elitist.

The former House Speaker’s remarks came only minutes after President Obama signed the measure into law in a White House ceremony.

“I’m opposed to this elitist legislation, which does nothing to help with the crushing legal fees of the tens of thousands of assholes who would serve divorce papers on their wives who are in post-op recovering from cancer surgery,” Gingrich told Fawn Craven this morning on the Fox News program Craven Journalism.

“The reality today is that only rich assholes can afford to divorce sick wives, whether with cancer or some other disease. Insurers should be required to cover divorce expenses of poor assholes too — trading up to a trophy wife should not be based on income, not in my America,” Gingrich said

Gingrich said he would work to repeal health care reform, and seek to have it replaced with a more comprehensive reform that would include federal subsidization of alimony payments.