Tag Archives: republicans

GOP votes to dump mascot – “Elephant is not from America”

The Republican Party’s familiar elephant mascot may soon join the ranks of the unemployed, if the recommendation of a special party panel is adopted.

The seven-member committee, led by Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (MN-6), took the unprecedented step today in response to rising sensitivity
within GOP ranks about things really being from America.

“We have done a great investigation into the question, and quite simply the elephant is not from America,” said Bachmann, shortly after the 6-1 vote which adopted the bald eagle as the Republican mascot.

The lone dissenting vote was cast by Governor Charlie Crist of Florida. “I prefer the faaabulous pink flamingo,” Crist said.

Outside the committee’s meeting place at Washington’s Omni Shoreham Hotel, Bachmann spoke to a crowd of conservative activists known as “trunkers,” who oppose what they call the non-American elephant mascot. Many in the gathering held placards reading “It Is From Kenya,” and “Show Us The Pedigree.”

One couple, M.F. and Shirley A. Nutt of Westmost, North Carolina, cheered as the Minnesota House member told trunkers that the Republican Party has no problem claiming the eagle, already a national symbol, for partisan political purposes. “That’s what our party is all about,” Bachmann said.

The Nutts denied being species-ist. “But if we follow something it has to be born in America, not something from Africa and probably Muslim,” M.F. Nutt said.

Bachmann fills out practice Census form

Controversy surrounding the U.S. Census eased somewhat today, after the agency’s chief critic, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN), filled out a practice Census form.

The form was provided to Bachmann by Census enumerator Jim Tally in Bachmann’s Stillwater home. The Census Bureau arranged the special visit to allay Bachmann’s publicized worry that the decennial national survey is “very intricate,” “very personal,” and “contains coded quotations from the the sermons of Rev. Jeremiah Wright.”

Afterward, Bachmann said she was satisfied the process is above board. “It used short, easy to read words, and did not appear to be concealing any anti-America motivations,” said Bachmann.

“In fact, I was pleased at the number of essay questions,” she said, and provided reporters with copies of her form. Some of the questions, with
Bachmann’s answers, were:

  • Number in your household: 160 million (including all sperm and ovum)
  • Sex by Age: About twice a month
  • Median sex by age: We don’t do it in the road
  • Sex by marital status 15 and over: My kids would never have premarital sex, anymore than Sarah Palin’s would
  • Sex by year of entry for the foreign-born population: This is why we have to close the borders!
  • Sex by Work Experience: All this ‘sexual harrassment’ stuff is a bunch of hooey.
  • Means of transportation to work: Automobile, emitting life-giving carbon
  • Was the moon landing faked? Yes
  • Number of voices in your head: 27

“Those weren’t essay questions, but we’ll do our best to interpret them quantitatively,” Tally said.

Everyone loves a circus!

(Washington) The nation’s capital took a break from the hard work of governance today, as the Republican Brothers and Boehner & Flailing brought their three-ring media circus to town.

An excited crowd filled the darkened Senate Judiciary Committee chamber this morning. Senator Jim Bunting got so excited he peed himself when a hush fell over the audience.

Ringmaster Jeff Sessions stepped into the spotlight and got things started with the traditional introduction of, “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, wise Latina women of all ages — welcome to the Greatest Sideshow On Earth!”

And what a show it was! First came trapeze artists The Supreme 5, a unique act that somehow manages to swing only in one direction.

Next was gypsy fortuneteller Tom Coburn, who told the future of one lucky audience member, Sonia Sotomayor of New York City.

Coburn was followed by lion tamer Orrin Hatch, who held at bay the circus’ newest beast, Empathy, the crack of a flaccid noodle sounding in the air.

Hearts stopped when Lindsay Graham stepped onto a high wire far above the crowd. At the halfway point, he paused to juggle white male patriarchy with his insistence life experience should be a disqualifier for the high court.

But everyone’s favorites are the clowns, and there sure were a lot of them! At one point an impossible number of them poured out of a tiny ideological box, to the audience’s delight.

A good time was had by all. By the end, only John Ensign was left to sweep up the elephant poop.

The one disappointment was the news that one act, the comedian Norm Coleman, had left the circus. His replacement, Al Franken, was not funny at all.

Sanford announces 2012 run – “No time left for adultery”

Pleading with reporters to “keep an eye me,” Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina today announced that he is ready to take responsibility for having an extra-marital affair by running for the 2012 Republican nomination for president.

Sanford follows in a tradition of Republicans who atone for personal or professional wrongdoing by not stepping down.

Reiterating his remorse at carrying on an affair with penpal Maria Belen Chapur, an Argentine divorcee, Sanford said he is apologizing to his wife, his children, the people of South Carolina, and the Republican Party by seeking the GOP nomination, and being elected leader of the free world.

“I have very little left to hide,” said Sanford, after striding on stage to strains of Connie Francis’ “I’m Sorry” played over a sound system.

“Seeking my party’s nomination for president means I won’t have time to fool around on my wife Jenny. And when my children want to know where daddy is on Father’s Day, for the next three years the answer will be Iowa. Or New Hampshire,” Sanford said.

Sanford went on to add that “quitting is for members of the Democrat Party,” and cited Gary Hart and John Edwards as examples of politicians who voluntarily stepped away from public life after revelations of marital infidelity.

Sanford said he is running under the slogan “Mark Sanford: Keeping It In His Pants for America.” He asked journalists to keep him on the straight and narrow, declaring, “I call on reporters to turn the bright klieg lights of scrutiny on me follow me day and night.”

“Bug my phone? Yes, please. Telephoto lenses? Tell me which way to face. Round the clock surveillance? Just honk and I’ll have my motorcade slow down so you can keep up,” Sanford promised.

Sanford departed the press conference in “Palmetto State One,” a flatbed truck carrying a diorama of a Motel 6 room, with one wall made of clear Lexan, in which Sanford will sleep while on the campaign trail. There will always be at least one light on in the room.

In related news, South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford has signed an endorsement deal to become national spokesperson for Dog-o-Watt Inc., manufacturers of low-voltage training collars for dogs.

Doctors shrink Cheney swelling – Preparation H treatment makes ex-VP less of an asshole

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is resting comfortably in a Washington D.C. hospital this afternoon, hours after undergoing emergency treatment for being an asshole.

Cheney was delivering a televised rebuttal of President Obama’s speech on policy toward terror detainees at Guantanamo Bay, when onlookers noticed Cheney was experiencing swelling.

Sandra Betacam, a camera operator for C-SPAN, credited training in first aid for helping her recognize the early warning signs of an asshole attack.

“Cheney had just called for creation of an untruth commission, when his upper lip started curling, followed by hyperventilation and exhibiting ignorance of the Constitution,” said Betacam.

Betacam said that when she and others realized what was happening, they donned filter masks to avoid being overcome by gasses, then administered aid to Cheney. Betacam tightened Cheney’s necktie, while others tried to make sure he swallowed his own tongue.

Cheney was transported to Georgetown University Hospital, where medical staff immersed Cheney in a bath of Preparation H. After an hour he was shrunken enough to permit him to make a threatening phone call to Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT).

GU Hospital spokesman Bill Able said regular treatment can make assholes like Cheney bearable.

“It’s usually an incurable condition. But, Preparation H can control the condition to the extent that Cheney can probably live a normal life,” said Bill Able.

“But even then, I wouldn’t let him operate any heavy machinery, death squads or prison camps,” he said.

GOP rebrands Dems as “Democrat Hussein Oparty”

The Republican National Committee today approved a resolution renaming the Democratic Party the ‘Democrat Hussein Oparty.’ The unanimous vote occurred during a special GOP conference.

When the Republicans announced last week that they would vote on the name change, White House Press secretary Robert Gibbs tried to laugh off the change. “Given the challenges that they face, that’s exactly the way I would be using my time too,” he said, chuckling.

And Democratic chairman Tim Kaine commented that the Republican resolution is “childish.”

However, one Republican said the name change has a precedent. “Democrats used to be called the Democratic-Republicans. But they started becoming un-American in 1844, when they dropped the Republican,” said former House speaker Newt Gingrich.

Prominent Republican Rush Limbaugh agreed, the conservative radio host saying “My egghead friend Newt is correct, we are only saying the Democrats’ name should reflect its leader, the socialist Barack Hussein Obama.”

Republicans took the action over the objections of their chairman, Michael Steele. On Sunday Steele told Meet The Press host David Gregory, “I don’t think that that is an appropriate way to express our views on the issues of the day.”

Limbaugh convened the GOP conference by calling Michael Steele a fraidy cat, giving him a wedgie, and throwing him into a locker.

Limbaugh then called Gibbs “a little baby pablum puker,” wondering aloud if the Obama spokesman wears a bib. Limbaugh worked the delegates into a frenzy, leading them in singsonging, “Gibbs wears a bib, Gibbs wears a bib.”

Limbaugh also gave Governor Kaine the name Candy. “I know you are, but what am I?” Limbaugh responded.

The name Democrat Hussein Oparty went into effect almost immediately, with House minority John Boehner believed to be the first to employ it.

Characterizing as “gross” accusations by Speaker Nancy Pelosi that the CIA had misled her about the use of torture on terrorism suspects, Boehner took to the House floor to call her claim “typical of Democrat Husseins like Speaker Pelosi, a gross San Francisco socialist. Grossy Pelosi, that’s what she is.”

“Grossy Pelosi, Grossy Pelosi,” Boehner said.

In other news, Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) was found today pantsed and hanging from a coathook in the Senate cloakroom. When asked to comment, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell merely stuck out his lower lip and shrugged.

iNews Friday, 5/15/2009

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: White House aide resigns over NY flyover
Translation: Caldera takes train out of the capital

Headline: Women’s fertility drug caused failed Ramirez test
Translation: Manny’s testicles no longer suspended

Headline: Manny ‘very sorrowful’
Translation: Ramirez on 50 game DL – Post-partum depression

Headline: Dennis Miller on Wanda Sykes’ Controversial Jokes at White House
Translation: “Where are the precious Kierkegaard references?” asks smug prick

Headline: Republicans to Brand Democrats as “Democrat Socialist Party”
Translation: Most Americans have already branded Republicans as “American Nazi Party”

Headline: WHO meets on production of swine flu vaccine
Translation: World hails vaccine found on cheese in Daltrey’s refrigerator

Headline: Budget Crisis in California Could Claim Landmarks
Translation: Stop payment on California pageant organizers’ check could force Prejean to return implants

Headline: Abuse photos put US in ‘double catch-22’
Translation: 2×22=44, and Obama is the 44th president – “COINCIDENCE?” asks Alex Jones

Headline: Bike to work on Friday
Translation: Bike to work commuters outnumbered by those biking to unemployment office

Headline: Prudential, Hartford Among Insurers Cleared for US Bailout
Translation: Geithner gored by stag after being hit by piece of the rock

Headline: Rove to Be Interviewed Over Attorney Firings
Translation: Poll – Americans say waterboarding would be OK in interview of this type

No more GOP big tent – Can’t find claim check for REI repair counter

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele announced today that his party will no longer use a big tent approach to rebuild its electoral base.

Steele explained that he had decided to abandon the big tent at its current location, the gear repair counter at the REI store in Fairfax, Virginia. “There was a giant hole in the big tent, so Jack Kemp took it in for repair,” said Steele.

Steele said conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh damaged the big tent — an REI Base Camp model — during a teambuilding exercise in March in New Hampshire’s White Mountains.

“Rush said he had to sleep in the big tent, but this meant there was no room in it for anyone else. And while he was in there, he burned the hole in the big tent with a lit cigar.”

Kemp, the former New York congressman who advocated broadening the party’s populist appeal, and was also the 1996 GOP vice presidential nominee, volunteered to drop off the big tent at the Fairfax REI.

However, on May 2 Kemp passed away from cancer, “and now no one knows where the claim check is,” Steele said.

Steele went on to say he tried to get REI to make an exception, without success. “It’s like that green-vested woman didn’t know who I am. And then I remembered: REI is a cooperative, it spreads the wealth among its members,” he said, making airquotes with his fingers.

“I think we all know what that means.”

A committee of GOP moderates led by former Secretary of State Colin Powell has started shopping for a new big tent. But an overwhelming number of Republicans question whether a new big tent is even necessary.

“In view of the Obama recession, the $400 to replace the big tent is an expense we can’t afford,” said former vice president Dick Cheney.

Speaking on the CBS News program Face The Nation on Sunday, Cheney told host Bob Schieffer that any conservatives in need of shelter can huddle in Limbaugh’s ample rain shadow.

“What’s more, his Docker pleated slacks have vast quantities of twill that make for an excellent windbreak,” Cheney said.

GOP to fight crime with deregulation

Responding to ongoing public outrage, Congressional Republicans today introduced a major new law enforcement proposal.

The new plan, H.R. 1, is noteworthy for its innovative application of deregulation to the crimefighting arena. So says a group of ultra-neoconservatives led by House Republican Management Trainee Jonathan Krohn.

Krohn - GOP Management Trainee
Krohn - GOP Management Trainee

Krohn, the adorable 14 year old heir apparent to the intellectual leadership of the GOP, told reporters that the Republican plan is founded on bedrock neoconservative principles. “We are a party of principle. Who needs to spend a lot of time designing policy, when our principles give us the conviction that everything we do is right, regardless of reality,” said Krohn.

“Our most deeply held principle is less government, which underlies this proposal. We’re putting criminals on notice — watch your backs, we’re cutting federal, state and local crime regulations and unleashing the power of the market,” he said.

Krohn said it is time for change. “Sure, we could do the usual and put more cops on the street, more community policing, a non-politicized Justice Department. But I believe that if big government regulations could control crime, shouldn’t crime have been brought under control decades ago?”

“Deregulation is the answer. It’s a Republican principle. Just as economic deregulation leads to economic prosperity, so too will deregulation cause crime to be overwhelmed by the free market.” Krohn smiled and batted his eyelashes endearingly before continuing.

“People will be equal — another Republican principle — and so will their actions. No more abstract social engineering labels like ‘crime’ and ‘non-crime’, only economic transactions between people looking out for Number One. It will be — dare I say it — extreme entrepreneurism with a helping of liberty on the side,” Krohn said.

“How do I know all this will work? I wrote a book when I was only 13!” Krohn said.

Krohn is set to resume his national tour promoting that book, “How To Pick Up Home Schooled Girls,” and hopes his telegenic appearances will win support for H.R. 1.

“Just look at my dimples! I’m so cute it’s enough to make ya plotz! Aha — you plotzed just now. You were, I caught you plotzing!”

Outrage at N.Y. Governor – Republicans say Spitzer forgot to apologize to Jesus

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer yesterday admitted he had been caught by a federal investigation into an international prostitution ring.

“I apologize first and most importantly to my family. I apologize to the public to whom I promised better,” Spitzer said Monday in a brief appearance at his Manhattan office. “I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my family.”

However, prominent Republican critics say Spitzer forgot someone important in his apology.

“Who cares about family, the public and his standards — Jesus is the one deserving an apology. And he’s still waiting,” said Francis F. “Fifi” Frandle, GOP image consultant and ethics guru.

“Just call me the right wing’s little moral compass,” jokes Frandle.

“Whether a Republican is caught with an escort, chasing Congressional pages around a desk, tap dancing in an airport men’s room, or leaking the name of a CIA agent, the first person he seeks forgiveness from is Jesus,” said Frandle. “This is because when someone takes the oath of office, your hand is on the Bible and you swear to god, Jesus’ dad, who gave Moses the Constitution on stone tablets.”

“After Jesus, the big Kahuna, you don’t need to apologize to anyone else. Which is important, because apologizing to ordinary people undermines a Republican’s natural position as a leader,” he said.

“If someone still gives you a hard time, you tell them Jesus has already given you a pass, and it’s none of their business.”

And if the controversy still won’t go away? Frandle says there is a standard hierarchy that can be blamed: “alcoholism, chemical dependency, dehydration, secular progressives, George Soros, the designated hitter rule, and, finally, Satan.”

At the White House, a gleeful President Bush said the fact that Spitzer was caught as the result of intercepted communications proves the effectiveness of the government’s warrantless wiretapping program. “If the terrorists try to hire high-priced call girls, we’ll get ’em,” Bush said.