Tag Archives: sarah palin

Palin daughter is pregnant – Baby has been named Checkers

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin met her first challenge as John Sidney McCain III’s vice presidential running mate on Monday, making a speech on the first day of the Republican National Convention that sought to preempt rumors surrounding her teenage daughter’s pregnancy.

Rumors about the pregnancy of Bristol Palin, 17 and unmarried, surfaced in the 72 hours following Gov. Palin being named to the ticket on Friday. Reports among party faithful that the conception was immaculate gained momentum over the weekend, and Palin decided to confront the issue rather than risk turning her family’s Alaska home into a holy pilgrimage site.

Manifesting to GOP delegates on live closed circuit TV at the Xcel Energy Center, Palin — her hair up in her trademark haystack style and wearing a respectable, Republican cloth coat — denied her pending grandchild’s immaculate conception, and said the Holy Ghost had sworn to her that it was not the father.

But Palin sought to reframe the question, rhetorically asking, “The question isn’t where the ‘seed’ came from, and it’s not even whether we should give it back. The question is — is it morally wrong?”

“Well, it would be. It’s a secret thing, done in secret, hidden from view, under cover, shameful, evil evil evil,” she added.

“But you know what? We’re going to make this joyous news. Bristol already loves her baby, and our youngest girl, Tricia, the six year old, named it Checkers.”

By all accounts the heartfelt, personal nature of the speech, already being called ‘The Out of Wedlock Checkers Speech,’ is helping Palin connect with the Republican base. “She hit it out of the park,” said an enthusiastic Gov. Mitt Romney.

The former GOP candidate said he is seeing a surge of support for Palin at the convention. “The delegates are really behind her. Already there is a movement to find a way for her to spend more time with her wonderful, moral, Christian family. In Alaska,” Romney said.

In related news, conservative religious leader Warren Jeffs has offered to marry Bristol Palin, “in order to do the right thing.”

History is Hard

During her campaign for Governor in 2006, Sarah Palin was given a candidate questionnaire to fill out. One of the questions was “Are you offended by the phrase “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance? Why or why not?”

Her response:

Not on your life. If it was good enough for the founding fathers, its good enough for me and I’ll fight in defense of our Pledge of Allegiance.

For fifty billion dollars, which of our founders wrote the Pledge of Allegiance?

That’s right! Socialist Utopian Francis Bellamy wrote it. And you’ll remember Bellamy from such America-founding activities as being born in 1855.

Furthermore, the words “under God” were added by a bill introduced by an obscure congressman at the behest of that minuteman Dwight Eisenhower. Now, I like Ike as much as the next guy, but he’s not exactly T.J., people. She’s a moron.

And remember, she said she’ll “fight” and the rationale for that fight is based on faulty intelligence, in this case, her own.

McCain picks gay icon as Veep – “Karen Walker can hold her liquor”

Saying America needs a vice president who exemplifies the best America has to offer, presumptive GOP presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III announced today his choice of running mate: Karen Walker of New York.

The announcement completes the Republican ticket just as it prepares to open its national convention in Minneapolis on Monday.

McCain introduced his running mate during an appearance at the Nutter Center in Dayton, Ohio. “I proudly accept this nomination on behalf of my biggest fans — my gay posse, my pharmacists, and my husband Stan, who couldn’t be with us today because this stage has a weight limit,” Walker said.

Republican strategist and FOX News commentator Karl Rove quickly hailed the selection of Walker, whom Rove called “an astute compromise choice, possessing the skills of others on McCain’s short list, while none of the negatives.”

An unbelievably wealthy Manhattan business woman and philanthropist, Walker has better hair than Mitt Romney, the other candidate with economic credentials. Yet Walker also has a bigger rack than ex-senator Fred Thompson, whom backers said would attract voters due to his high profile as an actor.

Walker also beat out Jesus H. Christ of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, who ended his candidacy after Super Tuesday. Many of Christ’s policies are out of step with the Republican base, whereas Walker is well-known for her charity work, but is also a slumlord.

Most of all, Walker is eminently qualified in the area of foreign policy. “Not only does Karen Walker have a fabulous rack, but her ability to be functional despite a consistent 0.08% blood alcohol level, as well as a physiological tolerance for prescription drugs, means she can hold her liquor,” McCain said.

“Karen Walker will be able to drink America’s enemies under the negotiation table,” declared McCain.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-Il and Osama Bin Laden — watch out!

Photos: New York’s Karen Walker


Walker accepts. McCain can’t resist that rack, and hopes voters won’t be able to either.


Official campaign photo


Campaign slogan created especially for Walker.