Category Archives: Humor

Humor, satire, fake news

This just in

After initially being denied a visa to visit the United States and perform at the Grammy Awards, Amy Winehouse has now been granted permission to enter our country. Seems she had a little “reefer madness” in Norway last October that freaked out the U.K. branch of the U.S. Embassy and caused them to deny her first request. A few phone calls (from the Grammy producers, the writer’s guild, Al Sharpton and Dennis Hopper) and voila the embassy writes her a visa. Guess that anti-terrorism campaign is really in full swing, eh guys? Don’t fret though, Ms. Winehouse has released a statement that she’s not coming to America. Her reason, “Oy, in the States Special K is a breakfast cereal. Bloody hell!”

iNews Friday – 2/8/2008

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator:

Headline: Hamas to Work with Egypt to Seal Border with Gaza Strip
Translation: Ziploc promises new Gaza Strip design totally leak-proof

Headline: US strike on Qaeda leader seen as limited success
Translation: Qaeda fails to settle with writers – Bin Laden videos placed on extended hiatus, reruns to start March 1

Headline: Pentagon is split on Iraq withdrawals
Translation: “We explained very clearly when Iraq opened its account that there would be a penalty for early withdrawal”

Headline: Police take Britney to hospital
Translation: Sting drives, Andy Summers programs the GPS, Stewart Copeland films it for documentary

Headline: Giants upset Patriots
Translation: Super Bowl schadenfreude sweeps the nation

Headline: Bush wants more Earth monitoring
Translation: “Earth is where the terrorists live,” Bush says

Headline: Scientists Grow Human Skin In France
Translation: Built-in odor of Gauloise smoke masked by cologne

Headline: Limbaugh Weighs In
Translation: Highway Department demands damage deposit to use truck scales

Headline: Super Tuesday Hangover
Translation: Good bye, Suuuper Tuesday / what’ll a fading Huckabee do?

Headline: US: al-Qaida in Iraq training children
Translation: Bush says SCHIP veto was anti-terror move

Headline: White House says waterboarding not torture
Translation: No permanent injuries, say Avalon and Funicello

Headline: CIA Destroyed Tapes as Judge Sought Interrogation Data
Translation: Porter Goss’s Rosemary Woods impression was hit of 2005 CIA Thanksgiving party

Headline: Clinton, Obama camps split along generational lines
Translation: On your mark, let’s start: the Democratic Family Feud!
Headline: McCain’s next test: Convince the right
Translation: Unfortunately, Leni Reifenstahl no longer available to direct campaign video

Headline: Little progress in airport security
Translation: What TSA needs is a $25 dollar charge to check your bag

Through the Pond Darkly

Wow, it’s great to be here in California, thanks kvatch. But have you ever tried to get a lunch pail of mosquito larvae through US Customs? It really set me up to wiggle my toes in the pond and tell you Americans how badly your treatment of we poor fun loving Aussies really is.

I tend to claim I’m Canadian over here, then just get on with my business and try and ignore the jokes. But take the young Aussie and Kiwi working the Colorado ski fields a couple of years back. Just for a prank they robbed a bank and ended up in jail for their efforts. (herehere)

Okay, robbing banks is serious, but this pair weren’t. Bloody hell! They were wearing their work uniforms with name badges attached. They told the teller, “G’day mate. Just shove the money in the bag and we’ll be out of here like a koala up a gum, tree.” You Americans get so bloody serious, it has to be a joke.

Last year, in Cola-bloody-rado again, a young Aussie kid was prosecuted for assault after he threw a snowball at a workmate. “It hurt me”, she complained, “and he didn’t like me.” After spending the family assets on a defence the case was chucked out before it really started. A bloody snowball? Chill out! (herehere)

Then there is the pair of Aussie sailors in a San Diego jail for kicking the shit out of some bloke who argued that American football was better than Australian football. A pretty dumb claim really, when you consider we have four football codes here and fans are well trained in cross game conflict. (herehere)

Anyway it looks like those poor buggers (no reflection on the Australian Navy) will be going to jail just for doing what comes naturally. Now it seems they might be joined by one of their footy heroes, Wayne Carey. (herehere)

Now this major star, in some parts of the great downunder, was having a good time in Miami, as one does. Wayne was showing his girlfriend how much fun it can be to smash a glass in her face. Apparently she still loves him, but Carey then accidentally kicked an arresting officer in the face. We all know Miami cops don’t have a sense of humour.

Back in Melbourne (mel-bun) the police know what a fun guy Wayne is, they did a big home video job on him just recently. The cops here usually go a few joke rounds with him, some capsicum spray, then pose for the media pics. Not the Miami cops, they want blood.

I know you are going the bring up that film actor bloke, Russell Crowe. Before you start, he only pretends he is Aussie, he is really Kiwi. But if you want to give us any trouble we’ll happily sick the feisty Crowe onto you.

Fortunately froggy has neat categories for post – have a look Russell, this one says humour mate! So do bother coming around to my house to get me.

For most the first story the first link is AU the second US…

Mukasey: U.S. does not torture

Attorney General calls it “private conduct,” “lifestyle choice”

Days after refusing to rule out the use of waterboarding, Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey has attacked congressional Democrats, calling the investigations of torture a violation of basic privacy rights.

“We don’t consider anything we do to be torture, and I find the Democrats’ inquiries a distasteful intrusion into people’s private conduct,” Mukasey said today on the “Jerry Springer” public affairs television program.

“Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism, or ‘BDSM,’ is a time honored lifestyle choice that deserves as much respect as traditional marriage,” said Mukasey, to gasps and hoots from the studio audience.

“What happens at Guantanamo Bay and the global network of secret prisons is a private matter between men and women, interrogator and detainee, master and servant, top and bottom, Christian and Muslim,” he said, dodging a flying chair.

“Alternative lifestyles occur in the illegal enemy combatant community in the same proportions as society in general,” said the attorney general. “We test each new detainee at time of intake, and we use what we find to protect the homeland, as well as have a bit of fun,” he said.

For the first time, Mukasey divulged protocols used by the Justice Department in matching interrogation methods with prisoners. All suspected illegal enemy combatants are evaluated according to the DSM-IV, categorized, then paired with intelligence agency staff or security contractors with complementary interests.

The attorney general warned of a slippery slope should Congressional investigations result in prosecutions.

“If BDSM is equated with illegal torture, where does it stop? Today it makes for grand political theater in the Judiciary Committee, but tomorrow anyone experimenting with a pair of fur lined manacles could be hauled before the World Court in The Hague,” said Mukasey, referring to the judicial body set up by former U.S. Secretary of State Alexander The Hague.

Mukasey said Congress “should get its nose out of people’s bedrooms, and put it where it belongs — in their telephone calls and emails.”

Mukasey provided a 2006 Justice Department Inspector General report that generally approved of the techniques, but found fault with the failure to provide detainees with safe words.

Bush Administration supporters in Congress said such a problem is correctable, and proves once and for all that U.S. practices do not violate the Geneva Conventions.

Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) issued an impassioned plea asking his colleagues to drop further inquiries into torture. “I beg Congress: stop nosing around in the private lives of illegal enemy combatants and their interrogators,” Craig said.

Senator David Vitter (R-Louisiana) agreed: “Don’t tie the hands of those protecting us from terrorism. Or if you do, use silk neckties.”

Previously at Wiseline Institute NW:New eatery does soup right, by Michael B. Mukasey

The Ultimate Fast Food

hayburner.jpg

Hang on to your hats America, a Hayburner Restaurant is about to open near you. Australia produces nearly 17,000 non-performing racehorses each year and in a user pays society they have to go somewhere to earn their birthright.

Up to now Japan, Russia, Belgium and France have been more than happy to mop up this excess of delectable horse flesh, but the US consumption of gallopers is rising rapidly. For export countries a growth market is a godsend.

I’m waiting for the ads – 50% less fat – though they won’t tell you it’s because it is too expensive to add any more to this very lean meat. But the buns and a piquant sauce should make up the difference.

The overall marketing is fascinating as well, horse meat needs an acceptable name. I’m thinking something like ‘presidential steak’ or even ‘bush meat’. Okay, my marketing skills aren’t all that great, horse meat actually sounds more attractive that the Bush link.

I just hope you love to enjoy your Derby Burgers, Neddy Nuggets, Long Shots and other offerings from the broken dreams of equine passion.

What a waste – Blog item rendered moot by the news

Thompson wins endorsement of TV’s Arthur Branch

Sen. Fred Thompson today received an important celebrity endorsement, with the “Law & Order” star throwing his own support behind himself in his bid for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination. The announcement came this morning in the master bathroom of Thompson’s home in McLean, VA.

“I think I’m the best man for the job, and I’m proud to give myself my full support,” said Thompson, who played Arthur Branch on the long running NBC police procedural.

Thompson’s endorsement of himself is a much needed shot in the arm for the Tennessean’s lagging presidential bid, as his rivals have already scored the backing of a number of high profile stars. Chuck Norris (Mike Huckabee), Arnold Schwarzenegger (John McCain), Adam Sandler and Jon Voight (Rudolph Giuliani), and comedian Gallagher (Alan Keyes) have already committed.

Before today’s announcement, Thompson had won the endorsement of only country singer Lorrie Morgan, his former girlfriend.

Thompson spokesperson Farrah Fawcett-Frandle explained that her candidate had been working very hard seeking celebrity endorsements. “There are a lot of actresses and starlets out there who were up for grabs, and Fred Thompson has been dating all of them,” said Fawcett-Frandle, ticking off a long list that includes America Ferrera (“Ugly Betty”), Amber Tamblyn (“Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants”), and Sean Young (“Los Angeles County Hospital Observation Ward”).

“Unfortunately, it’s been highly competitive, the most sought after endorsements are going elsewhere,” she said.

Fawcett-Frandle gave Cheryl Ladd as an example: “Fred and Cheryl spent three passion filled days together in a beachside love nest in Cabo San Lucas, but in the end she went with Giuliani.”

The Week in iNews

To Ragebot readers: Original R&D work on the iNews family of Wi-Fi Headline Translators was done by Air America Radio’s old morning show. That prototype unit, the Model 5000, was acquired by Wiseline Institute Northwest in early 2007 at a garage sale. An OS update CD found at a Pike Place Market pawn shop upgraded it to Model 9000 Turbo.

Ever since it has been activated most Fridays at Mr_Blog’s Left Turn. By special arrangement, we are pleased to install it here on Ragebot for your enjoyment.

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator:

Headline: Israel wants Egypt to reseal Gaza border
Translation: No economic stimulus package for Palestinians

Headline: Bush – faith helped beat addiction to alcohol
Translation: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines”

Headline: M’s will need more than Bedard
Translation: Seattle pitchers and catchers report to Lourdes

Headline: I-90 closed at Snoqualmie Pass due to avalanche
Translation: Huckabee, in search of landslide, yodeled

Headline: #3 al-Qaeda Leader Killed
Translation: Continued vacancy at #2 hailed as “makin’ good progress”

Headline: Schwarzenegger Endorses McCain
Translation: McCain pledges to build “Skynet” computer-based defense system

Headline: Cable Snafu Cuts Internet Access in India
Translation: Indians unable to email selves for tech support

Headline: Messenger’s Pictures From Mercury Surprise Scientists
Translation: Queen front man, thought dead, returns – will tour with Zeppelin this year

Headline: Chicago voters join early voting trend
Translation: Fetuses now outnumber dead in voter registrations

Headline: Giuliani’s epic collapse
Translation: Only received 911 votes in Florida