Category Archives: Uncategorized

Florida legislature debates ban on car foreskins

(WINS is reporting today from the Green My Ride event in Seattle)

Florida state senator Guy Phinney has introduced a bill in the state senate to ban the display of replica foreskins on cars.

“I always thought they were called ‘bras,’ said Phinney, a Republican from Talahassee.

“When Sen. Carey Baker introduced his bill to ban replica bull testicles hanging from cars, it hit me like an epiphany — they’re foreskins, not bras.”

Phinney went on to say that he used to get into accidents because he was always staring at the bras. “The realization I had been staring at foreskins all those years was freaky, uncomfortable, and caused me to question my own masculinity,” he said.

If it becomes law, Phinney’s bill would declare the novelty foreskins to be offensive to the sensibilities of people who tend to be easily offended.

A provision of the bill, Sec. 36 DD, would mandate really large, non-saggy headlights on all Florida cars by 2025.

“Gross McCain Product” – a better way to gauge state of the economy

John McCain today explained his recent statement that the U.S. economy has “had a pretty good, prosperous time” during the eight years of the Bush Administration.

“The mortgage crisis, the ballooning debt, the recession, the falling dollar — these just don’t matter,” the presumptive Republican nominee for president told a group of California supporters, the National Association of Fine T and A (NAFTA), a group of professional women based in the San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles.

McCain said his view of the economy is the result of a new statistical measure he has personally created. McCain said his measurement, the Gross McCain Product, is more accurate and simpler to understand and compute.

Writing on a whiteboard, McCain explained the Gross McCain Product as a ratio of his personal annual income to the net worth of his wife, beer distributor heiress Cindy McCain.

“The McCain made $339,000 last year, while my wife’s share of the family business, plus all her stuff, is currently worth $100 million. That’s a GMP of 3.4 to 1000. Why, just last year The McCain’s household servants made $400,000, out my own pocket. Cindy’s pocket. Our pocket,” explained McCain.

“This is a huge improvement, my friends. Back when The McCain had the starter wife, she dragged down the economy with a GMP of 2 to 0-point-3. All she had to her name was that 1974 Maverick.”

“My friends, you shouldn’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out how well we’re doing,” said McCain. “That is the GMP. Straightforward, straight-talk on the most important aspect of the economy, the only part that matters to The McCain. And that is the McCain sector,” he said.

“This is how The McCain rolls on economic statistics,” he told the enthusiastic NAFTA audience.

iNews Friday – 3/21/2008

Headline: Obama’s Race Speech Heralded as Historic
Translation: ‘Obama’ is a Kenyan name meaning ‘leader’

Headline: Clinton Tries to Keep Plan for Two Revotes Alive
Translation: ‘Hillary’ is an old Scottish name meaning ‘follower’

Headline: Obama confronts nation’s racial issues
Translation: Clinton appeals to nation’s worst tendencies

Headline: Clinton Records From ’90s to Be Released on Wednesday
Translation: Bush adds Hey Man Smell My Finger, Dope Dogs to iPod playlist

Headline: Sci-fi giant Arthur C. Clarke, dead at 90
Translation: Literary giant buried in monolith-shaped coffin

Headline: Translation:

Headline: Starbucks will ‘fight to the death,’ Schultz says
Translation: To the last drop

Headline: Seattle area becoming much more international
Translation: Seattle begs for annexation by Canada

Headline: Defiant president defends high cost of the Iraq war
Translation: “Halliburton added 15% service charge to the bill,” Bush says

Headline: California Court Awards Starbucks Baristas $105 Million in Tip Dispute
Translation: Starbucks baristas win un milione venti judgment
Translation (Turbo mode): “Where will I get a tip jar that big?” Schultz complains

Headline: McCain: Purim = Halloween?
Translation: Man wearing Lieberman mask terrifies Israeli children

Headline: Astronauts on spacewalk test patch for shuttle tiles
Translation: Yet another use found for duct tape
Translation (Turbo mode): KFC Extra Crispy to be included in NASA food packs, tool kits

Headline: Men of the Matyo minority pour buckets of water on girls dressed in their traditional clothing, in Mezoekoevesd, Hungary, during a rehearsal for a typical Hungarian Easter tradition.
Translation: The wet peasant dress contest is a centuries-old feature of Hungarian Spring Break

The Iraq News

Fifth Anniversary Edition

Ten shy of four thousand members of the American military have lost their lives in Iraq. The first 3,990 of those did not have to die and the ten more that will soon die and bring this total to a mindblowing 4,000 do not have to die either. The ones that will likely die on the way to 5,000 and beyond do not have to die. The untolled masses of Iraqis that will be killed, do not need to be. All it would take to end this is a few words spoken into a telephone by George W. Bush. Just a few words. But, instead, the words we hear from him are “it was worth it“.

The democratic majority in Congress ruthlessly squandered the opportunity to defund the OCCUPATION, so now, Congress can only end it with the impeachment of Bush and Cheney. These things sound impossible. They are not. They can happen right now. Today. It’s a matter of will. Waiting another year is obviously a tragic mistake.

We continue to be told that a we just need to hold out for political reconciliation. It’s never going to happen. Never was that more obvious than yesterday at a national reconciliation convention in Iraq that was boycotted by some of the most important political players in the country.

Here’s the Iraq News:

Settle? No way!

I read a blurb in The Week about an article in The Atlantic Monthly by Lori Gottlieb. It had a concept so hideous, I went right to my copy of AM and read it. In her article, “The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (yeah, she really called it that!), she counsels 30-40 year old single women to end the agony of the search for true love and “settle” for someone instead.

Her thought is that women need the financial and emotional support of men in order to create a structure within which to procreate. Damn woman! What is this? 1972?! First, not all of us want to procreate. Second, men are not wallets, nannies or security blankets. They are fully realized human beings with thoughts, feelings and dreams of their own and they deserve more respect!

Marriage is HARD lady, even for those who are deeply in love. Trying it with some bozo you are only mildly able to tolerate is never going to work. She says in her article:

“I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane and often boring non-profit business.”

Spoken like a true single woman. She has no idea what she is talking about. She treats marriage like an acquisition. I give you me and I get financial security, household chores, a father for my children and emotional support. My question, is what does she bring to the party? I hear this crap all the time from women. I’m nearing 30, I should do something, I should get married. No you shouldn’t. Settling for less than what you really want is dooming your life to failure. Some of the best marriages I know of were made by people in their 40s and 50s. They waited for the person they wanted to be with. They didn’t settle. And in the end I think they’re light years ahead of Ms. Gottlieb and her ilk.

Obama flag pin stance draws fire – “Not enough items of flair,” say critics

Republican Party officials today criticized Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama for not wearing an American flag lapel pin and other patriotic buttons, which conservatives call “flair.”

Republican image consultant Francis F. “Fifi” Frandle wants to talk to the Illinois senator about his flair. Frandle — known to many as ‘the Mr. Blackwell of the Right Wing’ — said flair is a must for any serious candidate.

“Items of flair are de rigeur political fashion accessories for anyone who wants to be taken seriously as a politician,” said Frandle.

“Politics is about media, and media is about image,” he explained. “If Obama goes on TV without flair, he’ll be a bland, flair-less island in the middle of a screen filled with sparkly animations, captions and news-crawls. He’ll clash,” warned Frandle.

Obama dismissed the controversy over his flair today in comments to reporters. He had worn flair after 9/11, he said, but stopped because he believed it had become a substitute for true patriotism.

He said he would not start wearing flair again. “I don’t really like talking about my flair,” Obama added.

Even if Obama did start wearing a flag pin again, it is not likely to satisfy critics.

“The patriotic minimum for flair is actually 15 items,” said former Senator Mel Martinez, general chairman of the Republican National Committee.

“It’s up to Obama whether or not he wants to just do the bare minimum. Rudy Giuliani, for example, has 37 pieces of flair. And a terrific smile.”

Martinez urged Obama to look to others within his own party for leadership. “Why can’t Obama be more like (Senator) Joe Lieberman?” wondered Martinez.

“Lieberman always wears at least 25 items of flair.”

:: Originally ran October 9, 2007 at Wiseline Institute NW

Invest in your 401K, not your footwear

I keep reading these articles in women’s magazines, and hearing from women bloggers that they consider their shoes “investments”. They collect Christian Louboutins, Jimmy Choos, and Manolo Blahniks ~ all of which cost between $450 – $800 a pair! You people have been watching too much Oprah.

Shoes are like cars. They are never going to appreciate in value. In fact, they begin to lose value the minute you “drive them off the lot”. Take a lesson from Carrie on Sex and the City. When she wanted to buy her apartment, she found out that she had spent $40,000 on shoes, and didn’t have the money for a downpayment.

I’m all for looking good, but the truth is you need a retirement fund a lot more than you need a pair of $750 shoes. Invest in your future, put the money in your 401K. You can borrow against it when you want to buy that first house, but banks don’t consider your shoes collateral.

Badges, we don’t need no stinking badges

Homeland Security Nazi Michael Chertoff recently rolled out a new driver’s license initiative. DHS will now require those born after Dec. 1, 1964 to have a Homeland Security approved driver’s license in order to board a plane. Not drive mind you, just to fly. Oh, and you have until 2014 to comply. Boomers have until 2017 because, as we all know they’re slower on the uptake. And they make crappy terrorists, they can’t even program their own VCRs for crying out loud.

Chertoff doesn’t go into a lot of detail about what exactly the security features of this new license are. I’m guessing it’s going to be stamped, “Not a boomer” across the front in bright red ink. You know to keep us Gen X/Y/whatevers from trying to use the Medicare system or cash Social Security checks. I mean with all those Boomers set to retire soon, the government already has their hands full.

He assures us that the new licenses will curb illegal immigration, identity theft, and make it harder for terrorists to move about. I’m looking for a license that offers me a photo that doesn’t look like a mugshot, and actually has my true height and weight on it. That or one that makes julienne fries.

Maybe he’s right though . Maybe we do need a tighter system for national security. Here’s a thought, we have this enormous passport bureau. Why don’t we just require every U.S. citizen to carry a passport? Oh, right because without a second form of identification it’s not valid.

Fidel Castro – A Cold War Observation

Cuba’s Fidel Castro steps down after half a century

Castro, 81, who has not appeared in public since undergoing stomach surgery almost 19 months ago, said he would not seek a new term as president or leader of Cuba’s armed forces when the National Assembly meets on Sunday.

– Reuters

Fidel CastroSort of reminds me of Cold War era announcements from the former Soviet Union:

“The Chairman is fine…”

“The chairman is fine…”

“The Chairman is dead.”

Just saying…

Shut up you corporate kiss-butt

I read the most ridiculous article in The Week recently. It was entitled, “Warding off a pink slip”. They had all sorts of tips from talking heads. One was to stay put in your current job and take on extra work. They believe this could pay off later in terms of salary and promotions. They have a quote from Gary Rich of Rich Leadership. He says, “Companies remember who helped them out through a tough time.” Yeah, right Gar. I’ve met this kind of jackhole in corporate life. They’re paid to bring people together and sing Kumbaya. And they’re about as useful as those idiots who conduct team building exercises.

I don’t know about you, but I lived through 9/11 and the 2000 dot com bust and I don’t recall anyone patting me on the head for my efforts. I think the idea that companies are greatful to their employees is just utter bullshit. I mean does anyone really believe this anymore? Employees are disposable cogs in a giant machine. They figure you’re replaceable. They’re not going to bend over backwards to reward your loyalty, they’re more likely to outsource your job to India and send you on your way.