The last word on flag pins

And now with a commentary on the recent flag lapel pin controversy, here is the actual Flag of the United States of–

SHUT UP, I’m talking now! Listen, people, I don’t want to hear any more arguing about who’s wearing a flag pin and who’s not. Because a pin can’t be a flag, it’s JEWELRY. Jewelry, as in signet rings, scepters and orbs, which are symbols of a freakin’ MONARCHY, not a republic.

A flag is made of cloth, and when I say cloth, I don’t mean what you use to make clothes. You don’t make Me into freakin’ t-shirts, windbreakers or bikini tops. Jessica Simpson notwithstanding — I never know if it’s really Me you’re saluting.

Definitely don’t make Me into a freakin’ bandana — would YOU like to be wrapped around the sweaty head of whatever big-hat small-brain country-western flavor of the month wants to look patriotic? I didn’t think so. Some of those hair products are flammable, and you can only burn Me for disposal or as an act of protected political speech.

And certainly NOT freakin’ BOXER SHORTS. George freakin’ W. Bush wears flag boxers, and I have just one word to say about that: skidmarks.

Anyway, Barack Obama has got it exactly right when he says flag pins have become a substitute for real patriotism. DAMN STRAIGHT! If those pseudo-patriots are really serious about love of country, they’d also wear Constitution lapel pins. But they DON’T, which means I’m on the phone with the Constitution every night, forced to listen to her marathon crying jags about how “no one loves me like they love you, everyone wants me to diet and lose a few amendments, you’re so lucky you’re the flag.”

Christ, not having to listen to that anymore is reason enough to stop this whole flag pin crap. As far as I’m concerned, Obama is free to not wear a flag pin all the way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, with My blessing. Yeah, that’s a freakin’ endorsement — you wanna make something of it?

Let Me back up a second and talk about this whole saluting the National Anthem business too. You salute ME, not the freakin’ Anthem. The Anthem is already the vainest sumbitch you ever saw — ‘everyone stands up for me, people shoot off fireworks for me, they play me at the Olympics’ — stop encouraging him already!

Bottom line: a flag is cloth and you hang it off a structure or a pole. So if you still want to carry the American Flag around on your person, Resmuglican friends, there is only one way to do it: attach Me to a pole, then bend over.

:: Also by The Flag: Jun. 27, 2006, Dec. 13, 2006

Settle? No way!

I read a blurb in The Week about an article in The Atlantic Monthly by Lori Gottlieb. It had a concept so hideous, I went right to my copy of AM and read it. In her article, “The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (yeah, she really called it that!), she counsels 30-40 year old single women to end the agony of the search for true love and “settle” for someone instead.

Her thought is that women need the financial and emotional support of men in order to create a structure within which to procreate. Damn woman! What is this? 1972?! First, not all of us want to procreate. Second, men are not wallets, nannies or security blankets. They are fully realized human beings with thoughts, feelings and dreams of their own and they deserve more respect!

Marriage is HARD lady, even for those who are deeply in love. Trying it with some bozo you are only mildly able to tolerate is never going to work. She says in her article:

“I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane and often boring non-profit business.”

Spoken like a true single woman. She has no idea what she is talking about. She treats marriage like an acquisition. I give you me and I get financial security, household chores, a father for my children and emotional support. My question, is what does she bring to the party? I hear this crap all the time from women. I’m nearing 30, I should do something, I should get married. No you shouldn’t. Settling for less than what you really want is dooming your life to failure. Some of the best marriages I know of were made by people in their 40s and 50s. They waited for the person they wanted to be with. They didn’t settle. And in the end I think they’re light years ahead of Ms. Gottlieb and her ilk.

Long shot adds star power – Nader tabs ‘Mini-Me’ as running mate

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader chose a running mate last Friday.

The rumpled narcissist announced his selection is Vern Troyer, 39, the noted character actor who is perhaps best known for his role as Mini-Me in the “Austin Powers” comedies.

The Ticket
Nader introduces his Mini-Nader
“You complete my ticket”

At a press conference introducing Troyer to the media, Nader said he was optimistic a Nader-Troyer ticket could win as much as one meeellion votes. “Our plan to outfit the White House cabinet room with chutes that empty into a basement incinerator will create the kind of accountability the people want,” Nader said.

Troyer appeared yesterday on NBC’s Meet The Press, where host Tim Russert quizzed the man who would be Nader’s vice president about a range of issues, from short term interest rates (“What do you mean, ‘short’?”), to federal mining policy (“A fleet of super drilling ships that can tunnel to the Earth’s core”), and how a Nader administration would deal with Congress (“They SHALL bow down before us!”).

Asked by Russert what action he would take if, for example, he was called upon to conduct diplomacy with a despot such as Kim Jong-Il of North Korea, Troyer responded that he “would not set preconditions for talks, and seek to create understanding between our two peoples. Then I would bite Kim on the leg.”

Asshole of the Week – Attorney General Michael Mukasey

After announcing his decision not to refer ‘Contempt of Congress’ citations against Josh Bolton and Harriet Miers to a grand jury, Kvatch Kopf reached the Attorney General at CRAP, the annual Conference and Retreat for Administration Peons.

Kvatch: Mr. Attorney General, the Supreme Court has on a number of occasions, upheld ‘Contempt of Congress’ as a necessary tool that supports the legislative in its oversight role. So on what basis did you decide that the DoJ is free to refuse to prosecute the citation?

Mukasey: Well Kvatch, as you know the Bush Administration operates under the theory of the ‘Unitary Executive’. Consequently we’re not required to comply with the nonsensical demands of Congress.

Kvatch: But Mr. Attorney General, the Constitution does not recognize the ‘Unitary Executive’. So what you’re doing would essentially be…unconstitutional.

Mukasey: Yes…well…I think there was a signing statement on this. I’ll have to check, but I’m sure that President Bush, in this time of war, gets to do whatever he damn well pleases. And, after all, the Constitution is just a ‘…damn piece of paper’.

Kvatch: But you know that this makes you look like just another slimy administration tool, not to mention a bit of an asshole.

Mukasey: Of course I do, Kvatch. But everything is relative, right? Look at the two AGs whom I followed into this position.

Kvatch: Well you do have a point there.