Category Archives: Health

Conservatives have rally safety concerns – Alarmed at cam-toting liberals

Conservative protesters are feeling threatened by pro-health insurance reform liberals who are coming to congressional and presidential town hall meetings with holstered video cameras strapped to their hips. So says an organizer of the anti-health insurance protesters who march outside the public forums.

“It sends the wrong message in our society,” said former Texas Congressman Dick Armey, now Executive Director of the Pinkies Up Tea Party Coalition, which describes itself as “a patriotic front.”

Armey is speaking out after his members contacted him about pro-reform counter-protesters carrying cameras in the open. One man came to a rally in Raleigh, North Carolina, with a Sony HDR-CX520V slung over his shoulder. The incidents make Armey’s fellow conservatives nervous.

“Cameras are so small now they can be easily concealed under a coat or in a bag,” said Armey. “Suppose a conservative is shouting down the public option. Tensions rise. Heated words are exchanged. Next thing you know, a liberal pulls out a camera and: bang. A patriotic Republican gets splattered all over the blogosphere,” he said.

Shirley A. Nutt of Westmost, North Carolina, says she is worried at the potential of running into camera-wielding Democrats at rallies, forums, and other chances to disrupt public discourse. “Takin’ my picture is the kind of threat of violence we’ve come to expect from anti-gun, anti-death penalty, anti-war liberals,” she declared.

“Besides, it steals little bits of my soul,” Nutt added.

Law enforcement officials in North Carolina say there are no laws against openly carrying video cameras in public. “Or concealed ones, for that matter,” said Sheriff Andrew Taylor of Mayberry. Taylor went on to say: “What I’m seeing a lot are people carrying concealed intellects.”


Worries over safety
A recent victim of a camera-wielding assailant.

Obama health plan points the way – Now entire government could become co-ops

Only days after signaling it is willing to drop a public option from a health care reform package, the Obama administration is indicating that it is willing to end the public option for the entire federal government as well.

“If moving away from public options is how things are going to get through Congress, we’re going to look hard at it as a best practice,” President Obama said today at a town hall-style forum in Washington DC’s Capitol Hill neighborhood.

Capitol Hill was chosen for the event by administration strategists as a test of the president’s coattails. The area was strong for Obama in last November’s election, but has recently seen a large amount of gentrification resulting from reverse “white flight” from the K Street district.

Although a clearly well-heeled audience, many in attendance at the meeting exhibited the boisterousness that has materialized at many such forums held by senators and representatives during their August break. One man, Cent Konrad of Bismarck, North Dakota, shouted out several times until he got Obama’s attention.

“Since insurance corporations can’t compete against a public option, what about the rest of government — which is public by definition and therefore socialist? What other corporations are having their freedom restricted?” Konrad challenged Obama.

Obama moved quickly to reassure Konrad’s concerns. “Public options are not the entirety of government, any more than it is the entirety of health care reform,” Obama said. “This is just one sliver, one aspect of it.”

Following his remarks concerning best practice, Obama added that he is looking with increasing favor on applying the so-called “co-op” alternative to a wide range of government programs, to which another man, Bax Maucus of Helena, Montana, responded favorably.

“I really like co-ops because co-op means cooperating with private corporations. That’s what 45% of the American people voted for, and it’s what 40% of the Senate will allow,” said Maucus, who later identified himself to reporters as “just a concerned citizen.”

Obama told Maucus he would do all he can to press for co-op solutions. “During my four years as a senator, I learned from Harry Reid that majority opinion cannot determine American policy. So we’re not going to bow to the majority on health insurance, not on withdrawal from Iraq, not on the economy, and not on our foreign policy,” said the president.

Obama then personalized the issue by relating a recent experience he had with co-operating. “When I was going to get my girls a dog, we proposed a public pound option — a nice beagle, let’s say,” recalled the president.

“But Mitch McConnell called the public pound option socialistic, and he reminded Malia that a bureaucrat would stand between her and her choice of dog,” Obama said. “So we co-operated, and got a Portuguese water dog from a private source.”

“A co-op solution worked for Portuguese water dogs, so I think this proves co-ops deserve a chance to solve our health insurance crisis,” he said.

The co-op approach is seeing an uptick in the opinion polls for Obama. A telephone survey of residents of Pyongyang, North Korea, shows 100% support if the president were to convert the U.S. State Department into a co-op.

Conservatives oppose forcible health – “Save our freedom to be sick”

(Upland, CA) Members of Congress from coast to coast are having their eyes opened this week, as they hear from constituents opposed to health care reform.

“We’re speaking out to save our freedom to be sick,” said Dee Fibrilasian, one of many self-described ‘sickers’ — people who believe illness is a right.

Fibrilasian and like-minded sickers turned out here in force Monday for a midday town hall meeting held by 54th District Representative Dino Frandle, a member of the House Democratic ‘blue dog’ coalition. They hooted, hollered and booed as Frandle expressed cautious support for reforms that would cover additional Americans while leaving intact the private insurance system.

“Forcibly insuring more people is the opposite of the direction we should be headed,” shouted one woman who declined to give her name because, she explained, she had called in sick to be able to attend the meeting.

“What will happen to our sick leave, if socialized Obamacare makes sure we are too healthy to use it?” she wondered. She went on to say she feared she might have to quit one of her three jobs, if cheaper insurance made it possible for employers to raise pay.

Fibrillasian said she agreed with statements former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made on her Facebook page, alleging reform would lead to government ‘death panels’ pruning high-cost senior citizens and the developmentally disabled from insurance pools. “What makes government think it can kill people better than the private sector?” Fibrilasian asked.

After the town hall meeting Rep. Frandle said he was impressed by the turnout and by the forceful way the sickers stated their opinions. “They were certainly loud,” he said as he departed for a luncheon, a reelection fundraiser with employees of Aetna and Pfizer.

INSURANCE LOBBY SHOOTS PUBLIC OPTION – $170M smoking gun found at scene

The public option was shot by the health insurance lobby today at the U.S. Capitol, in full view of shocked, shocked representatives and senators.  Activity on the capitol campus was halted for hours, although no one noticed any difference.

The health reform proposal was rushed to the emergency room at the Executive Office Building, where it remains in critical condition.

Police arrested the health insurance lobby at the scene. “I’m just a corporate personhood activist trying to protect profits and the sanctity of corporate life,” he shouted as he was wrestled into a fundraiser for Rep. Mike Ross (D-Blue Cross).

A weapon believed used in the attack was recovered at the scene, said by police to be a $170 million double-barreled Influence Special.

Sen. Max Baucus (D-Schering-Plough) denounced the shooting as “abhorent,” but said he continues to support a pro-corporate life movement that seeks to achieve its goals peacefully. “Life begins at incorporation, everyone agrees on that,” Baucus said.

In other news, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell today announced his opposition to First Lady Michele Obama’s new shorter hairstyle. “This will put the government between Americans and their hair stylists,” warned McConnell.

“Only your hairdresser should know for sure,” McConnell added.

Ask An Ex-Governor: Oppose French-style medicine

by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist
by SARAH PALIN, Syndicated Columnist

Dear Ex-Governor,
I’m vaguely apprehensive of the public option. What should I know in order to spread irrational fear about it?
Congressman Rick Larsen, (D?-WA)

Dear Rick,
You’re right (hard right!) to be scared, because what Barack Hussein Obama and the Democrat Party are going to ram down our throats is socialized medicine, also, too, the growing of the size of government, such as Big Government, such as the kind of Big Socialist Governments in Canada and Europe where they have health care for all, which also, too, is where they speak French — I’ll tell ya we don’t want that kind of French or French Canadian style health care, as your doctor would talk to you only in French or Canadian, and Americans don’t want a translator standing between you and your doctor, at least until Aetna figures out how to make money off it.

GOP gains health care ally – Mafia cites experience with “socialized protection”

Congressional Republicans got a boost today in their battle against President Obama’s work on health care reform — and from a surprising source.

Speaking this morning at a joint press conference, GOP House and Senate leaders said their legislative work will be supported by a grassroots outreach campaign by the Minding Our Business (MOB) Foundation, a new 501(c)(3) nonprofit arm of the Mafia.

“All we is saying is, give competition a chance,” said Luigi Mezzosoprano, MOB spokesman.

Mezzosoprano said his bosses “are concerned that Big Government will do to health care what it has done to the private protection racket.” He said they were brought into contact with high level Republicans by former California Rep. Randall “Duke” Cunningham, now a guest of the Federal government.

“The liberal do-gooders call it law enforcement, but what it’s done is put armed bureaucrats between you and your neighborhood underboss. It’s criminalized community protection, one of our oldest and biggest cash businesses,” said Mezzosoprano.

“Now they want to ‘reform’ (air quotes) our biggest earner of all, our family-owned health insurance carriers. Well the MOB says enough! We ain’t going to stand by and accept a repeat of socialized protection,” he said.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell welcomed the MOB’s activism, calling it “public spirited.”

“They have convinced me after a private, very persuasive sit-down, as they call them, that the five families are doing this to help the American people avoid accidental but avoidable injuries. And the Republican Party is all about family values,” McConnell said.

A tearful Rep. John Boehner of Ohio, the House Minority Leader, echoed McConnell’s praise of the MOB, saying: “I’ll do whatever you want; just stop calling my home, you’re scaring my wife.”

Between The Patient And The Doctor

The last thing in the world I think Democrats and Republicans are going to do at the end of the day is create a government-run healthcare system where you’ve got a bureaucrat standing in between the patient and the doctor.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

And that’s the whole problem…putting a bureaucrat between the patient and the doctor would displace the blood-sucking parasite that currently occupies that position, the insurance company.

Kvatch

And thus we see how our representatives, Democrats and Republicans alike, will scuttle health care reform. They’ll call it a matter of access, a matter of choice, a matter of money. They’ll tell us that we’ll be better off keeping things as they are, while another 30 million over the next decade loose access to coverage.

THIS IS THE F*CKING PLAN!!!…do anything to continue to line the pockets of insurers, the one constituency that has a vested interest in making sure that people can’t obtain care or, when they do, have to foot the bill themselves. Don’t fool yourselves, American workers are about to be hung out to dry even though 72% of us would prefer a single-payer, or at least government sponsored, system.

Cheney wants to be swine flu czar – Would torture pigs to uncover plots

Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government’s response to the swine flu pandemic.

As swine flu czar, Cheney will use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.

“Let’s be frank here. The homeland is under threat,” warned Cheney.

“The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them,” Cheney said.

Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. “So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack.”

Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, “is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal.”

Cheney - ready to grill our enemies
Cheney - ready to grill our enemies

According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used.

Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.

Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.

Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.

In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. “Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd,” Limbaugh said.

To This We Have Been Reduced – Organ Barter

The American medical system is a shambles. This is not news to anyone who deals with a chronic illness or who has experienced a serious medical incident. And no class of people have it more rough than those who, for whatever reason, are waiting for an organ transplant. Chronic shortages of organs, baroque systems for matching donors to recipients, omnipresent (but rarely discussed) favoritism toward the wealthy and the famous, all combine to make the organ location and donation process a nightmare.

So now…desperate patients and their families are turning to the equivalent of ‘organ personals’ for locating available, and altruistic, donors because, in the US at least, federal law makes the sale of one’s organs a crime—a safeguard that is supposed to remove any advantage that the wealthy might enjoy. (Though, the ability to spend money on the search for a compatible donor gives the wealthy an inherent advantage.)

And predictably, mechanisms like Craigslist bring out the wackos who are willing to trade their organs if the price is right, federal law be damned. An artist offers his kidney in exchange for the purchase of $250,000 worth of his paintings. A foreigner offers his kidney in exchange for relocation to the United States, all expenses paid.

In this economy, one has to ask how long it will be before the the necessities of life—food, shelter, heat—become the commodities that one’s organs might purchase. Sounds like some kind of extreme dystopian nightmare, right? Sure it does, but who could have imagined that someone would trade their kidney for an all expense paid trip to a country on the verge of a financial ‘Dark Age’?

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