Tag Archives: anti-choice

Stupak offers compromise – Coverage of premature ejaculation treatment could delay abortions “by as much as 6-7 minutes”

Anti-abortion congressman Bart Stupak today notified fellow Democrats that he is willing to modify his controversial health care reform amendment restricting abortion funding.

The Michigan 1st District representative hopes to improve chances his restrictions will be in the final version of reform after reconciliation with the version that will come out of the Senate, which is about to begin floor debate.

Stupak’s amended amendment would add the guarantee for all Americans of universal coverage for treatment of premature ejaculation.

“Guaranteeing access to P.E. treatment would limit abortions by as much as 6 to 7 minutes, each, but doesn’t further restrict women’s reproductive rights,” he said.

“This represents pro-life Americans extending a hand of compromise to pro-death Americans, the kind of compromise abortion foes are all about,” Stupak said magnanimously.

However, his compromise is drawing the ire of one leader of the pro-life movement.  Operation Rescue founder Randall Terry said delaying ejaculation interferes with conception.  “Putting it off by 6 or 7 minutes, that’s delaying the creation of sacred life and therefore unacceptable,” said Terry.

“Besides, without premature ejaculation I wouldn’t have the anger and self-loathing that drives my anti-abortion crusade,” Terry said.

Stupak’s amendment cuts medical costs – Bars coverage for all procedures

Rep. Bart Stupak (D-MI) today asked his Democratic colleagues to stay united on health care reform legislation, and support the current version of the legislation even if they have objections to the abortion-restricting amendment he authored.

The version that passed the House 220-215 on Saturday contained an amendment offered by Stupak prohibiting funds for abortions in a public insurance plan, as well as any private plan purchased in a public exchange. This has angered over 40 liberal members, who say they will not vote for any House-Senate compromise containing Stupak’s language.

Stupak called on disaffected progressives not to be hasty, urging: “Don’t throw the fetus out with the bathwater.” He said his purpose was to ensure federal dollars didn’t support a legal medical procedure he objects to on religious grounds.

That, he explained, is also the key to providing affordable coverage for all Americans. “My amendment slashes health care costs, abortion proponents never mention that fact,” said Stupak.

Stupak said a section of his amendment prohibits federal funds or coverage purchased on a public exchange from paying for any kind of medical procedure. “This is out of respect for the beliefs of some Christian Scientists — I mean, come on, they pay taxes too,” he said.

Refusing to recognize illnesses means they would no longer exist — solidifying America’s position as having the world’s best medical system, and saving taxpayers trillions of dollars, Stupak said.

However, Stupak’s approach is opposed from the right as well as the left. House Minority John Boehner objects to Stupak’s bill, saying Americans need a minimum of level health insurance. “Insurance should at least pay for the poisonous snakes some charismatic Pentecostal sects use in faith-based disease prevention,” Boehner said.

Opposition to bringing detainees to U.S. – Domestic terrorists against cheap imports

A leading interest group today announced its opposition to President Obama’s plan to bring suspected terrorists housed at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S. for trial.

The group, Theocracy Economics for America – Buy A Gun (T.E.A.-B.A.G.), said bringing detainees to U.S. soil threatens the livelihoods of domestic terrorists.

Riley C. O’Yote, spokesperson for T.E.A.-B.A.G. charged that the White House wants to import cheap, knock off terrorists purchased in the mideast for only $500 each.

“If imported terrorists are allowed to come in and take those jobs, homegrown terrorists might have to leave the non-conspiracy sector and resort to getting educations in dead-end fields like engineering, teaching and software development,” said O’Yote.

O’Yote said he can’t understand why the Obama Administration is bringing foreign insurgents to the U.S., when the focus of economic recovery should be on protecting existing jobs in careers such as militiamen, anti-choice snipers, Klan wannabes, and FOX News commentators.

“If American abortion doctors, women’s clinics, government facilities and infrastructure are going to be threatened, those threats should be issued by American terrorists, earning a living wage,” he said.

Some conservative economists agree with the T.E.A.-B.A.G. argument against imported terrorists. Wayne L. Saltpeter, who studies the ammunition futures market, says the homegrown terror sector needs protection. “This is the one growth industry we have, since the demise of the securitized mortgage bundle.”

“I think people forget that for every Planned Parenthood office, there’s a picket line struggling to meet basic expenses. Full-color posters of aborted fetuses aren’t cheap at Kinko’s,” Saltpeter added.

Saltpeter also touted the enormous economic ripple effect of terror, in sales of ammunition, freeze dried food, and teabags.

However, other conservative experts counter that it is difficult to design a pro-nutjob policy, because the value of the sector is hard to quantify.

“No one really know how much domestic whackos earn, as they don’t file tax returns with the IRS,” says Dr. Hilton Graybar, Endowed Fellow of Penal Studies at the Richard B. Cheney Institute for Penitentary Entrepreneurship.

“It’s probably more than $500, but how much more? Who can say,” Graybar said.

Graybar says the U.S. prison industry would benefit from the Obama policy, due to a high vacancy rate in private prisons. “There was a lot of overconstruction during 2001 through 2008, resulting in the current high vacancy rate,” he said, therefore imported detainees would be an immediate shot in the arm for the prison investment market.