Tag Archives: Bailout

“Where’s my f*cking mortgage check?!”

So first it was the Obama administration with their Home Affordable Modification Program, designed to keep underwater borrowers in their homes by offering them mortgage modifications through their lenders. Now…conservative economists and even a few Republican presidential hopefuls are jumping on the massive, taxpayer-funded, mortgage modification bandwagon—though not out of a sense of compassion for homeowners, but rather the realization that banks, and the economy more generally, need consumers to be consuming, something they can’t do now due to crushing mortgage debt.

But what I want to know—and I don’t really give a damn whether the answer comes from a Democrat or a Republican—is: Where the f*ck is *my* god-damned mortgage relief!?

I’m over here playing by the rules. I bought a house I could afford, even if either the Frogette or I lose our job. I got a good rate; put down the requisite 20%; am busy pumping money into the local economy by refurbishing and renovating a 90 year home that was desperately in need of serious work. I’m doing every freakin’ thing those ass-wipes in the Obama administration or the RNC could possibly expect, but will I see even one penny from a new mortgage relief program? NOT BLOODY LIKELY!

Now I’m not greedy. I won’t even ask for money in my pocket. How about this: In exchange for another bailout for homeowners who have no money and less sense, I’d like big fat payment toward the installation of a full-up solar generation system with battery backup. In other words, help get me off the grid, and I’ll help get the economy moving again. And, when the Rethuglicans bitch about subsidies for solar energy, President Wuss should be required to tell them to go and F*CK THEMSELVES!!!

Big Three’s Company – Car makers cut costs, move into small Santa Monica apartment

General Motors, Ford Motor Co. and Chrysler have agreed to terms with the government under which the troubled “Big Three” automobile manufacturers would restructure in order to qualify for billions in federal assistance. The chief executives of the three companies made their announcement this morning at a press event in Santa Monica, California.

Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli said after his company emerges from reorganization it will partner with Italy’s Fiat, giving Chrysler access to the investment funds of certain Sicilian family businesses. “They’re more ethical and public-spirited than the hedge funds we’ve been dealing with,” said Nardelli.

Ford President Alan Mulally gave an extensive Powerpoint presentation about how there has been absolutely nothing funny about his company since the Pinto.

And GM’s J.O. Sampson said he intends to focus on the ongoing search for “the real killers of the electric car.”

In an unexpected move, all three companies will increase efficiencies by unifying their management and professional workforces. Over the next two years they will consolidate their sprawling, expensive Detroit headquarters operations into a single location in Santa Monica.

Mulally, Sampson and Nardelli said they slipped into this southern California oceanside community last weekend in search of a suitable new headquarters, quickly signing a lease on a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment a short distance from the beach.

New HQ for car makers
New HQ for car makers

Larry Fiat, Fiat’s head of North America business development, has secured an apartment upstairs in the same building.

The chief executives say they look forward to becoming part of their new community once they get settled. “Come and knock on our door, we’ll be waiting for you,” Mulally said.

Santa Monica stands to benefit from additional retail activity and business taxes. Stanley Roper, the Big Three’s new landlord, was upbeat. “Newcomers are always welcome in my building. As long as there’s no funny business, if you know what I mean,” Roper said, mincing.

Roper
Roper

Geithner looks to Hollywood for help – New letter-ratings system for financial products

Countering criticism that the Obama economic team is out of touch, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner issued new protocols today affecting investor services companies. Based upon the system for rating motion pictures, the new rules mandate use of letter grades to rate stocks, securities and financial institutions.

Until now, companies such as Moody’s and Standard & Poors have collected, analyzed and disseminated information about the risks of corporate and government investment offerings, as well as the strength of banks. However, this system failed to provide warning of the collapse of major financial institutions.

“Companies that were supposed to give accurate information about risks like bundled mortgage-backed securities failed,” said Treasury spokesperson Bill Dollarhide.

For a solution, Dollarhide said Sec. Geithner has turned to Hollywood. Beginning May 1, investments and government bonds will be assigned risk ratings of G, PG, R, NC-17 or X.

“This is a simple labeling system that is easier for investors to understand, as well as providing opportunities to innovate Wall Street,” said Dollarhide.

He said investments might be promoted in new ways. For example, instead of issuing a prospectus, a corporation might promote its stock through poster campaigns and action-oriented trailers.

Dollarhide also said corporations would be more likely to premiere blockbuster stock offerings in the summer and Thanksgiving weekend. Riskier, more intellectual investments would debut in December in order to qualify for the following year’s Academy Award nominations.

The New Ratings for Investments:

G “Grandma.” So safe even your Grandma could invest in it.

PG “Passably Good.” Low Risk, could earn enough over 15 years to pay for your kid’s tuition to a community college.

PG-13 “Possibly Good-13.” Low-Moderate Risk, suitable to give as Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts.

R “Reamed.” A High Risk investment

NC-17 “No Credit-17.” Seventeen weeks after purchase your credit rating will go into the toilet.

X “X.” Invest in this and you’ll get screwed.

Feds issue salmonella recall alert – Tainted corporate bonuses being returned

Anxious executives of insurance giant American International Group are turning in millions of dollars in bonuses today following last weekend’s issuance of a federal recall on the bonuses, citing danger of
salmonella contamination.

Salmonella is an infection that can be contracted from poorly washed or laundered money. Contamination affects the money as well as the things it is used to purchase, such as foreign sports cars, luxury vacations, summer homes, members of Congress, and prostitutes. Discovery of infection is accompanied by rashes of public outrage and feverish Congressional posturing.

Concern mounted last week, when severe cases of bad vibes swept through the upper management of AIG. By Friday, executives who had received $165 million worth of bonuses were reporting clusters of protesters around their enlarged homes. The government issued the recall yesterday.

Federal financial health officials said AIG executives should return the bonuses to the Treasury Department for a 10% refund.

The source of contamination has been traced to a defective thermostat in the accounting department used to store federal bailout money.

“AIG!” becomes official shriek of Peanuts

Desperate to repair its sinking image in the face of public outrage over $160 million in executive bonuses, American International Group announced today it has negotiated a marketing agreement in which the troubled insurance giant will align its troubled brand with that of the beloved Peanuts comics characters.

The deal is worth an estimated $300 million to MetLife Insurance, which has partnered with the Charles Schultz characters for decades. Officers of both companies held a brief morning ceremony to cement the agreement, after which they went yacht shopping.

The first AIG ad to feature the Peanuts gang — based on one of the feature’s longest-running gags — hit the streets by midday: “AIG!” on Charlie Brown’s lips, as Lucy pulls away the football.

AIG spokeswoman Paulina R. Flack said the deal is a good investment in the future. “A strategic alliance with family-friendly cartoon characters means goodwill and warm-fuzzies for AIG, and it is well known that Wall Street operates on confidence,” said Flack.

“We are aware of the importance of being responsible in spending the federal government’s 80% stake in AIG, we think the people will be pleased at how we are turning things around,” she said.

Flanders
Flanders

Administration critics are not so sure. “This is an outrageous example of socialism!” declared Rep. Ned Flanders (R-Ohio).

“Peanuts are ultra-liberal, pinko, secular characters. AIG needs to answer why they ignored the myriad conservative or religious cartoons,” he said.

Flanders cited Family Circus, Mallard Fillmore, and the Calvin praying to the cross logo as “examples of cartoons that real Americans want to see funded by their precious tax dollars.”

AIG shaves bailout sum – Company finds billions in sofa cushions

Troubled insurer American International Group announced today it will need only $18 billion in a fourth installment of emergency federal aid, not the $30 billion announced Monday. The announcement came after AIG says an internal audit discovered an additional $12 billion in company funds.

“During the review, the auditors discovered $500 million in the sofa cushions of their temporary offices,” explained AIG spokeperson Janet Rasacheck.

“A company-wide email asking all employees to check their sofas subsequently uncovered another $10.5 billion,” Rasacheck said.

Rasacheck also said that AIG Chairman and CEO Edward Liddy found $1 billion he had forgotten about in the pocket of a windbreaker he last wore in September, bringing the total to $12 billion.

At the White House, President Obama applauded AIG for emphasizing reform and responsibility, according to press secretary Robert Gibbs. “The president says AIG’s efforts should serve as an example for business and government leaders. He has also ordered the Government Accountability Office to examine the Bush Administration’s office furniture now in storage. Hank Paulson’s sofa might turn up a few billion,” said Gibbs.

In other news, the Iraqi government today reported finding $5 billion in a dryer lint trap in the laundryroom of the former American Embassy.

Bush helps Obama – Asks Congress to release blue tarp funds

President Bush yesterday agreed to a request from President-elect Obama to ask Congress for the remaining $350 billion from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) fund. Sources with Obama’s transition office explained Bush has been asked to take the action so that the bailout money would be available when Obama takes office next Tuesday.

Moving quickly, the White House made the request Tuesday afternoon. In a message to Congressional leaders attached to the request, Bush asked the House Financial Services Committee to release “the second half of the tarp funds.”

“Dear Snaggletooth,” the message opened, with Bush using his nickname for Chairman Barney Frank (D-MA).

“By releasing these funds now, the people of New Orleans will be able to purchase more blue tarps to keep the rain out of their homes, and give them a chance to bail out the rain water,” wrote Bush.

“Anything I can do to help my successor make his job more easier, so release them funds now please, thank you,” Bush concluded.

McCain renews call for bipartisan bailout – Connecticut For Lieberman Party joins coalition

Seeking to salvage the $700 billion Wall Street bailout bill that went down to defeat Monday in the House of Representatives, Senator John Sidney McCain III today called for continued bipartisan cooperation to secure the bill’s passage.

But McCain gave a characteristically maverick spin to his call for unity, reaching across the aisle not to the Democratic majority, but to the next largest minority caucus, the Connecticut For Lieberman Party.

“Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process,” said McCain, referring to Democratic rival Barack Obama,  in describing why the bailout failed 205-228.

“So that doesn’t work. Okay. I’m adaptable. Therefore what we need is a process with necessary partisanship, and that means an alliance between Republicans and Connecticut For Lieberman,” McCain said.

Senator Joe Lieberman (Connecticut For Lieberman-CT), Connecticut For Lieberman leader in the Senate, welcomed the opportunity to make a difference. “The Connecticut For Lieberman Party accepts Senator McCain’s invitation,” said Lieberman.

“We look forward to a constructive, bipartisan relationship that will allow us to achieve great things for the states of Connecticut and Israel,” Lieberman said.

Lieberman went on to say that although the Connecticut For Lieberman Congressional Caucus only has two members, they have a proven strategy for increasing its clout.

“Free market principles are guiding us in that area,” said Lieberman, explaining that he and House counterpart Brian Baird (Connecticut For Lieberman-WA) will use investment leverage, borrowed from the very financial community they hope to rescue, in order to give their two votes the power of up to 80 votes.

“It’s a very safe investment of political capital,” Lieberman said.

Economics For 5 Year Olds

Why does Bush’s bailout defense speech read like he’s explaining the Wall Street meltdown to a 5 year old? Oh…wait. I get it. That’s how it was explained to him. Though, I have to say, the part that was most ridiculous was where he delivered his dire warnings about the R-word:

Even if you have good credit history, it would be more difficult for you to get the loans you need to buy a car or send your children to college. And, ultimately, our country could experience a long and painful recession.

I doubt that Bush is worried over much about us, the so-called ‘Non-wealthy Americans‘. Because the plain and simple fact is: WE’RE ALREADY SUFFERING IN A RECESSION YOU BLITHERING IDIOT! The market are down 28% year over year. Unemployment is skyrocketing—above 7% now in California and projected to go higher. Tent cities are springing up for the displaced. The only people not suffering are the f*ckos who created this mess, and I get the feeling that Americans are in a mood to spread the misery. Especially if it will teach Bush’s pals on Wall Street a lesson they won’t soon forget.

Bush’s speech was as hollow as his philosophy. The only recession he’s worried about is the one that will cause the value of his portfolio to go down, the one that will put the breaks on donations to GOP coffers. As Gary Hart once put it:

I know why you are conservatives — you favor private enterprise for the poor and socialism for the rich.