Tag Archives: Barack Obama

Obama, Pelosi pay $2500 for $500 Dodge van – Plan summer Apology Tour

President Barack Obama and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi followed yesterday’s passage of federal health care reform legislation by purchasing a 1985 Dodge Astrovan for $2500. The van was put up for sale for $500 in the Washington Post classifieds by Ms. Ina Surance of Hartford, Connecticut.

Obama and Pelosi will use the van during a June nationwide Apology Tour — two weeks driving from Washington, DC to California, stopping along the way to apologize to the Democratic base for the health care overhaul, which:

  • lacks a public option
  • mandates Americans to buy health insurance from for-profit companies
  • subsidizes coverage by giving taxpayer dollars to insurance companies
  • fails to repeal antitrust immunity for insurance companies, and
  • does not bar preexisting conditions for group insurance plans, and
  • leaves intact the geographic disparity in Medicare reimbursement rates

This morning Obama and Pelosi went before the Washington press corps to celebrate the van deal. Obama described his negotiating strategy: “When I saw the van was $500, I immediately offered Ms. Surance $600. When she said $500 was all it was worth, I kept bidding it up until finally she agreed to accept five times her asking price,” Obama said.

The Speaker agreed it was a good compromise. “We could have taken the Amtrak public option, coast to coast for $524 in USA Rail Passes. Except Rahm Emanuel agreed with Mitch McConnell beforehand that we wouldn’t do that,” she said.

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

Journey rushed to hospitals after Democrats stop believin’

Current and past members of the 1970s-80s supergroup Journey were separately rushed to hospitals Friday after millions of Democrats stopped believin’. Doctors say supporters of President Obama stopped holding on to the feelin’ after Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated she would not insert the public option into health care reform reconciliation legislation now in the House.

In his Saturday weekly radio and internet address, President Obama urged streetlights, people hold on.

The end of believin’ sent shockwaves up and down the boulevard between the White House and Capitol Hill. Democrats, neighbors and strangers from coast to coast who have been waiting for real health care reform vented their displeasure at the White House and Democratic Congressional leaders, jamming switchboards of progressive talk radio and overloading servers of Daily Kos and Huffington Post.

Signs that Journey was being affected became public after former lead singer Steve Perry was admitted to South Detroit Medical Center suffering from extremely bad vibes. Shortly afterward reports circulated that guitarist Neil Schon, drummer Steve Smith and bassist Randy Jackson were in California emergency rooms suffering from similar symptoms.

“The acute musician senses picked up on Democratic disillusionment that is sweeping the country,” said Dr. Maya Ize of the National Institutes of Rock & Roll Health. “The increase in people not believin’ was too much negative energy for current and former Journey members, resulting in a rise of bad vibes to near-toxic levels,” Dr. Ize said.

Health care reform activists regretted the impact on Journey, but said Democrats have stopped believin’ in President Obama’s health care reform effort. “We were believin’ Obama when he campaigned on health care reform and the public option,” said Franklin Delano Frandle, spokesman for People for the Unethical Treatment of Insurance Companies, a group favoring a single payer system.

“But after more than a year of delay in Washington, we no longer have open arms for the Obama approach. We fear a deal has been made in a smokey room between Congress and insurance lobbyists,” he said, adding: “citizens facing escalating insurance rates can’t afford to pay anything to roll the dice.”

Independent Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont agrees on the need for a public option. “Without a public option it won’t be real reform. Some will win, some will lose, and some will sing the blues,” said Sanders.

“There has to be a public insurance option to compete with private insurance, otherwise this midnight train isn’t goin’ anywhere,” he said.

In other news, the woman at the center of the John Edwards scandal says she is penniless. In a photo spread for GQ, Rielle Hunter revealed how Elizabeth Edwards has actually sued Hunter’s pants off.

Obama back on track after new rule bars texting while presidenting

President Barack Obama’s year-old administration is back on track this week, after the advent of new federal rules that bar texting while presidenting.

The January 25 rulemaking modifies a 2002 regulation issued by the Bureau of Inertia that required commanders-in-chief spend at least 10 hours a day on the then-new social media websites such as Friendster and Cyworld. President George W. Bush put the rule to good use immediately in 2002, logging on at AsianAvenue.com (now AsianAve) to apologize to China for laws of physics that allowed a U.S. surveillance plane to become airborne, collide with a People’s Liberation Army interceptor jet, and crash land on Hainan Island.

“This change brings federal regulations into line with what we now know — that while it can be a convenient and fun way to communicate, texting is a significant distraction. It takes a president’s eyes off the road ahead and affects reaction time,” said Michele Obama of the powerful White House Office of Michele Policy. She gave reporters several examples of the effect of distracted presidenting, including President Obama’s decision to let Congress take the lead on health care reform, forgetting to end Don’t Ask Don’t Tell during 2009, and the entire eight years of the Bush administration.

The benefits of the texting restriction were readily seen last week, as the president was persuasive and on-message for his first State of the Union address Wednesday. Then on Friday at the House Republicans Retreat he was focused, and did not shy from pointing out inconsistencies and factual errors in critics’ arguments. “OMG- BHO totes pwned us. C me n Billo face on Factor 2nite,” Minority Whip Eric Cantor acknowledged to his Twitter followers.

Old habits can be hard to break, however. President Obama picked up his Blackberry on Saturday while taking in the Georgetown-Duke basketball game. As a result of the distraction, he failed to take preemptive action to prevent television coverage of Rush Limbaugh dancing at Sunday’s Miss America pageant.

In other news, conservative Tea Party activists outraged over Senator-elect Scott Brown’s support for Roe v. Wade were frustrated today in their efforts to lynch Brown in effigy using teabag strings.

State of the Union – Obama expected to outline failures for the rest of 2010

President Obama will use his first State of the Union address tonight to say he has learned a great deal in the first year of his administration. An advance outline of the speech reveals he will tell the American people and a joint session of Congress that lessons learned from those failures will help shape failures during his second year in office.

The theme will be ‘if you are disappointed by the failure of health care reform, you ain’t seen nothing yet.’

The president is still fine tuning his remarks, but true to his reputation for bipartisanship he is expected to include many Republican applause lines. The text is said to currently include the sentence, ‘our failures will get bigger and stupider, each more maddeningly boneheaded than the one preceding it.’

Foreign policy

• The president will ask Israel to allow a homeland for the Palestinians, but will settle for a disused mini-golf course in East Jerusalem.
• The CIA will orchestrate a separatist movement in the Burgundy region of France, straining relations with the European Union.
• The State Department will act to negotiate peace between Apple and Amazon in the tablet war.

War on Terror

• Obama will propose uniting Pakistan and Afghanistan into one country, ‘Pakanistan,’ so U.S. Predator drones will no longer need to worry about which side of the border they’re on.

• Air travelers concerned about being recorded by whole-body millimeter wave scanners will be offered new privacy protections: scan-reflecting thongs and, for women, tassels.

Economy and Trade

• Covert funding of the aforementioned Burgundian separatist movement will result in guerrilla action in the vicinity of Dijon. Supplies of mustard will be interrupted, rippling through the U.S. hamburger, hot dog, and stadium concessions sectors.

• The president will announce that leading economic indicators are predicting the only thing stimulated in the economy this year will be John and Elizabeth Edwards’ divorce lawyers.

Discussion of domestic policy must include the issue that bedeviled the first 12 months of Obama’s administration: health care reform, which he is almost certain to relate to the recently announced three-year non-defense spending freeze.

Obama is likely to sell the freeze as a way to guarantee there will be no way to fund any public insurance solution. This pledge will be called ‘insurance for insurance companies.’

He will also call on Congress to allow banks to review and edit legislation on banking regulation and investor protection. A proposal for federally-funded investor protection helmets, with decals designed by Sasha and Malia, could be a big hit with Republican skateboarders.

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Activists hail court ruling, march for corporate marriage rights

President Obama’s new initiative to limit the size of corporations met with stiff resistance from civil rights activists today, following the Supreme Court’s ruling that corporations are entitled to the same right of expression as natural persons.

The ruling buoyed a group of corporate marriage activists marching in front of the White House. Many held placards reading, “Freedom To Merge,” “Adam & Eve and Comcast & NBC,” and “Keep Your Laws Off My Org Chart.”

Corporations who had gathered outside the high court cheered when the 5-4 decision was announced. “We’re close to winning equal rights as people, said Cerberus Capital. “Soon I’ll be able to call my insatiable desire to consume small companies something other than monopoly.”

Cerberus said he and his partners hope to someday start a family and adopt several Congressional oversight committees.

Pastor Jim Phelps, chaplain at the International Monetary Fund Wedding Chapel, has long campaigned for the right for two or more corporations to marry. Phelps hailed the court’s decision as a good first step to full rights for corporate persons. “There can no longer be a compelling interest in government denying corporations in a loving relationship the legal recognition of their monopoly, even if polygamous,” he said.

However, the activists’ cause received a cool reception at the White House.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the president will continue to oppose any pro-corporate marriage laws in Congress. “President Obama intends to devote as much effort into stopping corporate marriage as he has into leading on health care reform,” Gibbs said.

GOP demands Reid quit – Want to give him Steele’s job

Controversy continued to swirl today around comments Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid made during the 2008 campaign about then-Senator Barack Obama, with some Republicans asking Reid to step down.

“This may sound hard to believe, but many people think Barack Obama is a Muslim just because his middle name is Hussein,” Reid is quoted as saying in the book ‘Game Change’ by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, to be released Tuesday. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some people will refuse to believe he’s a U.S. citizen,” Reid is also quoted as saying.

Today Republican leaders echoed chairman Michael Steele’s demand that Reid quit, with a growing number urging that Reid be hired to replace Steele.

“Harry Reid is our kind of guy, based on these comments,” said former Sen. Trent Lott.

“Reid isn’t racist, he’s a realist. Enough of a realist to recognize a lot of the country is deeply divided on race — that’s the kind of political know-how Republicans can use in the top job,” said Lott, the former GOP Senate leader best known for his remarks at the late Sen. Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday party in 2002.

Echoing Lott was Dale Robertson, a founder of the influential Tea Party movement. “Reid is someone who understands our party’s base,” said Robertson.

“Reid is a smart guy who can bring us to a whole new level. He could tutor us in English,” he said.


Robertson
“It’s spelled how? God, I’m such a moran.”

Obama wins Funniest President Award – George W. Bush impression called “eerie”

President Obama has received another prestigious honor to add to his Nobel Peace Prize, the White House announced today.

“The President is thrilled at winning the Funniest President Award,” press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters this morning.

The Funniest President Award was started by the Order Of The Knights Of The Catskills (OKC). They have bestowed it on American commanders-in-chief and foreign heads of state since Herbert Hoover in 1929.

Grand Emcee Mortie Zilberstein said that Obama earned the Funniest President Award for his spot-on impression of former President George W. Bush. “It’s eerie how much Obama is like Bush,” said Zilberstein. He cited such Obama talents as copying Bush on the release of torture photos and opposition to the landmine ban treaty. “And now he’s going to do a troop surge. The resemblance is uncanny!”

Zilberstein further explained that Obama doesn’t have to closely copy Bush’s vocal inflections or mannerisms to be doing an impression. “You don’t have to try to be a doppelganger. Look at Fred Armisten,” he said.

Gibbs said that Obama had hoped he was in the running for the award, and even practiced new Bush material on his recent world tour. “But no one thought he had a chance at the top prize, not with Stephen Harper still in office,” Gibbs said.

In related news, Sarah Palin denied she dropped out early from a Thanksgiving Day charity run.  The former Alaska Governor had pledged to run in the 5K “Turkey Trot” while visiting relatives in Richland, Washington. Palin denied reports she left the race early to avoid fans who had gathered at the finish line. “I was doing a Rosie Ruiz impression,” Palin told the Tri-Cities Herald-Plutonium.

Secret Service investigating party crashers – McConnell, Boehner not on guest list

The U.S. Secret Service is promising a thorough investigation today, following the embarrassing disclosure that a pair of uninvited publicity seekers succeeded in entering last Tuesday’s White House state dinner for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India.

Sen. Mitch McConnell and Rep. John Boehner, the leaders of the Republican minority in the Senate and House respectively, made it past White House security and mixed with politically relevant people.

Photographs posted on their Live Journal page — Boehner in black tie, and McConnell attired in a beautiful, red Indian style gown with gold trim — show the lawmakers chatting with other guests including the First Dog, Bo, and being served cocktails by Vice President Biden.

Security concerns were further raised by photos showing them in the receiving line, greeting the President, First Lady Michelle Obama and Prime Minister Singh. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said there was never any danger to the First Family or their guests. “All guests were screened at the front gate for metal objects and teabags,” said Gibbs.

“The only direct interaction was when John Boehner asked the President directions to the little boys’ room,” Gibbs said, adding
that McConnell and Boehner were not seated at dinner in the main tent. Rather, they had sandwiches at a card table, set up for them in the historic White House Rec Room.

The party crashers are drawing extra media scrutiny due to their being among the subjects of an upcoming reality TV program, CSPAN’s Unreal House Members and Senators of Washington DC. “Our camera crew followed them as they shopped and got dressed to go to the dinner — but we didn’t think they’d actually get in,” said Byron Sheep, CSPAN spokesman.

“We intended for this to be a comedy show about a couple of people who oppose everything the president stands for and want him to fail. Yet still want to be part of the pomp and circumstance, and whine about not being invited,” Sheep said.

Cheney – Norway seeking long-range award launch capability

Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney gave the White House some free foreign policy advice today, warning of a grave new threat to non-peace.

In his first public comments since the Nobel Peace Prize attack of October 9, Cheney said he had informed President Obama that Norway constituted a clear and present danger to America.

“Norway has become the number one threat to the status quo of fear and the war mentality,” said Cheney.

“I warned everyone this would happen if they elected Obama,” he added.

Cheney said the northern European Islamic group al-Nobel has been behind many cases of peace recognition around the world. Now, he says, the 10/9 attack may be just the first in a new wave of peace.

“My secret intelligence source, Blue Ball, says the five-member al-Nobel cell in Oslo has taken control of the Norwegian government,” explained Cheney.

“Even now they are trying to develop a long-range award launch capability. At present, Peace Prize winners must journey to Oslo to accept the award. But a long-range system would let them deliver Peace Prizes anywhere in the homeland,” Cheney said.

A senior former Defense Department official who requested anonymity confirmed Cheney’s information. “Heavens to Betsy, the fact we can’t see any evidence of a long-range al-Nobel capability means it must employ stealth technology,” the source said.

For his part, Cheney is resolute in his desire to alert Americans to the growing Norwegian threat. “We have to attack them now, before we get Peace Prized again.”