A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—
Headline:: California State Senator Announces He’s Gay After DUI Arrest
Translation: Fox & Friends- “DUI makes you gay!”
Headline: Massa says he was forced out so that Democrats can pass health care
Translation: And?
Headline: Former congressman Massa says Democrats set him up over health care
Translation: “Baltar set me up! It was Baltar!”
Headline: Massa exits in a blaze of verbiage
Translation: Much of it Caprican
Translation (Turbo mode): “Terminally ill naked drunk insurance lobbyist set me up, the frakker.”
Headline: Massa was investigated for allegedly groping male staffers
Translation: “Thought I was holding Viper control stick”
Headline: Moderate Drinking Linked to Weight Control
Translation: Conservative drinking leads to outing oneself after DUI stop
Headline: Massa- ‘I Forced Myself Out’ of Congress
Translation: Massa- ‘I outed myself’
Headline: Brown lands HarperCollins for memoir
Translation: To be titled “Going Roguer: Electric Boogaloo”
Translation (Turbo mode): Will be a ‘pictorial’, nudge-nudge
Headline: Have GOP, Democrats finally hit bottom?
Translation: Massa admits groping bottom
