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“Gee whiz, ain’t America neat-o?” Jindal tells America – Transcript

This evening Gov. Bobby Jindal gave the Republican Party’s response to President Barack Obama’s Message to Congress.

Good evening. I’m Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, and gee whiz — ain’t America neat-o?

Tonight, in the very chamber where Congress once voted to abolish slavery, our first African-American president stepped forward to address the state of our union.

Regardless of party, all Americans are moved by the president’s personal story. But what about me? Look at my face. I’m a Republican and a Southerner, but that doesn’t mean I’m a cracker. As the son of Indian immigrants, I’m more properly called a ‘naan-er.’

To quote Ronald Reagan’s favorite comic: “America — what a country!”

I praise the positive spirit of our citizens in weathering these tough times. But the existence of positive spirits means, logically, that there also must be negative spirits that require solutions. Republicans are ready to work with the new President to provide those solutions, and the best one is exorcism.

I look forward to sitting down with the President and his administration, assess which of them are possessed by minions of the horned one, and then cast out those satanic entities so that America can get back on the road to prosperity.

Next, we should not be spending precious tax dollars on useless job creation. Instead, we should be fighting government waste.

Waste like federal health insurance for children — those children should get full time jobs with employer-provided benefits.

Maybe those children can find work in one of the new alternative nuclear power plants we should build. Who knows — given enough radiation-induced genetic damage, maybe the next generation will be literally green.

And if government insurance for unproductive kids is wasteful, we really can’t have any federal bureaucrats stand between Americans and their doctors. Everyone knows it’s actuaries who should control access to health care.

We must cut waste like the National Hurricane Center and FEMA, whose existence unfairly raised expectations about the Bush Administration’s response to Hurricane Katrina.

More examples of waste are our public schools, which should be privatized and run the Republican way. We need to deregulate the schools and abolish the Department of Education. Then we sell failing schools to Bank of America and Chase, and bundle good schools together with securitized high risk assets.

Above all, America’s economy will recover if we all take more personal responsibility. Unemployed? Sick? Uneducated? Urban liberal? We can only help you if there’s anything left after we help the banks.

In other words, it’s every man — and barefoot, pregnant woman — for themselves.

I look forward to meeting with the President to discuss the many challenges facing our country, as well as to compare original birth certificates.

Thank you. May god bless you, the state of Louisiana, and the South shall rise again!