Tag Archives: bristol palin

Baked Alaskan By Todd Palin – Where’s MY apology?

It’s been a tough week for Family Palin. But we were finally able to put one in the win column now that Willow finally got her apology from Dave Letterman.

Baked Alaskan
I found out what happened when I got back yesterday from my annual baby whale hunting trip.

I didn’t even have a chance to unload the depth charge launcher from the back of the 4×4, when Sarah came running to tell me how that East Coast New York Jew elitist so-called comedian said he wanted Alex Rodriguez to impregnate my little Tater Chip (that’s what I call her).

As if we haven’t had enough hardship the past year. Not only do we have a Muslim as president instead of Solid John (that’s what I call him) and a special needs baby at home, but my oldest daughter is a new mom and a widow to boot (you might as well come out of hiding and face the music, Levi — or Dead Man, that’s what I call him).

And now Dave Letterman, biggest star of CBS, the Communist Broadcasting System, is joking about Tater Chip getting knocked up.

Well how dare he! The A-Rod part I don’t care about; I mean, an A-Rod grandkid would be so frickin’ cool. But doesn’t Dave believe young girls should wait at least until Bristol’s age?

Willow’s got an apology. Sarah’s got an apology. Where’s my apology? I’m only the father of the pregnant teenager in question. Don’t I hurt too?

In fact, if Dave wants to really do the right thing, he’d make an honest woman out of Willow himself.

Because otherwise, I’m going to come looking for you, Letterman! You ever duel, boy? Just you and me — crossbows at twenty paces.

It don’t matter if you’re already hitched. We have ways around that in Alaska. I know the governor.

Heck, while I’m at it, I’ve decided I want an apology from you too, Rodriguez. And an autographed bat and glove, and a luxury suite the next time Madonna does a concert in Seattle.

Because respect for family values is what Republicans are all about.

iNews Friday, Technical Difficulties Edition – 3/13/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Margaret Hamburg is President Obama’s pick to run the FDA
Translation: (What is that, a bump? More like a lump. It wasn’t there last week. Hey, I hold my cellphone on that side of my head…)

Headline: Romania president’s flashy daughter seeks EU seat

Translation: Elena Basescu shows her position on the issues

Headline: Kerlikowske is nominated to head nation’s drug control office
Translation: Drug czar relieved appointees no longer receive President-chosen nickname

Headline: Palin’s Teenage Daughter Splits from Father of Her Child

Translation: Gov. Palin buys new shotgun

Translation (Turbo mode): Levi Johnston gets milk for free – Plus 18 years of child support and college tuition

Headline: Obama Establishes White House Council on Women and Girls
Translation: Obama mother-in-law appointed to Greenland-based council

Headline: North Korean alert for “space launch”

Translation: OJ Simpson cast in Capricorn One sequel

You will also be amused by: Bachmann to host “America’s Next Top Michael Steele” – FOX News launches ‘Unreality TV’ genre

Palin daughter is pregnant – Baby has been named Checkers

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin met her first challenge as John Sidney McCain III’s vice presidential running mate on Monday, making a speech on the first day of the Republican National Convention that sought to preempt rumors surrounding her teenage daughter’s pregnancy.

Rumors about the pregnancy of Bristol Palin, 17 and unmarried, surfaced in the 72 hours following Gov. Palin being named to the ticket on Friday. Reports among party faithful that the conception was immaculate gained momentum over the weekend, and Palin decided to confront the issue rather than risk turning her family’s Alaska home into a holy pilgrimage site.

Manifesting to GOP delegates on live closed circuit TV at the Xcel Energy Center, Palin — her hair up in her trademark haystack style and wearing a respectable, Republican cloth coat — denied her pending grandchild’s immaculate conception, and said the Holy Ghost had sworn to her that it was not the father.

But Palin sought to reframe the question, rhetorically asking, “The question isn’t where the ‘seed’ came from, and it’s not even whether we should give it back. The question is — is it morally wrong?”

“Well, it would be. It’s a secret thing, done in secret, hidden from view, under cover, shameful, evil evil evil,” she added.

“But you know what? We’re going to make this joyous news. Bristol already loves her baby, and our youngest girl, Tricia, the six year old, named it Checkers.”

By all accounts the heartfelt, personal nature of the speech, already being called ‘The Out of Wedlock Checkers Speech,’ is helping Palin connect with the Republican base. “She hit it out of the park,” said an enthusiastic Gov. Mitt Romney.

The former GOP candidate said he is seeing a surge of support for Palin at the convention. “The delegates are really behind her. Already there is a movement to find a way for her to spend more time with her wonderful, moral, Christian family. In Alaska,” Romney said.

In related news, conservative religious leader Warren Jeffs has offered to marry Bristol Palin, “in order to do the right thing.”