Tag Archives: brit hume

Brit Hume wins major award – Proselytizer Of The Year at Saddleback Church

Former Fox News anchor Brit Hume on Sunday urged prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to win forgiveness by turning to Christianity, netting the veteran journalist 12 million points and the overall victory in Saddleback Church’s Proselytizer Of The Year Salvation Challenge.

On Fox News Sunday, Hume told Woods he could gain redemption by rejecting Buddhism and accepting Christ, and also take 5 strokes off his game.

The win earns Hume a pair of reserved orchestra-level seats at Saddleback with flattering key lighting for one-year, as well as a parking space, an I Slurred a Major World Religion and All I Got Was This Lousy Baptismal Robe baptismal robe, and free coffee refills at the church samovar.

“Yeah! Jesus kicks Buddha’s ass!” Hume exulted when told of his victory.

Hume did it with a strategy that relied on quantity over quality, says veteran airport proselytizer Krishna Tim.

“The content of the witnessing was pretty standard, focusing on Christianity’s value in athletic contests,” said Tim.

“What carried Hume to victory was that his message was seen not only by Woods, but also by the 3 million people watching on TV and another 9 million who watched the video later at MediaMatters.org,” Tim said. The resulting 12 million proselytizing points led to a wide margin of victory over the other competitors from the Saddleback Sunday School program.

Reaction of Buddhists was predictably compassionate and understanding. But in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama begged to differ with Hume’s views.

“The practice of meditation offers greatly superior mental preparation for golfers,” said media relations officer Sogyal Nicklaus, who cited as proof the victory of Michael O’Keefe over Ted Knight in the film Caddyshack.

Bush legacy caught in massage parlor sting

(Washington) President Bush’s legacy suffered a setback last night, when undercover sheriff’s deputies arrested it in a massage parlor sting in suburban Washington.

The Prince Georges County Sheriff’s Office confirmed that the president’s legacy was among those netted in a vice investigation at the Brit & Charlie’s Spin Palace in Landover.

This morning the White House said the Bush legacy had only been looking for an innocent little massage. “Every president’s legacy needs a little massaging by the end of his term in office, he’s earned it,” said press secretary Dana Perino.

However, the official arrest report indicates the president’s legacy was expecting something more than a back adjustment. “Suspect tried to grope for excuses about pre-war intel, then asked the undercover officer to dress up lies in a fantasy roleplaying scenario,” describes the report.

The arresting officer wrote that the Bush legacy then offered her $500 to screw the historical record, at which point she identified herself as a police officer.

The legacy was booked into the Prince Georges Department of Corrections on investigation of soliciting for a presidential library, and was released on its own recognizance.