Stocks surged today in response to news that giants of the American banking, manufacturing, health, insurance, agriculture and defense sectors have decided to outsource the legislative branch to China, at a cost of 535 American jobs.
The decision is being blamed on the high cost of influencing legislation.
Leading observers say those costs are likely to spike following last week’s Supreme Court ruling removing limits on corporate political spending.
“Even under the old restrictions, influencing Congressional campaigns and legislation already costs us over a billion dollars a year,” said Lydia “Trey” Martini-Lunche of the Commerce And Business Advocacy League.
“Now that corporate persons are allowed to spend even more on influence, we’re going to see upward pressure on prices as influence providers start charging more, and charging for services that are now free — like cash transfers and drive-thru windows,” said Martini-Lunche.
U.S. Chamber of Commerce president Edie T. Amin said legislation can be influenced more efficiently and cheaply in China, while maintaining quality. “There are little old ladies in Xinjiang province who can crank out deregulation bills 18 hours a day, for only $300 a month,” said Amin.
On a positive note, Amin believes most companies will keep a token legislative presence in the U.S., with Senators Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson likely to staff a B2B call center.
A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator
Headline: 11 Networks Plan Benefit Telethon
Translation: Limbaugh outraged- “What am I supposed to watch that night?”
Headline: Brown Wins, Robs Dems Of Filibuster-Proof Majority
Translation: Lieberman Irrelevant
Headline: Sarah Palin to campaign for John McCain in Arizona
Translation: Barack Obama elected Senator from Arizona
Headline: Brown: What happened here ‘can happen all over America’
Translation: GOP plans to ‘Go all over America’
Headline: Whites-only basketball league targets Augusta, GA
Translation: White men can’t jump wearing Klan robes
Headline: Justices Overturn Key Campaign Limits
Translation: “This candidate is made possible by a grant from Mobil Corporation”
Translation (Turbo mode): Nov 2010- 1st corporate person elected Senator from Delaware
Translation (Defcon One mode): Nov 2012- FOX pundit elected 1st fembot President of the United States
Headline: Obama declares war on Too Big To Fail
Translation: Unfortunately, Obama was not too big to fail
Headline: Sen. Landrieu – It’s time to move on from healthcare debate
Translation: Has appointment to roll around in a bed full of lobbyist donations
Headline: US newborns are weighing less, study finds
Translation: “The Pre-Natal Diet” hits #1 on New York Times Best Seller List
President Obama’s new initiative to limit the size of corporations met with stiff resistance from civil rights activists today, following the Supreme Court’s ruling that corporations are entitled to the same right of expression as natural persons.
The ruling buoyed a group of corporate marriage activists marching in front of the White House. Many held placards reading, “Freedom To Merge,” “Adam & Eve and Comcast & NBC,” and “Keep Your Laws Off My Org Chart.”
Corporations who had gathered outside the high court cheered when the 5-4 decision was announced. “We’re close to winning equal rights as people, said Cerberus Capital. “Soon I’ll be able to call my insatiable desire to consume small companies something other than monopoly.”
Cerberus said he and his partners hope to someday start a family and adopt several Congressional oversight committees.
Pastor Jim Phelps, chaplain at the International Monetary Fund Wedding Chapel, has long campaigned for the right for two or more corporations to marry. Phelps hailed the court’s decision as a good first step to full rights for corporate persons. “There can no longer be a compelling interest in government denying corporations in a loving relationship the legal recognition of their monopoly, even if polygamous,” he said.
However, the activists’ cause received a cool reception at the White House.
Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the president will continue to oppose any pro-corporate marriage laws in Congress. “President Obama intends to devote as much effort into stopping corporate marriage as he has into leading on health care reform,” Gibbs said.