Tag Archives: clinton

Clinton “will obliterate Canadian border” – Annexation to bring more primaries, delegates

Refusing to give up her quest for the Democratic Party presidential nomination and bolstered by her wide margin of victory in yesterday’s West Virginia primary, Hillary Rodham Clinton yesterday announced a plan to annex Canada into the United States.

The resulting United States of North America would consist of 50 states, 10 provinces, three northern territories, and — most important to Clinton’s struggling campaign — approximately 1,500 additional Democratic Party convention delegates.

“Everyone knows Barack Obama can’t win the big provinces,” Clinton surrogate Howard Wolfson said on a Canadian news program. “The hard-working Great White North will put Senator Clinton over the top.”

Wolfson detailed the North American strategy last night on Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s The National. “Clinton will obliterate the Canadian border, reuniting sister nations that went separate ways in 1776,” he told anchor Peter Mainsbridge. A schedule of Democratic primaries would quickly be organized and held during June and July, in a joint venture with Canada’s Liberal Party, added Wolfson.

“Make no mistake about it, all the votes must be counted, and the votes of all North Americans will be counted,” he said

Wolfson went on to say that the reunification would be negotiated by a special State Department team. Senator Clinton will seek to have the team led by Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer, said Wolfson.

“Ballmer will propose a corporate-like takeover of Canada — even if it means a hostile takeover. Extremely hostile, if you get my meaning,” Wolfson said.

Mainsbridge questioned how either kind of takeover could be considered feasible, since the U.S. dollar is weaker than Canada’s dollar, and Clinton would need President Bush to initiate the effort.

Wolfson replied that these were minor details, and quickly ended the interview.

“Damn Penn did it to us again,” he concluded, off-camera.

In related news, Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean warned Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island not to move their primaries ahead of U.S. Memorial Day.

Essay contest to decide Florida Democratic primary

The Democratic National Committee has decided an essay contest will settle the fate of Florida’s delegates to the Democratic National Convention.

The decision came Monday afternoon, shortly after the head of Florida’s Democratic Party said rank and file support was weak for any of the mail-in ballot, primary and caucus alternatives.

“If it’s all the same to you, Florida would like to pass, and let Michigan go ahead,” chairperson Karen Thurman told DNC head Howard Dean by phone.

“Florida Democrats are uncertain they can decide an election without the involvement of Katherine Harris,” she explained later to reporters. “This is all happening too fast, you know? Maybe we’ll be ready by 2012 or 2016.”

Shortly after speaking with Thurman, Dean emerged from a closed door meeting with advisers to announce Florida’s delegates would be allocated by a winner-take-all essay contest between Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton.

Each will write a 1,500 word essay on a topic they will get to choose from a list of a dozen or more.

“We believe this is the fairest for both candidates, as well as giving the Sunshine State the moment in the sun its Republican-controlled legislature was so keen on having,” Dean explained.

The essay questions are being written now by a special DNC panel. So far the categories include:

  • What “not campaigning in Florida” means to me.
  • States shaped like a gun.
  • Achievements of Gloria Estefan in the year 1996.
  • Famous ballot count disruptions.
  • Which is better, an early primary or a late primary.
  • Miami Vice trivia.
  • Mark Foley’s Key West
  • Jeb Bush: father of the year?
  • Ask not what a superdelegate can do for you, but what you will do for a superdelegate.
  • Tenth Amendment rights Florida shouldn’t have.

In other campaign related news, former Rep. Geraldine Ferraro delivered a masterful speech today on politics and race, in which she distanced herself from herself. “I certainly denounce my comments about Sen. Obama’s race and qualifications, but despite that I will continue to stand behind myself,” said Ferraro. She then attempted to tell an anecdote about a little girl who tried to help her mother save up money to donate to the Clinton campaign by claiming a preference for hummus-and-pesto sandwiches.