Tag Archives: corporate personhood

Elections, Humor, Politics, Satire

Activists hail court ruling, march for corporate marriage rights

President Obama’s new initiative to limit the size of corporations met with stiff resistance from civil rights activists today, following the Supreme Court’s ruling that corporations are entitled to the same right of expression as natural persons.

The ruling buoyed a group of corporate marriage activists marching in front of the White House. Many held placards reading, “Freedom To Merge,” “Adam & Eve and Comcast & NBC,” and “Keep Your Laws Off My Org Chart.”

Corporations who had gathered outside the high court cheered when the 5-4 decision was announced. “We’re close to winning equal rights as people, said Cerberus Capital. “Soon I’ll be able to call my insatiable desire to consume small companies something other than monopoly.”

Cerberus said he and his partners hope to someday start a family and adopt several Congressional oversight committees.

Pastor Jim Phelps, chaplain at the International Monetary Fund Wedding Chapel, has long campaigned for the right for two or more corporations to marry. Phelps hailed the court’s decision as a good first step to full rights for corporate persons. “There can no longer be a compelling interest in government denying corporations in a loving relationship the legal recognition of their monopoly, even if polygamous,” he said.

However, the activists’ cause received a cool reception at the White House.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the president will continue to oppose any pro-corporate marriage laws in Congress. “President Obama intends to devote as much effort into stopping corporate marriage as he has into leading on health care reform,” Gibbs said.

DINOs, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

INSURANCE LOBBY SHOOTS PUBLIC OPTION – $170M smoking gun found at scene

The public option was shot by the health insurance lobby today at the U.S. Capitol, in full view of shocked, shocked representatives and senators.  Activity on the capitol campus was halted for hours, although no one noticed any difference.

The health reform proposal was rushed to the emergency room at the Executive Office Building, where it remains in critical condition.

Police arrested the health insurance lobby at the scene. “I’m just a corporate personhood activist trying to protect profits and the sanctity of corporate life,” he shouted as he was wrestled into a fundraiser for Rep. Mike Ross (D-Blue Cross).

A weapon believed used in the attack was recovered at the scene, said by police to be a $170 million double-barreled Influence Special.

Sen. Max Baucus (D-Schering-Plough) denounced the shooting as “abhorent,” but said he continues to support a pro-corporate life movement that seeks to achieve its goals peacefully. “Life begins at incorporation, everyone agrees on that,” Baucus said.

In other news, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell today announced his opposition to First Lady Michele Obama’s new shorter hairstyle. “This will put the government between Americans and their hair stylists,” warned McConnell.

“Only your hairdresser should know for sure,” McConnell added.