Thank you Mayor Norris, Walker, Texas Ranger is my favorite show ever.
Hello ladies, gentlemen and fans. Man, aren’t there a lot of six foot rabbits here today. It’s great to be back in Mount Vernon, my home town, out on the edge of the prairie.
And what a randy town you are! Painting tulips on the big smokestack like that; I’m also an art critic, so I know what the message is you’re trying to get across with tulips. On a smokestack.
Wow, the key to the city. Keys are really a randy thing too. Let me show you what I’m talking about. First slide, please.
Look at how this key is shaped. It’s long and slender with ripples on one side. It’s metal, which is hard. Yet not the hardest metal, so it’s soft. Something very familiar about that. Next slide.
What do you do with a key? You put it in a hole, don’t you? You slide it in, pull it out, slide it in, pull it out. You twist it, which is like screwing in a screw. It’s a sexual metaphor, I’ve given this a lot of thought, it’s so obvious. Next slide.
And do you have a different key for every door in your house? No, you probably have one key that you put in a lot of holes. That’s promiscuity. Next one.
Now look what’s written on this key: “Yale.” As in Yale University, one of the biggest centers of the liberal east coast intelligentsia. Next.
What happens when you turn that key? It unlocks stuff! It opens doors! Doors to home, doors to employment, doors to school, doors to your car, doors to your doctor’s office! Last slide.
ATM cards are like keys! You put it in a slot!
Look at this key, people! It has a secret message for you from the liberal intelligentsia. They’re telling you that having sex, promiscuous sex, is the key that opens doors to home ownership, work, education, a nice car, medical care, and wealth in general! God, I worry so much about the hidden messages liberals hide everywhere, it brings tears to my eyes.
You know what? I can’t believe I came back here for a filthy, dirty key. I’ve never been so insulted in my life. You can keep your damn key, Mister Mayor, and you can shove it in your hole!
And Clarence Gilyard Jr. was the best thing on that show.